Palyne

I was in rereading what I’d blogged and just suddenly had the urge to go back to the inner world. Probably the music that was playing. I ended up in the Tower, with The Four, and a vague sense of some of the Coalition around.

I nestled in the arms of my mate — the 3rd of 4 — and I looked into his face more closely than I have in longer than I can remember. “Please, dream me,” I said spontaneously, but with great longing. “I miss you so terribly. Please come see me soon, help me remember, so I will feel closer to you again.” He nodded a little, and I laid my head against his chest and breathed calmly for a bit.

Then I had the sudden remembrance of ‘The Wall of Fear’. In previous meditations I had dealt with all of it EXCEPT a small portion that I had left “in stasis” in the Tower. I called Nero and Bolehren to me, and IG, in case they could help in any way. I stood in the middle of the tower room, in the middle of the big symbol in the middle of the floor (have still not looked too closely at that), and summoned what was left. Read the rest of this entry »

Archived from the former firedocs blog. 07 May 2006

I’ve been thinking about something for awhile, waiting for “how to articulate it” to settle down. It almost seemed to require stages of development, and I posted the first in a couple days ago. It’s something I’ve been wanting to talk about, but a post by Don over at TKR a week or so ago got me more solidly on this track. I didn’t post on that thread because I wanted to think it through and post here instead. It’s a whole subject of importance to me, but it has many facets, which makes it tough to blog without a novel.

There are three parts to the concept-equation meandering through my head:

1. Personalization as a mental-technology tool of humans;
2. Psychological response and constant re-adjustment to viewing; and
3. Using A to deal with B.

(I should note that previous to my last decade spent obsessing about Remote Viewing, for a decade prior I was instead obsessing about Hypnosis (and a few other minor things, like graphoanalysis, NLP, etc.). So I have some degree of “intentional design of mental models” as a background.) Read the rest of this entry »

I was supposed to post this day before yesterday. I forgot about 20 times. Then I went to post it last night and I kid you not, I was sitting in bed with my laptop and I clicked the link to come to the admin for this blog and that’s the last thing I remember. I woke up an hour later — I had someone sitting in an IM box! — admitted I had rather weirdly passed out very suddenly, between one click and another, and just went to sleep instead.

Now I’m taking a break from work just to get it posted. It’s so boring and unimportant I can’t imagine why I might be in denial of posting about it, unless it’s some subconscious reaction, or maybe just that it seems gross and it would be so much groovier if all my experiences could be something that makes me look really cool, man. Heh.

My friend tells me I am so hip I am square, or so square I am hip. I wonder when my friends will just admit I am a total weirdo-nerd and that’s just the way it is.

In keeping with being socially unacceptable…

So I keep forgetting the ‘wall of fear’ exists, in stasis in the tower room, total denial. Then something reminds me that I have to get back to that. I just haven’t felt like I had any idea how to deal with it. And the dark side of it was just gross and terrifying. So… time marches on. I’m the Queen of denial, no news there.

Day before yesterday I decided to do an archmed and ask to work with the arch who would best help me deal with the wall of fear… who knows how. I trust IG to work out the details. But I couldn’t really see the arch well at all, typical of those I have the most problems with. And sometimes when I almost saw it I would feel fear lurch in my gut and I would find myself breathing hard all the sudden and find something really urgent I needed to do that was not meditating.

Finally after ditching the process in the middle like 2 or 3 times I think, I came back determined to finish it. I stare at the space where I know the arch is but I can only feel him and not really see him, aside from a general impression of blobbiness. I did once get the impression of a head that had all the components but all totally separate like Mr. Potato Head but that kind of grossed me out so I didn’t pay attention to that anymore, which might explain why he got less visible instead of more as time went on.

So we’re there, in my inner space, and I have no idea what to do with him. I just don’t really feel any ideas whatever. Normally the spontaneous ideas I have are, I assume, an equal part of the process. I was not feeling very idea-prone. I finally asked him if he would walk with me a bit, and I held his hand of sorts, and we walked a bit around the field by the tree where IG is.

I told him how I really wanted to work with him but was clueless where to begin and in denial besides, and would appreciate his help. Then I had the idea that maybe we should go check out the cave. This had never occurred to me before. The cave is like a part of my outer-inner world (wait, that sounded confusing…) — the space where “outer guides” and such are found. Through the cave and out an archway on the side, I’m in another world. That world is the “inner” world where archetypes go.

True, I have brought outer guides into my inner space, more than once. The first time I did that, the guide seemed totally in awe. The next time I showed up to meditate there were like 20 people I’d never seen before all hanging around that guy, all rowdy, like he’d brought his college dorm or something. I had to keep telling them to pipe down, but I took them too. Now and then I’ve taken another. I always wonder how it comes off to them. They seem to find it really novel. But I’d never thought of bringing an archetype into any part of the outer-guide space.

(I think this is part of what’s frying my brain about putting RV and archmeds in the same context. That to me, RV is totally outer-world-HERE, and archmeds are totally inner-world-THERE, and it’s a stretch to see how they could meet.)

So I said, “Wanna go check out the cave? Maybe pick a door, see what’s inside?” He said sure. So we went into the cave to the point where it V’s off and he said, “Left.” So we went left, down a long hall with doors on right side, and then suddenly there was this doorway that instead of a door, just led to a hall, but the hall instantly veered in a curve and went sharply downward. He wanted to go that way, and he seemed to know where he was going, so I asked him if he did. He thought that was funny for some reason but didn’t answer. We go around this long curve of stone floor, going pretty deeply down, and finally we reach the bottom.

Just off the ‘curve’ is what seems to be a pond or pool of water. I ask if this is right and he nods yes, and we go along the little side near us over to the left side which has lots of space, and we sit down there and he points at the water, which is like a big rectangular pool going back into a deeper cavern, and he says, “Watch.” Just then there is this odd sound, and the water level starts dropping rapidly, and ALL the water literally drains out of the area, and I can see that the lowest part was actually over at the other side, and there were these three big tubes like sewage pipes that apparently connected as I could see their opening at the bottom-side on the other side, and all the water really rapidly drained into them and then from all around, the pool refilled with clean water, really fast.

I looked at this, I looked at the guide, and then I said, “Oh my God. It’s a toilet!!” and I just cracked up. I mean of all symbols to get! But it very obviously was, although very very big and my impression was that this was literally part of my biological body, symbolic of it anyway. It appeared the water occasionally ‘flushed’ whether there was any visible need of it to or not.

Then he said, “We are here for the wall of fear. We can deal with some of it here.” I said, “But how? It’s way over in the tower.” He looked at me. I realized I am a moron. Man, sometimes I’m SO dim… so I visualized it appearing in the air, intact, above the water.

He said ok, easy does it, and he–and me, sort of helping when I realized what he was doing–let the far left side of the wall, which was about a foot thick and maybe 10 feet high, open up like a door on it opened, and the worst of the wall, the utterly black stuff, started coming out.

Sort of. Not only was it sludge, but it was nearly solid in places, and I could feel that ‘pieces’ in it were hard as rocks. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. I felt nauseated and wondered if a meditation could make me throw up.

I did a major effort to ask for energy to hit this stuff and make it chemically inert, and break up the solid pieces, etc. and I could feel the rush of the energy so at least that part was working. Even though it was a big pool of water, it could only take so much.

The water had some property where it really absorbed into anything dropped in it, so as to make everything thinner and flushable. When the water maxxed out in that regard, we stopped, and it flushed. It was gross. The clean water filled up, and we did it again. Many times, over and over, through the horrible black stuff, then through the just gross brown stuff, and finally we reached the point where red was visible, the red of the fear, and he said (now that the ‘toxic and toxin’ part was gone), whether I dealt with the rest of the fear this way or some other way was optional.

As we were on a roll I chose to deal with as much of it as I could this way, and we got the red all the way up to about the yellow-red of cowardice before we stopped the major flushing, rinsed out the part of the lucite-like wall where all the rest had been, and closed it.

I sat looking at it for a bit, at the wall of what fear was left. I understood that all this other fear-energy, the various shades and meanings of the “red roiling energy” inside the wall, was something that I actually had options about and could deal with in other ways. For example I could really work on transmuting it, improving its frequency level (for lack of a better concept) until it was no longer fear, or at least not so serious. I thought about just dumping it all out here and wondered what that would mean.

“What would it mean if I just dump it all?” I asked the arch. “Would it be denial?” He shook his head, and into my mind came a memory of an experience I had a long time ago (online, ’searching for fear’ here). (Wow now I see it was exactly 13 years ago I had that experience. Holy cow! I’m getting old!) I remembered explaining that experience, with the understanding that when I truly “released” my fear, that energy which had been part of me, left me, and essentially became independent. When that happened, it was as if I was “smaller” without it. Literally I had given up a part of myself.

I realized that is why it’s so hard to let go of fear. It is part of us just like good emotions are. And I think all things have a primal, spirit-level urge toward growth, toward absorption-expansion, and that is sort of contrary to that drive. “But it doesn’t help to be bigger, if the extra is all ugly,” the arch said. “If you let go of that, it’s true you would be much smaller. But maybe you would be better able to grow in good ways, without all that.” I nodded.

And then I realized that this is the situation with being overweight, as well. In terms of creating reality, and living in the body of our beliefs as Seth puts it. It is a part of ourselves. As Reich put it, as “body armor,” it is very likely a lot of fear used as protection. Yes, we would be smaller if we let it go. But…

I called back the wall and said that’s it! I’m dumping the whole damn thing into the water! The arch laughed. I opened up the long-side of the wall, the flat face of it, and held it out over the small lake, while forcing it to flush repeatedly. When it was done, I imagined rinsing out the inside of the wall.

There was still some fear-energy in there but not much. I figured that meant I have to deal with that part of it in some other way. I imagined the wall shrinking down to fit what was left, and it became a flattish oval shape that reminded me of “Mirror mirror, on the wall…” a funny sync to my thoughts about fear and extra weight.

That seemed like what we came for. So I took its hand and we went around the edge and hiked back up the long curving slanted route back up to the end of a long hallway, and down that to where the cave V’d, and into the cave and then over the little bridge that spans the creek and out the door and back into the archetypal realm. We went back to IG and it was time for the arch to leave.

We shook hands. I could sorta seem him then. Seemed… relatively normal. “Water.” he said. “Drink water.” And then he was gone.

I shrugged at IG and wrapped it all up to be done with.

Pretty disgusting as a process, but it did seem fairly, er, ventingly-useful.

Got me thinking about being overweight though, one of the few plagues of my life. Thinking about Seth saying we live in the body of our beliefs. Thinking about it being hard to let go of fear because it is an equal part of us. I’m thinking now, what are all the things that I believe, that I will not let go of, that I am essentially “wearing” in my body?

The Senior had told me to come to the Tower regularly. But every time I show up, with all those new people (”aspects” or whatever) there, I respond so weirdly. The first few times I was insanely shy, and literally had this feeling of curling up like a kid against one of the Four. Earlier and then again tonight I went to the tower, everybody was there of course, and I realized that what I feel is outright fear. It comes in waves and spots and bombs depending on who I’m looking at.

Last night I had the bright idea that I would attempt to integrate a little (again, it clearly needs far more work) with each of the other aspects. Nero was there and I haven’t seen him since whenever I mentioned him last, except “there” peripherally. So I decided to start with him. I faced him, and even him, I just felt extreme “turbulent” fear with, despite that I know he is cool.

My sense was that all these new aspects as a total package are like… hmmn. I used to call the four elementals of soul, “the linoleum theory,” like how you look down at some tile and each four create a whole pattern, but then each of the four are linked in different positions into several other 4-patterns, too. Plus, of course, larger patterns. Well it is like maybe I got “the next ring out,” like say 16 or whatever, more tiles all around us. I know that all those identities are part of me and when I am able to accept them, and basically “extend myself through them” in doing so, there will be some benefit to this, more power, more identity, more whatever it is that we think is evolutionary. For whatever reason I am having a difficult time with that apparently.

I had such a problem with Nero—I was completely incapable of merging with him at all—that I asked him and my inner guide (who I called to me for the occasion) and they both said sure, I can work in the tower, with these parts of me, just like I work with archetypes. So I laid him out on a medical table and looked at him, knowing there would be something up since I was having such issues with him.

I kept finding these big, kind of heavy-metal pieces of stuff in him, like formed stainless steel pieces of some structure or object that had gotten somehow half-deep into him. I would take each of them out gently, dissolve them and dump them into the waste grill under my feet to be washed out of the body. I turned him over and finally, the last major visible issue was this really big heavy all-metal knife that was in his back but down toward the lower right side a bit. I worked carefully on getting it out of him without pain, and then decided when I breathed and counted to 3 I would totally “let go of the part of myself that is that knife” and transmute the now-seems-separate energy into gold light at the same time. To my astonishment when I did this, it was a totally body-rocking amazing rush of buzzing energy. So… I guess it did SOME good.

Then tonight I went back to the tower and this time really paid attention. I decided that I have to deal with all this fear. I believe I’m having some offbeat side effects in my reality as a result of it in really fundamental areas of life I don’t want to screw with (like my job). So I went back, and let myself feel whatever came to me. The amount and variety of fear was just ridiculous.

I asked the other three of me for help and finally the senior put his hand into my heart and I felt that I had the strength to deal with it because I AM, autonomously, and all is me, and I command. Then “she” put her fist into my heart too and I felt I had the strength to deal with it through great love, and compassion, and nobility, and infinite flexibility. And then my mate put his fist into my heart too and I felt I had the strength to deal with it through sheer courage and skill and toughness. Then I merged with him, and the other two together, and then all into one.

I found myself crying to them that when they left me before (long ago, not on this blog, when they were each “sacrificed,” died in my inner world in a deep dream, and I did not see them for a long time after that) I was utterly bereft, and I begged them to please, never ever leave me again. I could feel that somehow my fear with all the others had at least a little relation to my fear about losing The Four.

So I had to figure out how to deal with all the fear which was just too much at once. Recalling an ancient dream where a friend of mine had “a whole jungle” of dark spiky stuff held in “stasis” in a big, endlessly deep blue pool, I decided that this might be the route. I would create a thoughtform to “hold the fear-energy in stasis,” and then I would see if I could move it outside me into this thoughtform. Then I could see it. Not sure why but it seemed important that I see it, that it not be just some hidden feeling, but that I could objectify it.

So I imagined a big clear box that would hold the energy, and I went through myself, looking at the various people, letting the waves of fear come in and then imagining gathering all that energy up together and pushing it into the stasis-box, where it would be held safely for me. I had to do this for awhile, on all six sides of this clear cube. Finally I felt that most of my primary fear had been projected into this thoughtform-box and I could now step back and consider it.

There was way too much for the box; it had a real density/intensity as a result. So I imagined that it spread out into a maybe 12″ thick whole ‘wall’ of clear stasis-container. Imagine if a fish tank were floor to ceiling, an entire wall, and about a foot deep, it looked like that. And all the energy was “roiling”—that word came to mind—inside. There were a zillion shades and textures and densities and more.

I found myself just left of center, looking at this yellow-red area and somehow I “knew” that this was the fear related to cowardice. I thought that was curious, given the yellow and wondered if that human association had some good reason for the color it turns out. I walked to the right a little and, like a wall-sized spectrum, it blended into light orange-red, that was a sort of fear of self expression (I associated this with ‘creative fear’). Onward to dark orange-red and it became fear that linked into the core of my ego (my ‘focus personality’ as Seth would put it).

When it reached bright red-red the fear was merely outright terror: no association, no shading, nothing but fear itself (and maybe fear-of-fear). I continued walking to the right and looking into the clear wall, and the energy, still ‘roiling’ everywhere of course, turned into a sort of red-blue. It felt literally like this was a sort of conscious-”ouchie” bruise sort of fear, like hurt feelings and fear related to things like my looks or my social status and things like that. This blended gradually into a dark, red-purple area of hues, which felt like “deep old wounds” that had never healed, like fear resulting from things that somehow had caused my heart great injury over time. I was at the far wall now, so I turned and walked back to just left of center where I began.

Looking at the yellow-red, I went left then, and the colors shaded into a sort of light muddy red-brown and then darker and darker brown. I felt that this was fear that was filled with biological toxins, essentially fear that if properly vented would be a flu-style bathroom experience, and although all the other shades so far, I had felt were variants on fear-energy, this felt literally like “trash-toxin,” something that was not really any energy that needed to be redeemed, but rather, something that just flat-out needed to be vented out of me.

Moving farther to the left, the brown shaded into actual black, and this was really just horrible. My sense was that this was literally toxic in the manner of being disease, on every level, rotting putrid blackness that was beyond mere ‘vent this out please’ and in need of a HAZMAT crew.

I stepped back then and looked at the entire “wall of fear”, with the bright red-red in center and the whole spectrum from left to right. It was a rather odd feeling, to sense that so much of my fear was literally spread out in front of me. I had the feeling that if I were a little better with conscious inner work, I would be able to look into any little part of the wall and focus in and actually ’see’ events that had led to or generated the energy in that place.

It was waaaaaay too much to deal with all at once though. I asked IG and the Senior if it would be possible and ok for me to literally leave my fear “in stasis,” similar to how my friend had had it. One of them led me to understand that I could do this, but if I did it indefinitely I would have really severe reality and/or health problems from it, so this had to be a very short term thing. I agreed to that. I just wanted to go off and think about it some and ponder on a way of approaching “dealing with” that much stuff at once.

So I closed the meditation. It was time to go view then.

To start my viewing, I always visualize anchoring my kundalini and solar plexus in the core of the earth, and then in the center of galaxy from my crown, and then I imagine the ’string’ of energy from one to the other has me, like a shish-ka-bob (haha), and that my spine alines with it. This is no big deal, just about 7-10 seconds on average. So I “sunk me into the core” and realized…

…it felt different. It was like there was no-feeling. Normally when I do this, I feel some vague sense of relief, and a grounding, and an actual affection, for myself as part of earth so to speak, like I am anchoring with mother-energy. As I wondered why it suddenly felt so different, a sort of “insight” came to me, about myself and this process:

The good emotions are actually a side-effect of chronic low-level fear of being separated from self, from that which is part of me. As my fear was held in stasis at that moment, the other emotions didn’t follow-on, and I was able to understand that dynamic. I had this sort of reminder -insight: All fear is based on fear of separation from self.

I sort of just sat with this for a few moments, waiting for it to make a little more sense to me. Then I understood that this directly relates to my fear in the Tower, and the reason why mysteriously I was blurting out “Don’t leave me!” to the other 3 of 4 earlier. They are a part of me, and although it took me years to accept the larger-me that includes them, now I fear losing them. All the other aspects that the Senior brought to the tower for integration, they make me feel threatened, on many levels, all about loss of self in a few ways, but also loss of the core of us four.

I had this idea that the reality of the universe is something like, “It never was me. It always is me.” that I would realize the whole question of what is a part of me vs. separate from me is actually a nonsequiter: in some fashion, there is no such thing. Everything both totally is part of me, and totally is not (I know this makes no sense in linear words, but it does to me in some ineffable way), and hence I can never actually “lose or gain” anything. Facing the “gain and acquisition” of the additional aspects, highlights the flip side of the same belief: that if I can gain parts of me, I can lose them too. Neither are really accurate. In reality, we are all and nothing, and it’s just a matter of what we are willing to “extend our attention to.”

No FB on the session till this weekend. Hoping to do another on that target.

Before I closed up my lab book (which is both a session book and magical diary of sorts), I had the thought that the wall of fear might require actual divine intervention to properly deal with, of the Jesus – Michael – Sun variety. I will have to do that another night, though. I have to work early.