Palyne

The other night (morning, actually), I was dreaming.

Upon a really tall hill, stood this big structure. Sort of a house, in a way. I went to the structure and found it had three stories to it. I went to the third story and found that it was open inside and had three stories within itself, as well. I went to the third story of the third story and walked around.

There were people there, some seemed oblivious to everything, others seemed to know each other. The moment I arrived, though, I understood that I was one of four who had come to meet in this place. The odd thing is that it wasn’t my normal “Four elementals of soul” symbology — if it was, they were all certainly very different than I normally perceive them. Or perhaps this was ‘grafted on’. Who knows.

There was a man, who was very quiet. Not quite sullen, but the kind of quiet that is not really peaceful and you’d be reluctant to disturb. He was in his 40s or 50s I guessed, and wearing a suit. The sort of man who seems always uncomfortable in his clothes. I understood that he was ridiculously, almost monstrously, psychic, and that was his ‘role’ almost like an unspoken job in our world.

There was a woman, who looked like someone’s grandmother. In her late 50s or early 60s I guessed, she was just a few pounds overweight and wearing a flowered dress with a kind face. She looked like she ought to be making cookies for someone in the south. But she was also incredibly powerful, psychically, the reason she was part of the four.

My friend J was there as well. But he was only half there; his attention was split. We “all understood” that this was necessary, because his other half was off negotiating with the leader of some arabic country in an attempt to keep the peace for another few minutes. He is certainly pretty powerfully psychic, and he was of the four.

And then there was me. I wondered what I was doing there. It felt appropriate that I was one of the four and yet, it was really obvious why THEY were there and meeting; and yet who the hell am I, I’m just restarting viewing after eons out, I’m a psychic brick, I’d be lucky to view my way to my own front door with my eyes open, it’s pitiful how painful it is when I restart after a long time away from it. I decided with some depressive cynicism that maybe I really didn’t need to be in on this group meeting all things considered, and I wandered down to the second floor and was walking around looking at things and talking to people.

Then the woman thought at me that I was to come back up to the third story of the third story where they were, with a bit of a tone in her thought as if I were a rather wandering-attention child or something; I knew why we were there, and where I was supposed to be, so why was I wandering all over the place?

I returned to that level, going near her, but pointed out, well I don’t see why you need me here. You guys are the cornerstone monster psychics of my country or world apparently, but I’m obviously not.

And she says/thinks, with this sort of … not patronizing in a bad way, but in an observant and weary way, “Well yes, we understand that you continue to deny and avoid this, but we trust that eventually you will take responsibility for yourself and accept that.” It came with the overlay of ‘destiny’. Her tone of thought was almost like a disapproving grandmother. Not angry, not really judgemental, but not willing to pretend, because you clearly aren’t living up to her expectations, either.

Then we all sort of merged psychically so our thoughts were shared.

There were two important things we had to meet about. One I cannot recall. In my memory I could swear it was about a movie, or some kind of video, which had information which ‘gave something away’ to the public in such a way that it literally changed the dominant consciousness of enough population to affect “probability” fairly radically. Alas I don’t remember more than that.

The other was about a man. Now, the man in the suit had found him first; the woman had found him second; but they’d both done so independently. The man in the suit had actually figured out his name, though he didn’t share it. We all four considered the situation.

The man was a messiah. Basically a ‘larger, more intense dose of god within a human body’ is about the only way I can put it. And he was… coming. I couldn’t tell if he had already been born or if he was just coming soon, but it was “soon” either way, whatever his status or age might be.

His presence was going to cause a highly significant change in the population’s awareness, which affected future probability significantly. It was like a wildcard, as futurology calls them. We were looking at a possibly profound shift in our people, nation, and world, as a result of this man’s presence.

I had a sort of overlay of Jesus, but not from the others, just from my own association with the concept of a messiah. It wasn’t like it was the same person. But it was, actually, like much of the same energy flowing through a different person, so in a way, it was the same. I understood that in terms of a highly specific individual whose presence here (directly or indirectly) could change the course of history, it was his third coming to our place. It had been a long time since the last time and longer still since the first.

And then my alarm went off and woke me up. I felt like I had to drag myself out from under the sea to get to it.

PJ

Archived from the former firedocs blog. 03 May 2007

“You get what you focus upon,” the wise ones say.

The other day I decided to focus on what I really wanted to do with remote viewing. I sat down and I made myself a list. It looked like this:

ViewingWriting - fiction, as well as psi-related non-fiction
Taking in and Presenting projects for viewing (PM for Apps)
Arranging practice/development regimens for viewers
PMing software development for viewing/dowsing
Talking to police/investigators about viewing
Talking to the media and others about viewing
Managing protocol projects for predictive viewing

And yet, when I looked at the list afterward, all I could think was,

“There is no feeling of life in me when I read that. How dull.”

A little on the ‘viewing’ and the ‘writing’ top items. Everything else just seemed rather like a boring shopping list of what I might expect, or intellectually want. It could have been a laundry or shopping list for all it sparked in me.

It just didn’t MOVE me. And I felt like it should.

“What do I want to do with viewing?” I asked myself, wondering at my reaction.

“What drives me? Something obviously drives me after 12 years of obsession. What is it?”

I didn’t know. I finally moved it to the back part of my brain and went on with my life.

o0o

A day or two later I was doing some ARV sessions (these are very short). I don’t normally use archetype RV with these because 10-20 minutes of lead-in time for a 5 minute session seems a bit like overkill frankly. But I felt like it so I did with one of them. Mostly it was fun because of Inner Guide, or IG for short, whom I adore.

I finished the first session and began the archmed process for the second when it suddenly hit me.

I am a UNIVERSAL TRANSLATOR. That is my path. That is what moves me. That is what drives me. Feeds me. Calls me. Loves me.

I don’t want to “objectively know information.” I know that is the cool thing. I know that is the hip “intelligence soldiers use this” approach. I know that is the ‘controller’ perspective.

But it isn’t mine.

Screw objectivity. I want to share perception with the other.

o0o

Yes I know that “too much subjectivity can affect perception and bias communication”. So hey, if I’m working for someone else maybe I’ll take that into account. Maybe. Maybe there are benefits that make it worth it. But I don’t view for other people anyway. I don’t view for the cause of viewing. I view for me. For how it makes me feel inside.

I’ve shared ‘awareness’ with objects before. More than once. Even with a tornado in session. With other people, both spontaneously and in session. With a whole environ.

“Shared perception” is what I’ve dubbed an “Identity Interference Factor” or IIF for short (how I love acronyms): it is one of the experiential aspects of remote viewing that I consider most “destabilizing” in its side- and after- effects.

o0o

I probably shouldn’t blog after watching ‘Heroes’ since it darkens my vision a bit. But I don’t think it changes. It just brings out a part of me that is normally buried behind long-suffering optimism.

Conscious psi by nature is destabilizing. You cannot change the most fundamental belief systems about reality and have it be no big deal. Remote Viewing, just like psychic work and magical exploration since the dawn of time, leaves more lunacy in its path than any other notable effect. From the chronic paranoia that low-level effects seem to spark in people, to serious problems distinguishing truth and reality and identity.

We all thought RV would make us omniscient. Once upon a time. Yet almost nobody stays with it, statistically. And of those who do, a disproportionate number eventually demonstrate they are at least half mad. At least.

Identity Interference Factors rock the boat of sanity. On the bright side, most people are more spared by their lack of serious talent than the lack of conscious psi’s real results.

I believe I can…. ‘adapt’. Will I be the same person after deliberately seeking out archetypal-level connection with all my targets? No. I am not the same after every target I do. I believe I have a guiding principle, in Inner Guide, in Archangel Michael, in intent, that will shape what I call me for the better over time.

Everyone changes. Some just change more quickly, and more profoundly, than others.

o0o

Identity. Perspective. A shift in perspective is the one thing that is most deeply rooted in me, even in experiences long prior to ever hearing of RV. That novelty rocks my world, feeds my soul, and gives me a kind of primal, soul-centered excitement that is almost too much to bear…. and ineffable.

That’s what drives me. That’s what I love the most. That’s what I crave when I start really viewing consistently. That’s what wakes the fire inside me.

I want to merge. I want to share perspective. I want to feel it inside me. It’s sex of the spirit. It’s recognizing and validating the parts of my innermost self, my energy that ARE what I perceive as a reflection in my outside world.

o0o

So I was right. My list was boring. It didn’t have “me” in it. It didn’t have the core of energy that pulls me to viewing like an astral love affair. It was just plans, and logic, and words on paper. That isn’t what RV is to me.

For a dozen years I’ve shied away from viewing when I started getting deep. I’ve run from the time it demands, from the obsession and “driven” qualities that I always have but it seems to invoke at deeper levels, and from the severe lack of giving-a-damn that it always brought for my interest in helping others and the field at large. I’ve been more good to RV while barely viewing, I have felt.

Maybe I don’t care so much anymore. I’m coming around to a change in that perspective. In that interest in much beyond my own development. Maybe it’s the slight shifts that every target, touched that way, recognized as my inside, brings. Sometimes I think I am becoming something. A Me+, perhaps. It still feels like me. I still call it me. But it’s not the me I was yesterday or will be tomorrow. And maybe everybody has that experience. Maybe I’m the one who, because of my interest in ‘perspective’ and ‘identity’, notices it.

o0o

Long ago, Jung worked with archetypes. Scared the hell out of himself. Stated, and quite rightly, that it was so powerful it was literally dangerous. But since then, the ‘Inner Guide’ model came along. And that has always worked perfectly for me for archetype work. Even powerful, soul-shaking, mind-blowing experiences as sometimes occur during archetype work.

I use inner guide in sessions, with Archetype RV. And when I’m done I have him separate us. I keep my memory. I keep the slightly-larger me that results. I keep the feel, the taste, of the target. But I feel the separation, the slightly smaller-ness, when IG un-weaves us.

And that’s why I’m here. I didn’t know it until then. It all sort of hit me in a ROTE as Bob Monroe used to call them, like a huge realization, a whole ball of interrelated thought that “opens up and rolls out inside you”.

This is my motive.

This is who I am. I AM… everything.

A psychic library card. A universal translator.

Archived from the former firedocs blog. 09 January 2006

What is destiny?

Is it the need of the heart to assign some meaning to the randomness of where we end up?

Is it some convenient term to describe whatever we secretly wish for our lives? Or is what we secretly wish for our lives there inside us as the small voice of who we are and what we’re here for?

Is it something real, something at the core of all our existence, something our shallow negative culture has bred out of our attention?

What happens when the one thing your sense of destiny has been telling you consistently since you were 5 years old seems improbable at best, ego-bound or delusional at worst? How many years do you fight that sense, no matter how strong or conscious it is, no matter how it manifests at different ages, before it goes away and you feel like the window closed on some critical thing and you’ve lost it; you may as well die, if your primary purpose here was missed. At what time does a person find the courage to deal with their own resistance and give themselves up to what some larger, more powerful internal sense of self wants?

I am a magnet

For all kinds of deeper wonderment

I am a wunderkind

And I live the envelope pushed far enough to believe that

I am a princess on the way to my throne

Destined to serve

Destined to roam

(Alanis Morisette’s Wunderkind from the Narnia soundtrack)

I miss Archangel Michael. But from Jan 1-6 I had meditations that blew my mind and found me some really key elements of self. Whatever and wherever I am a year from now, I suspect will be in part because of those six days of the creation of a new world for me.

I call it destiny.

The other day I realized that my life already belongs to RV. It’s not really even a question. It’s not something that still needs to be decided. That’s been the way it is since the instant I heard of it. It was mine. I was there, it was here, and the whole process was just a matter of the details from then on.

I’ve taken breaks, mostly from the “online field” that I’ve let drive me crazy — something which recently I think I kind of moved past fortunately, finally — and I’ve been chronically time-limited and sleep-deprived pretty much the entire period I’ve been involved with RV, so I’ve sucked at viewing anything even when I tried, and sucked at trying consistently anyway.

Even a little consistency kicks up my results, and the moment they start getting interesting I have quit viewing. Repeatedly. It’s been a 12-year cycle.

Thursday night I made a radical change in myself.

I made a committment. Or rather, I accepted the one I already made.

I’ve always been committed to Remote Viewing in general. But often I’ve felt that my own viewing literally was in competition with my “accomplishing something constructive with larger results,” and that has changed. Changed a lot. That night, I made a commitment to myself. To my own viewing.

I’m amazing, you know. It’s just a matter of time until I can prove it. ;-)

I wrote in the Firedocs RV blog that night, in the post “I AM a Universal Translator”:

Screw objectivity.
I want to share perception with the other.

I know my path now. And Remote Viewing isn’t actually the end goal, funny enough. RV is a bridge to something so much bigger, to the conscious interaction with self, with the very nature of reality, that it’s indescribable. I’m sure the rest of my life won’t be enough to work all that out, though I feel my archetype and aspect RV are a start for me. For now, RV is my doorway, and it is my road.

I’ve always been on it. I just didn’t get my act together to be aware enough until now; to take responsibility for where I am… and where I need to be.

I’m not here by accident. It’s not that I’ve been wandering. I’ve always been on the road, but I’ve been so busy worrying about whether the road was well-paved for others that I’ve completely neglected my own focus.

That is changing now. People can walk that road or they can fall off the highway or never find it to begin with, and it is not going to be my concern anymore. I’ll document my own journey as well as I can, as my breadcrumbs on the trail. But the journey is mine and it’s long overdue.

There is a book called “The 8″ by Katherine Neville which is a great novel. I bought it a zillion years ago when it came out and liked it so well I bought copies for several friends. One of the concepts that was sort of ‘grafted on’ to the larger (complex, but good) plot was that of people literally playing the role, unknowingly, of pieces in a chess game. Social and political and historical changes happening, and someone who… has a very long term outlook on things shall we say, manipulating little things here and there to bring about a combination of people and circumstance for a certain end.

The last week, perhaps in response to getting enough sleep for a whole 3 nights running a week ago, I’ve been working insanely. Trying to catch up during the day with a job that was really slow and then just as I got handed more work because it was slow, my normal work exploded. Then when I get off at night, I launch into trying to get some of the early Taskerbot (junior) features up inside TKR at the Dojo Psi.

I swear, web coding, testing, etc. is so insanely time consuming it’s ridiculous. Only other webworkers really know what I’m talking about. Even when it’s programming or design it’s still essentially the tech-secretarial job that, like Grapenuts cereal, seems to breed and multiply while in your bowl, until eventually you’re gasping, My God, I’m still not done! Will this ever end??.

I took a little break to do a quick session last night just in time for the task closing at Radical RV. Eh. Didn’t go great, but I feel I kinda understood the feelings when I saw FB so I don’t mind. Certainly better than the last one which was an interesting session though alas on a completely different target apparently lol.

On the recent task, I got a common personal symbol (a sense of something going straight up into the sky and it just keeps going, something intangible) for death yet “muted” somehow; more flowing and not as sharp (as dead bodies and death events normally come through). Wasn’t sure what to make of it due to the difference. Sometimes frequency-based technology targets have some similar feelings as targets I’ve done on death and spirits and such (weird, eh? maybe that is reflecting us all being energy-information at base?).

I came ‘down from’ where the sense had gone up and got “A creative embroidery” and a sense like threads of energy weaving, or something like that, I nearly said strings and now wish I had. ;-) Then I had a similar but different sense I assumed was the same thing (it wasn’t) which on FB looks/feels exactly like the bottom of the interesting tree in the FB. So on the bright side I can see in retrospect that when I intended to go downward I did quite literally go down to the ribbons tied to the tree and then just below them, can’t get more down that that.

I had a repeated gut feeling that was pretty clear that I was intrigued to see FB on to figure out. It was very much a feeling of energy and yet I figured of something real. It was like at first everything was energetic, normal, and then there was this sort of surge where the ideogram started, and then a sense of it compressing, getting tighter, stretching out, and then finally into a totally flat line of frequency, I even used the term ‘flatline’ because I still had that sense of death somehow being involved. (I had this vague assoc with my husband laughing about a political situation, Castro is said to be ‘very stable’, kinda like how the French doctors reported that Arafat’s “condition had stabilized”—once he was dead. LOL.)

Then I got some data, there’s no FB but it’s not the ‘focus of the target’ so it doesn’t matter. Then I saw this Maltese Cross, and there were “radiance rays” coming from it like a thing of spirit. Except oddly, I got exactly that shape— sans the radiance— for the HAARP target, so now I associate it with tech! That was a bit confusing, but I went with the spiritual angle given the sense of glory. I had a sense/sketch of something that on FB I see WAS basically the ribbon material but I didn’t record it well enough for that to be clear I think.

Then I got a sense of land, not just like ‘dirt and grass’ but literally “land” like where the heart is, and I felt that the actual land had something significant to do with the target or its nature. That was hard to articulate and I believe this was good data, but not real obvious; next time I’ll know to try for more on that kind of data. And lastly, though this was also early on, I kept getting overlays of something like a heart rate monitor, I started to write down “or seismometer” but felt some AOL would screw up my data (…actually I think it was ok overlay given the origin of the target — the event which THIS target event memorializes is ‘intrinsic’ to the target), and again that sense of normal energy> pulse/event> tiny really tight compressed frequency> flatline.

The target turned out to be a bit disappointing given my session LOL, it was all these ribbons tied around a tree as a memorial to the tsunami victims. So… aside from the visual of the tree bottom which I wrongly recorded as ‘flowing over’ (it looks like that!) and the ribbon which I badly recorded as compared to a sine wave and maybe, if we stretch just a little, the radiant maltese cross as some symbol of spiritual… my data has no application to the target focus. Some may seem to relate to what is intrinsic to the target focus (the tsanami and the deaths); I don’t mind having data that relates to such things, I just don’t really get credit for it. Ah well. The sorta pitiful session — but great learning experience — is here.

The current Radical RV task is from RV Sam and closes/FB 10pm Central this Sunday. Another opens tonight that I task. We are keeping this group small but still have a little room for those interested. If you apply, don’t do it anonymously with email hidden ok. I want to know who is asking to join my small private group, though I welcome folks to uses aliases in the group if they wish. Yahoo doesn’t have any way for me to communicate with an applicant to ask, if they don’t have email available, so I have to just not approve it which I’m sure offends!

So I bet you’re wondering why I mentioned The 8.

I was thinking last night, in the 14 seconds between climbing into bed and falling unconscious, about Remote Viewing. About group souls, as Seth puts it. About a higher self that may have more than just our identity and how our lives may be affected by the will/intent/motion of things from another level up. And of the idea of people being in a really big chess game that we haven’t the longevity to observe.

Back in May of ‘95 I had a very weird repeated OBE experience with “a soldier in a graveyard” whom I felt “had died doing something very unusual, very ‘mental’ in some way.” (Article here.) That spawned something different, and in October ‘95 I was finally able to pull to full conscious recollection a six month chronic series of what I call ‘programmed dreams’, and knew that because I’d finally done that I was free of them. (Article here.) Ironically, this involved mention of—I am not making this up—the CIA. The next day I heard about RV and was totally obsessed from then on. I’m sure the CIA connection is coincidence right? And RV’s connection to a ’solder who died doing something unusual and mental’ is coincidence too, right?

I just happened to meet several former stargate people (viewers, scientists, consultants) over the years. I just happened to become friends with some of them. (I often feel that meeting Joe (McM) has been one of the things that has made all the years of BS in the RV field worth it, simply because he and his wife are such exceptional human beings.) Yada yada, stuff just happens. In 1997 I nearly left the field but had literally a shamanic vision one night that kept me in the loop until mid-1998 when I left for four years.

So…. Out of all the people in the world and even this country who would love to have met all the people I have, in person and through other means, how come it was me who got to do it?

Of all the options and opportunities that there were only a few of and yet a zillion in line, how come they came to me?

I used to feel, in the old days around ‘97, like archiving everything was literally a spiritual duty, because I had this access to people and info that so many wanted to have and didn’t.

Is it possible that my higher self fully intended for me to become involved with RV, and if things have gone well for me in it and I just happened to chance into a lot of people and info and so on, is it because, in part, it’s a matter of ‘True Will’?

Might it all be a big, cosmic-sized game of chess in the end. Where I am both a pawn and a Queen depending on what level you are looking at it from.

Where my reasons for a movement of interest, location etc. are not just what I think they are but actually exist on many different levels, for different reasons, just like how a dream can be symbolic of the body but also of psychology and also of spirit and also slightly precognitive about world events—all in one.

Maybe our lives are like that. Maybe my driving obsession with building online RV tools and community and archives and an infrastructure to help perpetuate it into the future and not lose the knowledge we have, relates to more than my intensity as a personality in general. Maybe my future is somehow tied into it. Maybe my higher self is placing me like a Bishop here, and then at some point I will be ready for his planned move that moves me elsewhere. Maybe we think of life as happenstance and daily events but really it’s just a lack of perspective and being too close to it. From a distance, maybe it would be evident that it is all just…

Chess.

Last night I got to BE a tornado for a little while.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Did I mention wow?

Just prior to that, I had a whole realization related to remote viewing and the consciousness inherent in the targets themselves. (See the Firedocs RV blog, today’s date, for details.)

This enormous amount of powerful and chaotic energy… this enormous effort to “maintain cohesion” of all the energy which was “myself”… this effort being centered around keeping a “stillness at the absolute center”…

Why is it people think talking to a tree is metaphysically acceptable, but nobody considers that a tornado—shorter-lived but surely more intense during that time—might be a “consciousness” just like anything else?

Awhile ago—a year? two? I have no track of time thanks to over a decade nearly living on the internet—I was half-asleep in bed one morning when the most amazing sound occurred from outside. In a dream of sorts, part of my mind “said” to another part of my mind, “A gigantic monster made of wind is coming toward you, really FAST!” I dreamily mused on that for a moment or two, at which point the half-awake part of my brain had waded through it, figured out the meaning, translated it, and yelled at me, Tornado!! waking me up fully and instantly. A few seconds later I heard it turn and go another direction. Later, people said one had come “so close” to us… but I already knew. The part that remained with me was the sense that “the monster made of wind” was alive in some fashion. I had never thought of it like that before. After last night, I actually believe this.

On the bright side, I would say that is proof positive that my cursed phase of RV has passed.

I live to serve. I want to know the universe. RV is an honor, a doorway to being introduced to infinite measures and combinations of energy and experience. Today, I am wondering how I could ever have thought of it in any other way.

I recently read The Eye of the World, which is Book 1 of the series The Wheel of Time, by Robert Jordan. I liked it a lot. I got the first 9 books of the series to plow through. I don’t do much fiction reading anymore so I love the escapism of it.

In the book there is this relationship role I rather liked, of a man with a woman in this case, he calls it a Warder. I imagine there’s more info on this in later books, and I only have a small idea of the overall concept. I think, if you imagine a “different take” on “types of mating,” maybe that would explain it.

I never thought I would marry. Even as a young child. I had a sense of “internal solitude,” as well as a sense of having some sort of reason that would carry me in that way: traveling, interacting, protecting, communicating, teaching, but never really settling and sharing myself.

When I was about 13 and read Lord of the Rings, I encountered the character of Gandalf, and I remember thinking of this consciously at the time: that he was the closest character I had found to the “feeling” I had about my own role in adulthood. There was some sense of a person who “travels alone, even when they are surrounded by others.”

I had a brief period of time from 16-19 where I had three boyfriends and in each we informally planned marriage, which we never got around to before ending it. And then I took a 10 year vow of celibacy. This didn’t seem overly unusual to me at the time.

I remember when this changed. It was in January of 1995. I got a “Psychic Public Service Announcement,” which is to say, I became aware of information that was broadcast very generically, regarding a new ‘cycle’ in the world and a substantial shift in the… novelty of experience that was expected as part of that. It coincided, almost as a ‘by the way’ sub-data, which what we call ‘end times’ etc. I realized that, as things were, I would not have the opportunity to “live a normal life this time.” And to my astonishment, I felt a terrible sadness; my heart actually breaking. I didn’t know until that moment that I wanted such a thing.

Within a few months I was married, breaking my 10 year vow 3 months early, and the next year I had a child. Talk about change. I changed my pattern, as the book might say. Drastically. My hyper-psi-awareness went underground as the other part of me manifested.

It feels they are starting to turn. Like a bookshelf that gradually turns and leaves the person standing there in another room entirely.

Now, as I get older, and my little girl is nearly 10, more and more of the feeling that I had most of my life starts to return to me. A sense of solitude and a need for it; a sense that on some level I am always alone and that is just the way of it; a sense that no matter how I love, or who I love, that there are “greater priorities” inside me, that drive me, and that I have a job to do and what I am doing does tie into it in places, but, that it will lead me, and this is an assignment with a level of dedication beyond what words can explain.

I feel as if what some call Divine Will is present in me, though much maligned by my own typical lack of clarity and maturity etc. It tells me that everything is ok. That I am where I need to be. That I am doing what I need to be doing. It does keep leaning on issues like health, and allowing myself more creative expression, and a need for more and regular sleep and meditation. But in general, I feel that not only do I have a path, but I am walking it, and everything is ok. It’s all going according to schedule. Whatever that means.

I feel that the remote viewing things I pursue have a greater and deeper reason behind them, than whatever I might imagine is my reasoning. I feel that there are plans for my future that continue in that realm, but I don’t know or even want to know the detail; I am doing what I feel is right for now. I plod along and every night and weekend put what effort I can into what seems right, what needs doing, an ongoing communication-set via internet. I feel the picture will gradually unfold itself, and I am not in any hurry.

My internal feelings, about myself, my destiny, my friends, etc. are beginning to get more intense, the way they were when I was younger. But unlike where I was for the last 10 years, even in my head, I feel as if a certain solitude is returning. Not that I will never be intimate with another person, just that the white picket fence suburbia life… I had my chance. Like a gift, it was given to me because I grieved for not getting it, because I wanted it so deeply, but… I feel as if gradually, it’s ending. Not soon or immediately. Not in any bad way. Just in general.

In Jordan’s book, the Aes Sedai (women with the magic) seldom marry. This is mostly I expect because their first dedication is to, well, a higher purpose that their ‘magical order’ (about the only parallel in our world besides a church) embraces.

It is the same with the Warders, a man who commits to an Ais Sedai (and she to him) in what I called above, a “different type of mating.” Rather than being romantic and sexual, it is more an issue of shared energy, shared purpose, and mutual protection. It is a bond deeper than brother or best friend, deeper than priest or father, and different than marital-mate; lacking the sexual angle (anything overt anyway), it also lacks the many issues that “cloud” relationships of that sort, but as they are both powerful people, those powerful energies are sublimated into the relationship in other ways.

It is, you might say, the protective and spiritual bond of people who do not allow themselves a sexual and emotional mating; but who channel the power of those human needs into the type of mating they have. The result is entirely sexy and emotional to consider, as you might imagine; as if the lack of those elements only highlights them.

In a world where people were better capable of not having sex with other people at every whim, where a spiritual-psychic dedication really could come first in a person’s life, this kind of relationship might be do-able. Not that many people are that deep, that singleminded, that committed to the divine will inside them. That able to commit to anything.

Somewhere out there, there is a Warder for me.