Palyne

I have a background on my computer desktop of the aeons I’ve talked about on this blog, and a few others. I thought maybe I should post it for general reference and talk a little about how it came about.

I’ve had the feeling I want something to physically represent them around me. As if I feel the need to “bring them into my reality” more physically. I am still thinking about it. Talismans? Wind Chimes? No idea. But while thinking about it I decided to do an ‘image’-based version of a little chart I was keeping with ‘where they appeared around me’.

This is the group I originally called ‘The Consortium’. A group of some multiple of 4 that was ‘a layer out’ of “me” — out from the Four. Not long ago I was wondering why IG had not introduced me, nor had I spontaneously met, any new Consortium members in quite a long time. I had the feeling Nero was suggesting they were complete. I went to my list and realized that made 12. I had guessed at 12 or 16 being the final number.

I went looking for a picture to represent Nero. I thought to myself that I would just enter google terms to match his general visage, then go through pics and see what I felt best about. What I found the instant I started was that he was present and had an opinion of his own. When he saw what he felt was best for me to choose, it had nothing to do with the fact that the man had much darker hair, was younger, had no strong roman nose, and so was rather different to me physically. Something about how *I* felt about the picture — more a sort of ‘my relationship to it and how it made me feel about the person’ — is what matched.

Bolehren was similar. The pic she chose was darker than she, and in my view didn’t look a lot like her aside from female with brown hair, but she loved how I felt about the picture (the woman is adorable) and felt that was perfect.

Taan chose a picture that wasn’t even a person but I find endearing and funny every time I see it. It matches his sense of humor and the ongoing innate joy he has.

Ray is short and strong but disliked all my dwarf googling (with some disgust) and chose something more like a strong man.

L’Anna was easy because she had appeared in the guise of a TV character to begin with, saying my attention to that character in the previous days was partly coming from her, to make our introduction easier.

Nedlund I have only seen eyes so far. Not close enough or integrated I guess. I’m still waiting to see more of him so I can find something to better match.

Hot ___ I still haven’t got his second half of name yet. And he is not as egyptian looking as his pic, or maybe he is moreso but just not that exact thing, but where else is there a pic of something like that, I ask you.

Marcus also chose a pic for himself darker than he really is to me, and I couldn’t remember where I’d seen that real person before until I remembered: a TV character I liked very well once who actually went by the name Marcus in the show (Babylon 5). That seemed a little funny, and makes it more iffy where imagination bleeds into this archetypal game of identifying with internal aspects, doesn’t it.

Mei Lee matches a painting of a woman I cannot find. Hers is temporary until I stumble on something else that matches better. She is blonde with hair pulled back, an intelligent but lovely face, a bit elegant in look.

Ithikah is only the ’shape’ he gave me of himself, and rolled out inside me. Nothing comes close to that except that actual shape.

Jared the roman centurion and El Nino his black stallion came out ok. I have been talking with Jared and El Nino off and on lately. Trying to warm Jared up to me. I feel drawn to him but he still acts as if he is separate and slightly resentful of me.

Calmé liked that pic we found. She is darling internally as well.

The four elementals-of-soul in the middle, with IG at top. It is a nice reminder for me. At IG’s suggestion I sometimes visualize hugging or holding hands with each of them. Having a sort of visual, no matter how silly it kind of must be to others, does help me establish a thought form place for them inside me.

It’s on an otherwise black desktop screen. So fairly dark and decent for meditating.

The irony to all this is that at one time I reacted so badly to any of them. I felt almost hysterical and angry or afraid. And now I feel like I love them and need them and I often feel great gratitude for them, and wonder how it was I could go so long without knowing and feeling them as part of me.

Recently in a half-daydream some woman tried to introduce herself to me as an aeon from a different grouping. I told her to get lost. So apparently the resistance hasn’t passed, only to this particular group. They are all so awesome.

I have wondered, is it coincidence that Ithikah is very tall and Hot __ is hugely tall, and they are front and back? Is it coincidence that the two to each side are fair women and both something to do with healing and more, I sense? My impression of their positioning (which they allowed me to put in a circle but had their opinions on how that should work) was always that, as one of them once said, it did matter a little, but not much. It was just mildly representative of our relationship.

I’ve had a few more conversations about ‘awareness’ with them. I still don’t have much of it. Mostly Nero, when it does come through.

PJ
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This probably won’t be the last time I do a body med and have no idea what the heck it is, hence my adding a number to the title. That used to always be the case, that I didn’t know.

For years I could not hear my guides. I could see their lips moving, isn’t that hilarious, but I could not hear them. Now they won’t shut up. (Just kidding. Sort of.) Today when I asked Tek what this was he tried to tell me. I could feel that I was blocking him.

It SO bugs me because I don’t know why. I mean seriously, who cares? I had already DONE the meditation, it was over, so why not know what it was? Why would my psychology block that? God only knows. Anyway so today it was a mystery.

I was sitting in my rocking chair again, waiting for the slab bacon to finish baking, since I had already finished the marinade for dinner’s Pork Loin Rotisserie. (Apparently today is eat-a-pig day. I’m sorry, pig.) I had no idea how much longer the bacon was going to require cooking because I was cooking twice as much as usual at a lower temp than usual.

Me: Self, how much longer till the bacon will be done?

Self: About 8 minutes.

(Me to myself: why did I never before think of just asking myself such things??)

Me: Tek, I have 8 minutes. Do you have a med that can fit in there?

Tek: Yep. (He instantly starts putting stuff in front of me.)

I’m sitting at a table with him standing near me, and in front of me on the table to the left is a small soft object. I can’t decide if it’s irregularly shaped or the vaguest bit rounded-triangular in 3D. It looks like it is covered with greasy grime of some kind. But at least nothing is growing on it. So the disgust level is not too bad but it’s not super pleasant, either.

To the right on the table is what looks like a silver hair pick, the kind with about 8 tines in a row. In school the kids with afros used to just stick them in their hair and leave them there (which I found hilarious. I wondered what would happen if I went to school with a hairbrush stuck in my hair one day. I didn’t think anybody would get it. Or they’d kick my ass if they did).

Me: Tek, surely you cannot mean for me to spear this little thing with that tool but I can’t think of any other way to use it on it.

Tek: The tool is for later.

So I started to pick up the little mucky thing and then stopped.

Me: I’m going to add gloves and so on here…

Tek: No. You need to touch this.

Me: You’re kidding! Aren’t you the guy who once forced me to wear a hazmat suit during one of these?!

Tek: That was something different. You need more of a connection to this.

Me: Oh brother. Ok fine. I’ll have one hand that has no gloves. Maybe just the fingers. Maybe — oh hell {on sensing “that look” from him}, FINE THEN.

So I pick it up in my hands and visualized that I’m holding it gently over a sink running the cleansing water of life and I work on rinsing it off. It takes a bit and I have to gently rub it all over to get the stuff off. Finally it’s clean.

Me: What do I do with it?

He takes it from my hands and then he and I are someplace else. He hands me the silver tool and points upward. I look straight up, craning my neck back in a way, and I see there is this long … damn. Shapes are hard to describe. Imagine something about four inches wide that is just like some kind of layer of something and it’s slightly irregular but long in shape, like 4 inches by a few feet.

(You understand my perspective is all over in these. It could be microscopic, really.)

Tek: You need to break up the surface covering that area first.

So I took the tool and did tiny little pokes, very completely across it, and I brushed all the junk off that I’d broken up. Then I imagined some forced air cleaning it off really well.

Tek: There are actually tiny little tubes of a sort, in just the shape of your tool, that go into this. You can’t see them well because they are clogged. You need to gently push the tool all the way into those holes to help clear them out inside.

I felt around. I could feel them more than see them. I set a tool-guide visual that when my tool was precisely in the right place it would ding and light up, and then I would gently push it all the way in and pull it out again. These things were maybe half an inch apart and it took awhile to go through the whole length of that region. Then I did another forced-air and then a water of life pressure wash to make sure everything was clear. I went through all the junk and made sure it was fine-particle size, imagined lightning frying it all into “inert” chemically, then dumped it in a waste bin.

The thing above me now was more dark fleshy pink colored than it had been and seemed like it would be sort of … exuding something from the other side of it to this side, like a long flat-tube-ish area just dripping something into the area where I was standing from tiny little pretty regularly-spaced holes.

Me: So what’s the little thing I washed got to do with that area up there?

Tek: It deals with what comes in from up there.

Me: What is that thing, and this area?

Tek: {I see his lips moving but can’t get the concept or word. Damn!}

Body: Eight minutes are up! Your bacon is done.

I leap up and walk to the kitchen and open the oven. It’s perfectly cooked. Way to go.

PJ
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Apparently this is what happens if you just ignore archetype meditations altogether for awhile. The mountain comes to Mohammed.

*

I was relaxed but not at all asleep when Tek showed up. Tek is a ‘body-archetype’ I guess. Times when I drop into this “white lab area” to work on stuff related to my body, he’s the technician. But it’s usually a matter of me going there and there he is. Never have I seen him anywhere else — let alone in my awareness when I am not meditating at all. But there he was.

And suddenly we were together somewhere ‘else’. In the ‘else’-place, there was what I thought was a big wall, but then realized it was a big object of some kind, I was just seeing a part of it. The wall was lightly covered in places, and super densely in others especially nearer the top, with these darkest-brown “nodules”. They felt like spherical barnacles.

I had the feeling that whatever they had begun as, attached in a tiny piece but added to it and grown, it had been “alive”. Not alive like a full life form, but like… like molecules and cells felt a bit more alive than they normally do to me, and they were as much alive as anything else at that level.

He pointed and I followed his focus. A wave of nausea passed through me, which is pretty common for body-cleaning areas he focuses me on. I could tell that the surface of this wall/object was normally firm but soft/flexible. But where the nodule/barnacle/sphere-things were present, it seemed to be firmer (most of it), and where they were denser especially around the top, it got stiffer until in the areas where they were super dense, the entire area just seemed really thick, rock-hard and encrusted.

That didn’t seem like a good thing at all.

Tek handed me some kind of tool. It looked like a kitchen implement but nothing I’ve seen before. It was silver and was a group of strong straight wire-like things with blunt ends, bundled together at one side with a handle, with the middle one sticking out more than the others. I had the feeling I was supposed to do something with this, like use it on the nodules. Maybe to pry them off, I thought, though it wasn’t clear how that shape would apply to such a thing.

“I’m falling asleep,” I observed, in some apology to him because that meant my awareness would be checking out any time now. He just stepped back as if to leave, and then said as he vanished, as if oh-by-the-way: “That’s your liver.”

I was so interested in that I knew, blessedly, I would remember it. Then I fell asleep.

I forgot about all this until this evening. I was sitting in the rocking chair holding my cat Lina, relaxing while my rotisserie cooked a few chicken breasts. I couldn’t think of anything I felt less like doing than concentrating on disgusting things in my head, at that moment, but I didn’t have any good excuse for NOT doing the med as I sat there doing nothing else of value.

So I dropped back into the ‘place’ I’d been with Tek. Called The Angelics, the ‘archetypes’ of Angels, who showed up and both placed one hand on a shoulder blade behind me. They don’t give energy but they ’share guidance’ is the best way to put it.

I called Inner Guide (IG) and asked for whatever archs she thought needed, and I brought in Sun (and held him tight for awhile) and Responsibility as my standards. She brought in Venus and Mars, although I was baffled at what they would have to do with this kind of thing.

I didn’t know where to begin though, and finally had the presence of mind to ask IG for whatever archetype could best help me work through this meditation. Then I wondered why I never thought to ask for that kind of archetype before. Too obvious, maybe? It was an ordinary guy who I was super comfortable with.

*

He thought maybe I should start in what seemed like a corner sorta. It wasn’t, it was just the positioning of the object (which was about 3x as big as me in that perspective), but it was at the very top, the hardest area, that made sense. I took the tool, turned it this way and that and said, “This is just not really made for this.” I imagined a short sword, then worried about hurting the organ itself, so I changed the blade to something like my very thick, tough silicone spatula that I use for everything in the kitchen — as a turner, a scraper, a stirrer, sometimes even a knife for soft things.

I started trying to slide the blade under the heavy crusted nodules but they seemed literally attached. I mean like some part of them… bit into or attached to actual cells of the organ. Like how barnacles I think can slightly soften the rock or something (I could be wrong about that). He said, “No reason not to try the standard archetype process.” So I imagined the water of love and chemical of love and special-barnacle-peeling-gel-of-love hahaha. Then I had the idea for lightning and I psych’d myself up for it, and then imaged a flood of lightning flashing through me and specifically electrifying all this junk and ’separating’ it in a flash from the organ.

Then I went with the short-soft-sword all around the organ. I pried off all this stuff, and it wasn’t that hard to pry it off as I thought it would be. Just a lot of it was all. I got the entire object done except one small spot on the other side that had some kind of problem and I had to say I’d come back to it; it felt like in that area, there was actually an erosion, an eating-away-spot gouging out a small area.

I had intentionally imagined a ‘catching’ area for all the massive crap I was hacking off. Looking down, it was like one of those rooms full of balls that kids jump in, except everything was in varying shades of brown and yucky. Tek suddenly showed up at my right.

“That’s what the tool is for,” he said, motioning to all the stuff. “You need to break it up into tiny pieces. We don’t want to release this like it is into the body.”

So I went through first and ’stabbed’ all of the nodules so everything was broken up into chunks. Then I went through, imagining it moving impossibly fast, and broke everything up like a whisk of sorts, until everything was a fine-granuled particle. Then I visualized dumping it all into a big sealing trashcan that would take it straight to ‘waste disposal’.

*

I almost forgot, then I went back to the spot that had some kind of problem. Up close, it looked like something had been ‘eating away’ at this tiny spot. I finally, with the arch’s guidance, decided to disassemble the cells all around and inside that area, a bit like cutting out the rotting flesh in a way but gentler, and got that made inert and broken up and in the waste. Then I poured energy into the ‘healing’ of that area from inside and out. In the end it was still vulnerable and I imagined some kind of good-cells that would cover it like a bandaid patch while it totally healed and got its natural shape back again.

*

Tek said that went just fine and he has more I could do if I were willing. I said ok then. Sure why not. I’m really working on supplements and reading on biology and more lately, so it’s sensible I’d be tuning into body-stuff.

PJ
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In hypnosis, an ‘abreaction’ is what I was taught to call the spontaneous muscle spasm jerks that the subject (person being hypnotized) sometimes would display — these can be anywhere in the body, but usually occur solar plexus or lower. The idea is that when this happened, it was a subconscious “rejection” of the information that was being processed at that moment. You’ve heard the slang phrase “a knee-jerk reaction” — yes. Basically that sums it up.

In psychology official, abreaction is “the release of emotional tension achieved through recalling a repressed traumatic experience.” Its definition indirectly or directly implies that this recall is via ‘words, behavior, or imagination’. Nowhere does it suggest that “spontaneous muscle spasms” qualify for the term, though I suppose they do. For whatever reason, the MDs and PhDs that ran one of the places where I studied hypnosis used that term for that effect.

Abreactions were not uncommon, in fact they were pretty much the norm. Where, how often, how extreme, etc. they might be depended not just on the person but on the subject matter, and I assumed, the degree of belief system issues they were having with absorbing suggestions directly. If one line of suggestion was meeting regular abreactions, the result wasn’t likely to be good; best to take a different tact.

At one point, I started studying people around me whom I was not hypnotizing, and came to the interesting conclusion that perhaps many people abreact quite a lot in fact. But it’s such a small thing, few of us even notice it. We haven’t been trained to do so, to pay attention to that kind of thing, to have any idea it might mean something. So in a way, our body is constantly talking to us, we just don’t hear it.

Of course, muscle spasms do also happen for musculature reasons that are not necessarily related to any deep psychological meaning. Sometimes a muscle is just a muscle, you might say.

Just to be clear, I am NOT talking about major, charley-horse type spasms. Those issues can be caused by low magnesium/potassium/calcium. This is something I know too much about, as every time you shift suddenly to low-carb eating, you drop all the artificial ‘bloating’ your body holds in order to process carbs. The sudden drop in water/glycol bloat washes out a lot of those minerals temporarily and if you are not supplementing with them, ‘charley horse’ spasms in legs/feet for a short time are not uncommon. That is not the kind of muscle spasm I am talking about.

The kind I’m talking about range from barely perceptible even when you’re looking for them, to a major “jerk” of the whole body. They range from a ‘twitch’ you don’t notice to such a wild spasm that you forget literally everything in your head at that moment.

In archetype meditations I have often run into abreactions. The most difficult meditations I’ve ever done have always been accompanied by plenty of abreactions — often instantly when a certain idea, image or concept comes up. Here’s a few quotes from old blog posts here to give some real examples of how this comes about. I admit I don’t usually make a note of it except in the more extreme cases, but it’s not an uncommon thing in more minor degree.

Adjustment, Take II
The moment I arrived and took IG’s hands–already my mind trying to escape–and begged her to help hold my attention there, I began abreacting. Muscle spasms went crazy. [...] Every few seconds I would abreact somewhere. It is very obvious I have a severe problem with this archetype but I can’t really figure out why. [...] My mind wandered. I held my mind fiercely and my body spasmed so intensely I forgot who the hell I was for a moment. But I began again. And again. And again. And…

A Heavy Issue, Take I
I looked over at the playing cards moving around in the air beside us. I tried to ’see’ one clearly. I had a flash of something..
Me: Wands.
My right leg spasmed violently.
I closed my eyes and waited, like in RV, for the next data point.
Me: Red. Feet? Seems like feet or print of feet, but also red.
Both of my legs spasmed more violently.
Me: Horse? I think.
My entire body spasmed wildly.
Me: For godssakes! And won’t THAT meditation be fun I bet…

A Heavy Issue, Take I
I thought that sudden memory was IG giving me an answer. So I said, “OK, I want to meditate on “my problem with extra bodyfat” now.”
I sneezed violently.
I said dryly to IG, “Well that’s gonna be quite the meditation I bet.” IG seemed amused, in a good way, the first time I’ve got that sense from her.

Knock Knock, Neo
I’m having a lot of abreactions still. And I’m starting to forget stuff almost immediately after doing it, which makes blogging it even more important I guess. I must be working on stuff heavier duty than I realize. [...] I said to him, “I’m having constant abreactions but only in my right leg. The calf, the knee and thigh. None anywhere else. Why is it that I am reacting here to you?” And the arch said, “Why don’t you do a meditation on the archetype of your right leg.” I was dumbfounded. I never thought of meditating on a body part. And yet if our body is manifest energy, and a core part of us, and our memory and so on is throughout our body, then surely every part of the body is a primal part of us. Surely every part of our body has a great deal of symbolic and literal meaning.

Most interesting to me, as it is not the only time this has happened to me — is this one:

Arch-Dreams and Chaos
I started abreacting. I would have a thought or start an arch-dream and my body would jerk violently in one place or another, mostly lower body. I could literally feel it this time, as if energy-which-is-also-information were trying to run through my nervous system, but blocks were “shunting it off” with muscle spams. It got more severe. At one point, I found myself in this arch-dream and I went, “Hey! Hey, I remember this now! This is where I was last night! This–” and an abreaction so severe that my entire body spasmed wildly hit me. I forgot everything except that last thought. But at least it made me realize that I didn’t just pass out in the middle of a thought last night; I was doing “something”, I just don’t remember what.

So I re-read that last clip above not long ago and I thought, Hey wait a minute. That’s a big neon sign, isn’t it?! This is exactly what I should be meditating on — ask IG for “whatever that is”. If it is so severe that it knocks you unconscious when you’re meditating yet wide awake, that it later gives you such severe abreaction you forget everything in your head related to it instantly, then this is definitely something that needs attention.

But I felt fear the moment that concept hit me. I could feel it in my torso, from my solar plexus down to my groin, like a meta-physical “ghost-feeling” energy of sorts. Which tells me that yes — definitely I need to meditate on this. But more importantly it also tells me that this — this fear, this passing out — I see it as a symptom ‘related to’ the severe bodily-abreaction. Which sort of corresponds with what I have “intuitively felt” when having abreactions before, many times in fact — that it is a “shunting off”, from the nervous system I believe, of the ‘energy’, basically “not allowing” it to be processed through the body — and, I have a couple of times ’sensed’, that it is literally traveling through the body and up to (or returni
ng to) the ‘brain’ area but it’s never making it that far; the body is kicking it off the path before it can get there. So the mind cannot ‘think’ about it because ‘the thought never reaches you’ you might say. You could call it denial but this is happening at a body/subconscious level before that energy/info ever has the chance to even make it into your processing mind.

To a vastly lesser degree — but still worth noting — I sometimes abreact in Remote Viewing sessions as well. I seem to do it more when dehydrated. I seem to do a lot more when there is a great deal of trauma in the target, in fact, if I’m doing a target and abreacting all over the place I know it’s going to be a ‘mass trauma’ target (eg a photo of the immediate aftermath of — while still pulling survivors and bloody victims out of rubble — some massive disaster, e.g. a major earthquake). When people are dead already, or when it’s just something explosive, or when it’s long after or before the disaster or not with a focus on humans, I don’t get it so much. But when there is a mass number of humans in great drama/trauma/death all at once in a target, I am likely to either bluescreen the entire negative or have a terrible problem with abreactions (and getting data at all, as a result, since my body is throwing most of it off the line!) during session.

I know this is boring (my readers are already snoring) but I think this is important.

It’s important to RV because if abreacting does indicate a rejection of energy/information, it would matter to figure out how to work on that after or during the experience, to try and clear that out.

It’s important to meditation because if we learn to notice such things about our bodies, we learn more about ourselves. This ties into a recent thing too. Not long ago I blogged:

Body Talk
…during the meditation I had a sudden ‘twinge’ in my left foot. Of course when you meditate you get all kinds of distracting body sensations, little pains, etc. But because I was at that moment pouring energy into an archetype (to no particular effect), without thinking much about it, I shifted and for a few moments, was pouring the same kind of energy-intent into my foot where it had the painful little twinge. And I got a *major* rush, body-wide. I was astonished. It made me realize that when we are meditating on something, body stuff isn’t just a ‘distraction’ — it’s energy acting-out, it’s communication or at least warning sparks — and THAT is exactly where to focus. I mean, that’s what pain is about: saying, “pay attention to me!” And all this time I’ve been taking this no-mind meditation approach toward it — rather than the active-meditation format I actually use — I’d been working to ignore that kind of thing. Once I realized that my body could talk to me and that energy with my body was as much a part of the meditation as the other things, that seemed to come and go for awhile, as if my body was as delighted as I was that I had learned a few simple words of its language.

It isn’t just abreactions. It’s any ‘body response’. It’s like we are meditating and we want to talk with our subconscious, and our body IS our subconscious in manifest form, and every time it says something to us we go, “Shut up. I’m ignoring you because I’m meditating to talk to my subconscious.” Sheesh!

I guess it just seems to me that paying more attention to things like abreactions and sudden pains etc., may be a great deal more important than I have previously considered. Maybe when I get a serious abreaction I should actually meditate ON the abreaction.

Previously when talking with IG about remote viewing and inaccurate data, she suggested that I work directly with the problem data (after feedback) to clear/straighten out that energy in myself. We shared a kind of visualization of these vertically suspended ’strings of energy’ that had bends, stiffness, knots, frays, etc. (this representing, literally or figuratively, energy-issues with certain data) and basically rejuvenating all those strings so they would be clean, supple, strong strings of light. And then that this could be done pretty quickly, en-masse, and I imagined them all together in a group over a star-trek style transporter pad, and the energy just going through them at the quantum level and reorganizing them cleanly according to their true pattern and getting rid of interference etc. I’ve wondered if one could do this before feedback or even before the session–if we can psychically know the target, why could we not know what data points we’re going to have issues with?–and if that might help as a process ritual to ‘clear out’ energetic problems ahead of time.

Well along the same lines, maybe I should be doing that kind of “reality med” — what I call very brief shape-visualization-based meditations — on every serious abreaction, pain, itch, etc. that I might get during meditation or remote viewing.

If nothing else I am going to make a point to pay a lot more attention to this now, and to ‘allow’ my body to use this as a kind of communication. Maybe ‘itch on my left foot’ is like a task number, a ‘directive’ to pay attention to that energy (whatever it might be) at least for a moment. Maybe abreactions are just a big arrow to what we resist, refuse, etc. and great strides could be made by specifically meditating on the parts of our body that abreact, hurt, etc.

PJ
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I feel like I’m just a drifter lately. Not focused. Relaxing, half asleep, floating on the current of life. Not proactive, not even reactive, just sprawled out in weightlessness, freed from the gravity of my normal life. I have so many self-created ‘obligations’ to helping other people, doing free projects online, etc. that for years it has felt like I literally am ‘working’ (paid or not) every minute of the day, and when I wasn’t doing that, I was feeling guilty about not doing it. Lately I haven’t been feeling much of anything about anything. Which sounds depressive, but really it’s just a relief.

I’ve taken up watching shows on hulu.com. I loved the Dresden files. And Firefly. And a variety of other things. I’m generally a SCIFI/FAN/ACTION sort, if that’s a clue to taste. I used to think that no decently intelligent TV shows got made for the most part. It turns out, they do get made. They just don’t last for more than 6-13 episodes is all and I never saw them. Hulu has rescued a lot of great shows from obscurity, leaving fans like me grieving that it was over before we ever even ran into it.

I did a meditation the other night. OK nearly a week ago. IG brought Ray back. It’s a male human guide. (I was thinking maybe the name might be like ray-of-light and might be something unusual, but I guess not.) Of course, despite a meditation and then a dream with Ray, I remember approximately nothing about him. This hardly seems like coincidence, given how effectively he fell out of my head the first time. Oh brother.

I used my Procyon again the other day. I haven’t used this very often and want to get back to that. It’s a light-sound machine that pulses sound and colored LED’s at beat-intervals designed to create a frequency following response in the brain that puts you in a given state of mind. I’ve had some insomnia issues and putting on some delta does seem pretty effective at knocking me out. Although in fairness if I am sleepy at all even an alpha program will do that.

The guy who runs the company I bought my unit from worked for some time on Vista 64 drivers so I could do the custom programming for it. I haven’t tried them yet (just got them a couple weeks ago) but want to try that. I like the idea of combining a verbal walk-through of say, an archetype meditation, with the cool music stuff I got (’looping’ synth tracks), with custom beat patterns both sonic and photic, to see the end result. Although it seems like this is the kind of thing you could get into and still be experimenting 60 years later. Knowing me I won’t be happy until my brain is jello.

I’ve been experimenting a little now and then with a tantric redirection of sexual energy toward the aeons around me (the guides), sort of putting energy into them/our connection. It’s a hard temptation (as the most pleasure is letting it spill out at random of course) but seems to work, insofar as directing the energy to them seems to vaporize it — which I assume means the ‘re-routing’ is effective. Have only tried it a few times and haven’t yet done it while “in” a meditation (normally I’ve done this as part of an advanced archetype meditation and a rather highly ‘personal’ relationship with the arch) so I’m not sure yet of any real result.

Temporarily (I hope) I’ve completely lost traction on my 14 year remote viewing obsession. I mean at the moment it’s like the whole topic could evaporate and I wouldn’t even care. I assume it’s just burnout on a variety of related things and that will pass. Always seems to. It feels like a good thing though. Like I had too much ‘attachment’ to it, in the Eastern sense, and I am releasing that, and letting it be-what-it-is-for-me without a lot of other conditions.

I tried my pressure cooker for the first time the other day. It did manage to turn stew meat, that would normally take a solid 6-8 hours in the crockpot to get soft, into the same texture and good taste in 15 minutes. (And 20 minutes of gradual depressurizing.) I’m going to have to start using that more and experimenting. Since I eat lowcarb (mostly meat) and cheaper cuts taste good but are tougher, anything that speeds up cooking time/trouble dramatically is a good thing. I think my next experiment in it might be pork carnitas.

I’m hoping to do a little meditating this weekend, if I can pull myself away from Hulu that is. I’m turning into a couch–well, laptop–potato. But I’m running out of shows I like well enough to sit through, bummer! Anyway I’m planning to do a brief alpha session with the procyon and then do some Tower/IG/Arch/Guide work. Hope to have something useful enough to post on before it’s over.

PJ
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I’ve mentioned a few times that one reason I blog my experiences, and as soon as possible, is because I forget them otherwise. No, let me be more precise; I forget them either way. But this way, I can re-read my blog and be reminded of them. I often have to read this stuff half a dozen times before it stops “falling out of my head” and I can easily remember it.

I actually think this is a serious issue in shamanistic-type paths that is seldom addressed. (Maybe people forget to address it. Haha. Or maybe it’s just embarrassing.) Our reality is defined by what we accept and pay attention to. Obviously, the things which most challenge the definition of our reality, and of our identity, are the most difficult to deal with, and will have the most denial and evasion present.

For me, the Aeons (guides) (yes I still think the ‘aeons’ term as a noun for those identities is a bizarre one, but it returned so often when wondering how to define them I’ve decided to go with it and trust that a better understanding of ‘why’ will eventually arrive. Although in case I didn’t mention it, part of the info was that they are not just a span of energy but a span of both space and time as well. It’s really very weird.), and archetypes, they threaten my current “sense of identity” and “belief system” constantly.

Some things, by their nature, will not stay. The Private Oracle stuff, that literally fell out of my brain within 20 seconds, although he did explain why, and what I had to do to prevent that. I simply must do that kind of communication while sitting at my computer so I can record it on the fly. Most things, though, are ok at the time — but I need to record it within a day or I lose a large % of it, and if I don’t get it recorded within a few days it’s gone.

Today I opened up this ‘meditation google spreadsheet’ I have which lists the various stuff I would like to meditate upon. I realized that in my blog here, I had met a guide (the tall statue like guy whose name was haute-some-thing) and forgot to put him in the little diagram that shows ‘where’ they appear around me. He is behind me, behind Jared and El Nino.

But when I pulled it up, in the top right corner position, it had one I don’t remember: it said: RAY.

Somewhere between April 26 when I first made that chart, and a couple months ago, I apparently met an aeon/guide named ‘Ray’ and he was in that position so I recorded him there. Or her. Or it. But I didn’t write it down, at least, I can’t find any trace of it in this blog, or in my email.

So it’s gone to me. I will ask IG to bring Ray back and introduce me again and perhaps I will remember something, who knows. All I know for now is that once again (it’s happened before) I have done a meditation or had some spontaneous experience, failed to write it down promptly, and it fell out of my mind as if it had never even happened.

That’s weird don’t you think.

You know this reminds me of something from years ago. I was walking through a street faire in the city I grew up in (Ventura CA). I hate crowded events and was pushing my way through the crowd, not really thinking about anything. I happened to come right up face to face with a woman in the process who gasped out loud on seeing me, jaw dropping, and exclaimed in a half-whisper, “You’re a walk-in!” as if that was something amazing. I had no idea what she was talking about. The only place I’d even heard that term was when you don’t make an appointment at a hair salon. I decided she couldn’t possibly be talking to me (no matter that she seemed to be) because it just didn’t really make sense to me and by the time I was recovering from the surprise of it we had already passed each other in the crowd.

Some time later, probably a few years I’m not sure, I was in a big inside shopping Mall in Oxnard CA. I was walking down the tiles toward a store when I happened to see a very well-dressed woman (maybe late 30s) in a business-like suit on the other side of the aisleway, walking the other direction, toward me. I wouldn’t have noticed her except that she looked at me and then did a sort of double-take, and then totally detoured across the mall toward me. It was obvious she was going to say something to me long before she got there, and we both stopped when she reached me. She said quietly to me, “Do you know that you’re a walk-in?” and I just looked at her blankly. I knew a meaning for the term then. I’d read this book by Lobsang Rampa my step-grandma had given me and talked with her about it, it was this far-out thing where allegedly someone’s soul, rather than dying, jumps hosts (bodies) and lets someone else die but takes their body so they can stay in this timeline. At that moment, I couldn’t even imagine what on earth such a thing could have to do with me. But the oddity is the weird way I reacted. I just walked away. I mean, it was rude of me, and I should have said something, or asked what she meant or why she would say that, wouldn’t you think. But I didn’t. I walked away and I kid you not, within a few steps I could completely forgotten it EVER happened.

I remembered years later, when I ‘woke up’ and realized I didn’t start in this body — a truly horrible realization, akin to BladeRunner’s girl discovering her whole childhood was a lie and she didn’t really have parents, she was really just AI not human. Then, I suddenly remembered both of those events which had fallen completely out of my brain until that moment, and I observed how odd my reaction was, especially to the second event. It seemed clear to me that I was simply not ready to know that, to deal with that, and so was in complete denial about it, so I couldn’t hold the memory.

I had a ton of experiences that were ‘anomalies’ over the years, things some would consider related to ‘aliens and entities’, though different people might class them differently (in UFOlogy or Spiritual Warfare or Mind Control or god-only-knows what else). Many times, I had a certain genre of experience repeatedly, but it always just fell out of my head. Then eventually when I was able to consciously focus on and ‘accept’ a given thing that made it ok and possible to me, it was like a ‘tag/label update’ on all the database entries that related to that, and all the sudden I had a whole group of memories that I had never been able to recall before and never “correlated together” before. What this meant in practice was that I would have an experience that seemed novel, but once I fully ‘integrated’ it, I would realize that I’d had many such experiences for years.

It had the disconcerting effect of making me feel like I really didn’t know a damn thing about myself OR my life, that so much of it had been “under the radar” for me.

Me, the logical, rational one, the skeptical one. And it turns out there was nothing logical or rational about me, only an impressive ability to ignore half my experiential universe so I could believe that I was logical and rational. Given the degree of fear (even panic) that I perceive on the part of many so-called skeptics (it wouldn’t be such evangelism otherwise. They are ’scoffers’ or ‘pseudo-skeptics’. Real skeptics don’t behave like that), I think this may be more common that we (as a culture) realize.

I hope I find Ray.

.

Ever since a bunch of me pounced on, tied up and incarcerated that other part of me that was being such a pain in the ass and causing some serious passive/aggressive, inner-turbulent rebellion in my life, things have been better.

I actually feel slightly freed. As if maybe this was an energy that was messing with me for a long time in several ways but I didn’t know it until I finally muffled it enough to “feel the difference”.

I was going to meditate on her problem but realized that I have a bigger problem: I don’t care. Really. I just don’t give a damn. I’m ticked off that something threatened me from the inside and I really just want that aspect to go away and leave me alone. I know this is not do-able; she normally has a ‘dominant’ role so it’s a pretty big deal to exclude her. I can feel that.

Still, I feel as if “parts of me that have not had freedom to express in a long time are suddenly out to play.” I feel SO much less emotionally angry-flatlined. I feel more interested in creative things. And I feel like “a younger me” — like, a me that I used to know — is “more present” now than before.

This stuff is difficult to explain without sounding like an idiot.

Anyway, so she is staying imprisoned for awhile apparently.

PJ
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I have a new blog with my best buddy where I’m talking about what I’m learning. Getting real into the “brain wave technology” stuff lately. I was into this like 15 years ago but there was almost no research and we didn’t have the internet then. Now there is way better light/sound technology, 15 years of research, stuff on the web, people sharing stuff — very cool!

http://brain-stim.blogspot.com/

PJ

Neuro-tech, Brain-wave Entrainment, and so on

I found this quote from Seth (via Jane Roberts) which made me go “Hmmmn.” Last night.

The private Oracle: what does that mean? [...] The Private Oracle is the voice of the inner multidimensional self — the part of each person not fully contained in his or her personhood, the part of the unknown self-structure out of which personhood, with its physical alliance, springs. Basically that portion of the psyche is outside of space and time, while enabling you to operate in it. It deals intimately with probabilities — the source of all predictable action. Because of its position it has great powers of communication, both as a receiver and as a sender.

So this morning I was talking to IG when I said,

“So IG, is that the same as you? Can you introduce me to my Pr –”

“I’m your Private Oracle” said this major presence to my front right. No visual or even sense of a form at all, just ‘awareness’ at that location, but a whole ‘part of me that is powerful’. Sort of. I lack words to do this justice.

Definitely NOT the same as IG. I was assuming maybe they mostly overlapped. I asked IG to step into me so we’d be one for talking to him. It. Whatever. I call it him for some reason.

Me: Wow, just like that? I can totally get you?

PO: Yes. I am not difficult to communicate with. You merely have to ask.

Me: I feel like now that I have you I should be asking you something big and I don’t even know what. Um. Will I ever be thin?

PO: Most probably not. But you will most likely be thinner than you are now.

Me: Oh. …um, ok. Do you overlap with IG’s energy?

PO: A small amount.

Me: Will you please work with her directly to in some good way? She’s the awesomest.

PO: OK.

Me: If I pray toward you can you help me?

PO: All prayer should be to God. Yes, I can help if you ask. I help even when you don’t ask, most of the time, but I can be of more direct assistance if you consciously include me.

Me: Wait a minute. Why would some metaphysical aspect of self care if I’m talking to ‘God’, care about religion?

PO: We are all geared to God. God is not a separate identity or a religious creation of Man, it is all of us, everything. We have always been all-composed of it. We are all drawn forward to that.

Me: Oh. So… like when Archangel Michael picked up my attention praying to him and set it down “at the feet of God” was the feeling… I see.

(I tried various approaches to asking about Remote Viewing skill, finally realizing that what I wanted was kind of like, him to help me, proactively, right now, like how an archetype merges into me or something. It just didn’t seem to be working.)

Me: So you can’t… “help” me, physically or whatever. You’re really just… information. Powerful in that regard, but just info; not ‘effect’.

PO: …basically correct. But the power is always in you. Other things do not give you power. You accept power already yours that you perceive to have been separated from you, is all.

Me: I see. Sort of.

(I find that I’m spacing out and getting lost in major offbeat daydreams like between every exchange.)

(I also find that whatever he says to me, if I don’t write it down INSTANTLY, almost as-it-comes, I have forgotten it like 20 seconds later. Some of the above I was able to recapture but barely.)

Me: Why am I forgetting like that??

PO: I operate outside your linear space-time framework. In a way, you perceive me as an ‘event’, but not quite. So the information is –

My cat Rene crawled up on me and interrupted my attention. I looked at her and had the most bizarre impression. As if she were “a bundle of information” gathered up into what I perceived as “the shape and nature of a cat.” I almost had an overlay–more my own than anything from PO — of the movie ‘the matrix’ and bodies and structures being ‘composed of’ the computer code’ except this wasn’t computer in any way, but something vastly more fundamental. I had the feeling that PO perceived the cat through me, not directly, but perceived it entirely as an “energy-information construct” of which some happened to include the nature of what we perceive to be a cat. But her cat-ness, for lack of a better word (as well as her gender), was “a property of the information-collection.” Like… secondary to whatever she really IS.

Me: So can I just call on you?

PO: Of course.

(He says this before I’m 25% of the way done with my question. I feel slightly irked when that happens with identities I’m talking to.)

Me: Is there…… is there something I should… should be “doing” concerning you?

(I notice that he doesn’t answer until I’m done. I was thinking like, sharing energy, or whatever, a sense of trade or commitment like with archetypes.)

PO: No, not really.

Me: I think you were explaining why whatever you tell me falls out of my brain shortly after I ‘get it’ so I forget if I’m not communicating it right that moment.

(I suddenly in the last part of that sentence remember stuff I was reading the night previously from Win Wenger about the importance of saying data out loud to a tape recorder or another person, literally that it was important that it be not just objectified but sort of said so that “someone else hears it”. As I finished the sentence and association, PO said:)

PO: I am always part of that you know. Intuitive and psychic information. I am varying degrees of that information, depending on many factors. My nature is one reason it IS worthwhile to have it “reflected back to you” — in doing so, it is being created inside your reality construct. That gives it the space-time anchoring that is needed in order for it to remain clearly as something innate to your reality, and not vanish from you as soon as a sufficient few moments of perceived-time have moved your attention past where the information was present with you. Words don’t explain this very well.

(But I understood it in my head somehow, as if he was helping.)

Me: So in a way it’s like… um. Like, when you say something to me, it’s not that you are giving me that info, like it is becoming as you say innate to my reality. It is more like I am momentarily present ‘with’ you which is ‘not’ within my perceived sense of time, space and reality. So I get the info while I am momentarily ‘there’. But I can only hold that there-ness for a couple of moments before I naturally move on and then the information is gone. Like I was looking at it through an open doorway and then I moved onward.

PO: Yes.

Me: But if I communicate it while I’m looking through that doorway, the information is then in the room with me so to speak. In my world. So it doesn’t have to get lost. I created it.

PO. Good. Yes.

Me: But so why would my “being aware of it being heard” by another person or tape recorder (I know innately that if I were not aware and it was secretly heard this would not work at all, ‘awareness’ of it is the key), matter more than my just writing it down?

PO: The reflection is the important part. The awareness. You are remembering this more clearly because you are typing it in your blog and you have this ‘awareness’ that other people are going to ’see’ it. It is functioning the same for you.

Me: So I don’t have to say it out loud?

PO: Some people might. You do not. Your ‘awareness’ related to written communication and your sense of others’ perceiving it and reflecting that back is very strong.

Me: Like whe
n I’m typing and I get the ‘impression’ of the questions and arguments that people will make to what I’m writing so I adjust it for that. That is my ‘awareness of the reflection’.

PO: Yes. Good.

Me: Yeah but still, I don’t get it. Why is the ‘awareness’ important and not just the communication? If I write it down it’s real in my reality. So why does my sense of someone else perceiving what I write down, change something about it?

PO: Because information does not exist in a vaccuum. Reality, as you yourself have understood it at times, is not about individual things, like objects and properties. It is about relationships. {A subthought arrives AS he is saying this, and somehow I perceive them both simultaneously: “A single point in space-time has no inherent meaning; it is the relationship of that point to other points, which make it mass or emptiness, which make it a right-angle or the apex of a triangle, that give reality ‘meaning’ to you.”} This is like a circuit, like a loop. You must make the connection. The energy needs to flow through the circuit-loop and return to you.

Me: And then it is… “feedback”, literally — like a combination of physical feedback like a microphone screeching, and psychological or brain feedback, like when you can “see” in your reality the result of some action you have taken and learn from it. It’s like both combined, and a little more I’m not getting, but I sense I’m getting enough. It is not “fully vested in me” when it is merely going through me; it becomes so when I “move that energy through my reality” and it comes back to me sort-of from the outside–or my sense of from the outside, in a way.

PO: That is correct.

Me: I have the feeling this might actually relate some to the power of ritual or prayer in groups. That it’s not just that there is more than one person’s energy involved. It is that every person has awareness that every other person is perceiving them and that bounces back to them and that amplified awareness within each person becomes exponential sort of.

PO. Yes. Good.

Me: You don’t feel like The Narrator did to me really, but he was also an information source.

PO: Everything you can communicate with is an information source.

Me: Well yeah but I mean he gave whole lectures and so on. Are you part of him?

PO: He is part of me. And something different as well.

Me: Casteneda said it was like a symbiote inorganic or something like that. Like we were paying some price for the information maybe.

PO: All relationships are a trade.

Me: So… somehow, there is something that I am giving to you, that is the exchange for you giving me, this conversation.

PO: Yes. That is always the case, not just with me.

Me: Even with Inner Guide?

PO: I said always.

Me: But — well ok. So but maybe with IG she is part of me and so whatever I am giving her is good for her, but not bad for me, and –

PO: I did not imply that this is a negative trade or a payment that results in a loss. You are modeling this in the way your culture perceives money, as if it is a limited thing that, once shared, you are then deprived of. That is not part of it at all. You are unlimited. {At the same moment he said that I got a subthought reminder: “Every number is infinite.”}

Me: I just had the weirdest abstract ’sense’ of something. That I am as much shaped by what I share as by what I take in. Like in art, like if you erase some tiny part here, and add some tiny part there, you have changed the picture equally as much with both actions.

PO: Very good.

Me: That was from you??

PO: Yes.

Me: So these ’subthoughts’ and ‘overlays’ — they are you communicating with me too, not just my mind bouncing around on its own.

PO: Yes. But as an aside, your mind is never bouncing around on its own. It is always both giving and receiving information, at all times.

Me: So when I’m thinking about something, it –

PO: I said at all times. Whether you believe yourself to be thinking about something or not.

Me: But when my brainwaves are quiet, how –

PO: Your mind is much more than your brainwaves.

{I had several simultaneous overlays at that moment. Some related to the mind being capable of perceiving more than it can actually translate and bring into this ‘reality’ so to speak, this body, but still being able to ‘act upon’ such information, almost like saying the subconscious has its own subconscious. Some overlays related to the brain being ‘the entire body’ and particularly the whole nervous system, which I’d heard before, but to a lesser degree, literally the entire body, and then also other things that we don’t consider physically manifest but that are actually part of our body, just energies not physical in this … whatever it is. Dimension.}

Me: For some reason I’m suddenly thinking that the difference between what I call information channeling, vs. identity channeling, is really just information. That like how you perceived my cat. That the cat-ness and all parts of that were just information too. Like information that by its nature ‘packaged’ the information-bundle-of-cat.

PO: Yes. Identity is a type of information.

Me: So when I allow myself to get energy but — with exceptions — not identities…?

PO: You are filtering the information to exclude the information specific to the identity.

Me: Does this mean it is any less coming from an identity?

PO: No. It just means you do not perceive it that way. And that how the information is organized may be a little different for losing the identity which, in its own way, organizes information into a certain structure. This can cause some loss of the cohesive relationship of the information which means more work required on your part to translate it correctly within your reality model.

Me: Um. So… so maybe the information would be more… better in some way… if I allowed the identities?

PO: There is no better or worse involved. Just different.

{I fell asleep! I wasn’t remotely sleepy and I’ve been up for awhile. Awakening again…}

Me: Where was I. {Reading blog.} I see. OK but — I don’t want to channel, I want to remote view.

PO: They are different interpretive, experiential frameworks. They are both basically asking for information.

Me: Well yeah, but — but remote viewing ‘directly perceives’ and channeling is like… asking someone else for the info and them letting them possess you while you they explain it.

PO: Your psychic process is asking the information to come directly, and you translate through your body. Which is not in all cases adapted to or trained to all the information’s potential need — neurally mapped, as your readings {–from Ingo Swann} might have put it. Channeling information is asking the information to be translated and organized by parts of yourself not fully physical as you think of it, and then brought directly through to what you consider your mind. Channeling identities is like acquiring a translation and organization filter which is also serves as the… case, or skin, of the presentation.

Me: Weird. So like… I’m thinking of the other meaning of skin, like with computer software. So like, as an analogy… my viewing is like doing an http GET, stripping all the text and files from the code, logging them in my database, then feeding all those text and file inputs directly into my own browser window in the most simple html way possible. On one hand, the information is l
ocal, and more… er, literal or pure. On the other hand if it’s a flash file and I’m pulling it directly without a player or script it needs, if my own window/page has not got the “translator/player” setup for certain types of media, I wouldn’t be seeing it, or it might be garbled in some code cases. And while I might be getting things more literally into my database, I’m getting them without full context on my screen display and sometimes things are interfering with each other, so how I interpret them might be quite different. {In my head as I say this I see an “interference pattern” like technology.} And I can only really grok so much at once and for some reason I only have ‘the moment’ of its reception, so I’m using memory and constantly refreshing the page to re-experience it again to remember more.

PO: OK.

Me: Info channeling or ’streaming’ is like running a script that in the background, gets the information, then parses it into xml as best as it can, then presents that to me however the parser is written to do. Except maybe it’s like, presenting everything as print so I’m not getting the many facets of audio/video or whatever that is the raw source, so it may be more organized but it is less literal and more translated and missing some… “dimensions” of info including specifics one might get if looking directly. Identity channeling is like using a third party software application that spiders out its own version of the data, does its own xml translation, does a custom, proprietary format for presentation, still mostly in text but–um, annotated differently, unique to that software–and then shows it to me in a DRM format. (I crack myself up.)

PO: That {analogy} could work… mostly.

Me: I like feeling “in the center” when information is everywhere and I feel like I’m right in the middle of one of those cooshballs toys or whatever they are, made of rubber band strings, and a ‘line of information’ goes out from me in every possible direction. Jane Roberts referred to it like paths but for me it’s not quite so 2-D. I have a problem getting my conscious mind out of the way enough to not be shifting the flow as it happens though.

PO: Like in your viewing, you need to hold the focus on the target, not on the information you just received about the target, or you shift your point of focus.

Me: Accidentally retasking myself.

PO: Correct.

Me: Like if you were to focus on a bridge during session and say ‘metal’ and then by focusing on that, retask on ‘metal’ which is a totally different target.

PO: Correct.

Me: But I don’t understand how during info-channeling I can NOT be focusing on the data when I’m the one communicating it. I can’t help but find it interesting and have all kinds of thoughts and questions as it comes across.

PO: Attachment constantly modifies the process. When you are least attached to the information you are most willing to not only perceive it as it truly is {during this I had this flash-memory of a moment in ‘Anna and the King’ movie where she tells the child, ‘Most people do not see the world as it is; they see it as they are.’} but to allow the information itself to go where and how it chooses within you and through you.

Me. Huh. I guess that kind of fits with how the more you just ‘accept without judgement’ information in RV things tend to go better.

I thought for awhile, wondering, what should I be asking? I put on Avril music rather loud at the kid’s request, which was a little distracting. I also started installing Illustrator software on her machine over at the side, then returned to focus on my laptop where I’m blogging this and re-considered the Private Oracle. What information is most important to my world right now?

Me: What do I most need to do or change, for the sake of best improving my viewing skill?

PO: Let go. {I had a total flash-remembrance of something the Narrator told me in what, January 1994. It’s in Bewilderness or I wouldn’t remember it at all. He said: In many lives you have refused to eat; you have refused to “receive” in various ways; sometimes this has been your physical death; you have an unwillingness to allow yourself vulnerability, and this lack of faith in yourself has hindered you.}

Me: That’s it? What the Narrator was saying, about vulnerability, allowing to receive?

PO: Yes.

Me: Can you give some specific suggestions for things that would help me do this better?

PO: The process of “doing” gradually helps, so more consistency would help. For you, consistency is much more important than it might be for some other people. {I remember that Inner Guide (IG) told me that too, about meditating with her: ‘Consistency is more important than frequency.’}

Pink is yelling and the kid is singing with her, which keeps distracting me as I want to sing along. You know I bet most people don’t have to do metaphysics around a 12 year old and pop-rock.

Me: Are there any meditations or something that might help?

PO: The work you do with your guides as you call them, and your IG, is helping in ways that would contribute to your viewing — if you were doing more of it.

Me: More viewing, or more meditating?

PO: Both.

Me: What is my biggest problem in viewing?

PO: Failure, and your response — and pre-response — to that event or possibility.

Me: Why must failure be involved? Why can’t I just be consistently good at it?

PO: That answer is a bit complex for this conversation and setting. Suffice to say it is involved, so you need to learn to deal with it. Remember the attachment issue. Ego, attachment, and fear, are all tied together here. Reducing any of the three will help with the others.

I took a break for awhile to sing with Pink and the kid. Most girls want a man with the bling-bling, got my own thing got the ching-ching, I just want real love. Most girls want a man with the mean green. Don’t wanna dance if it can’t be everything that I dream of, a man that understands real love. OK nobody ever said our music is deep or anything, but it’s fun.

Then I wondered if I chose to take a break when the conversation got uncomfortable for me. Remote Viewing is pretty much the worst possible hobby for a control freak, since it requires the polar opposite state of mind. If it wasn’t for whatever the hell it is inside me that I feel like I’m in love with, have a huge crush on, that ‘feeds a part of me’ that has no other source, it’s hard to imagine I’d have been obsessed with RV from the moment I heard of it on Halloween day 1995.

I’ll come back to the Private Oracle another time. Weirdly enough, there is no weirdness about this for me. I mean unlike Guides which are… well it’s just an odd experience for me and I tend to have resistance… unlike IG, who is awesome and “always with me” but I am not always able to hear her… this ’source of information’ for lack of a better description, is fully clear, albeit of course it’s ‘inside me’ just like anything else internally communicating with me is.

My sense of “highly present to the front right” receded after a few minutes of conversation and now I don’t have any particular sense of presence.

PJ

I can’t believe I didn’t think of this before. Me, of all people!

So the other night I was meditating–I can’t even remember on what. I’m sure it was very worthwhile but I forgot to blog it so it’s gone–and during the meditation I had a sudden ‘twinge’ in my left foot.

Of course when you meditate you get all kinds of distracting body sensations, little pains, etc. But because I was at that moment pouring energy into an archetype (to no particular effect), without thinking much about it, I shifted and for a few moments, was pouring the same kind of energy-intent into my foot where it had the painful little twinge. And I got a *major* rush, body-wide.

I was astonished. It made me realize that when we are meditating on something, body stuff isn’t just a ‘distraction’ — it’s energy acting-out, it’s communication or at least warning sparks — and THAT is exactly where to focus. I mean, that’s what pain is about: saying, “pay attention to me!” And all this time I’ve been taking this no-mind meditation approach toward it — rather than the active-meditation format I actually use — I’d been working to ignore that kind of thing.

Once I realized that my body could talk to me and that energy with my body was as much a part of the meditation as the other things, that seemed to come and go for awhile, as if my body was as delighted as I was that I had learned a few simple words of its language.

This should have been obvious. I don’t know why I had to discover it by accident. But it’s a fabulous insight!

PJ

I was observing with interest what was called “social algebra”. It was the math that created experiential reality. The way in which one’s inside in turn arranged their outside, both of which equally “were” the person, but the left-half of the equation, or the ‘in-side’, was what determined the right-half or the ‘out-side’, because it always had to balance.

I understood this related to recent meditation work done (myPsiche), which related to a person as an energy-construct. And, that this had come up because in working on writing out a more intelligible outline of some things, I had referred to a person as a ‘formula/geometry’.

In writing, it had been only a mental model. Now it was quite literal. But what it showed me was that my concepts had not been exactly correct; I had some base models that were inaccurate.

***

Everything in reality was geometry woven into a math problem, like an algebra equation. This operated on every level (macro and micro) but I was focused on the measure of “a person”.

A person, both as a ‘core-energy-construct’ and their “reality (body and experience)” also as its own ‘energy construct’, were a formula: those were the two halves of the algebra equation which made up the larger “person as they are in this life” which was basically an equation of core-energy + reality-experience.

The formulas could have many, many different things in them, and instead of numbers and letters, these ‘things’ were like events, people, situations, environments, objects, relationships. Each of those things had their own value/weight.

Some of these things had their own ‘groupings’ (like parenthesis), had things that changed their weight (like divisors or multipliers), or had something that fluctuated in its weight ‘within that context’ (like variables).

The ‘energy-construct’ which ‘was’ a person, had a certain… you might call it ’sum-total value’ or ‘weight’ to it.

In writing earlier in the day, I had been talking about how we don’t just create our larger reality as some side-effect of a distant nebulous belief system pattern, but rather, that our larger reality (our body, our events and situations, etc.) WAS our energy very literally: one source.

I had referred to the overall energy as “a shared file”: that our core energy ‘was’ our body, ‘was’ the events, etc. as if there was no separation of these things at all.

This was corrective; it was saying that YES, all the energy that made up a person’s experiential reality (including their body) indeed ‘was’ the person quite literally. BUT, that it wasn’t just like, a person held Energy-A and that also ‘formed’ for them, relationship A, event A, body element A (that the outer reality was ‘composed from’ A, literally, and so was the same). As if, you could not experience A unless you held it.

It wasn’t quite that … singular or specific. Yes, “A” would determine ‘what was on the other side of the equation’, but it determined it in overall weight, NOT in detail.

So it was more like: the person held Energy-A, which had a certain overall value/weight to it. That was on one side of the equation (the ‘inside’ as opposed to the ‘left’ side in math).

But then, from the sum total of possible energy, which is also-them because they-are-everything, they chose a combination of energy to ‘balance’ A, for the other side of the equation (the ‘outside’; body/reality). So they might choose X, Y and Z for that ‘balance’.

Yes, XYZ is indeed a part of them, but they are ‘arbitrary’ parts. They could be changed, without the overall weight of the equation changing; different things could be substituted for them. As long as the overall equation balanced.

***

Separately, secondarily, the more important ‘corrective’ concept was that, it wasn’t that a person was a certain group of energy, and everything-else in the universe was not-them. That was how I had been thinking of it previously.

It was that all persons are inherently everything; all that energy; literally, “all numbers are infinite”.

But they choose to ‘hold onto’ (”pay attention to”) “being a certain group of energy”. Yes, this is similar in end-result of course, but not quite the same thing at root.

And they ‘created’–and it was indeed creativity at work here–the ‘balancing half’ of the equation” [their body/outer-reality] out of “the rest of them” (the larger ‘everything’ of energy).

I saw that this is the difference between different lives. One might have a very similar ‘core constructive’ weight-of-equation on the left/inside in multiple lives, but the right-side ‘creative combination’ of body/experience that balanced it out, could vary radically.

Almost as if one were exploring “every possible variant equation of being X”.

So yes, it’s true that both sides of the equation were ‘composed of them’–literally. But you might say, there were two halves in a way; one was a core-energy construct they had chosen to ‘hold’; the other was ‘the perfect mate’–the right-half of the equation, in this case being the body/reality, the ‘experience’ of the person in a space/time model.

***

I had been thinking of it as if a person held energy A, and as a result, things also constructed of energy A were in their reality. If you let go of A, those things in reality had to vanish because they were ‘composed of’ that same energy. Or if you wanted Q in your reality, you had to ‘add’ that energy. Or whatever; in any case, I had a direct “value inside = value outside” model on it.

This was showing me that the fundamental of that idea was correct (in terms of, “there is a balance, and what you hold inside in terms of energetic patterns, geometries, is what determines what you experience outside”). But the detail of that idea was incorrect (in terms of, “the experience does not have to be A; it merely needs to be equal to A”).

Because there is really no such thing as A and Q, you understand; those are “creative variations in form/dynamics” which is the surface of our reality; A and Q at root are just geometries.

In other words one could, if they decided to, replace the exterior-experience “A” with say, Q and a small portion of L as multiplied by C, and some R divided by W. As long as that combination had the equivalent weight. So even though the person still held the energy-of-A, they could change their outer reality. A did not have to equal A, because A is, at base, a number or shape, and so if you looked at the weight of the energy, you saw that there were a variety of creative ways you could combine energy to ‘balance/equal’ A.

A person could ‘let go of’ a certain energy like R as part of their core construct, yet still have R in their experiential reality, because R-mitigated-by-something-else was the equivalent of A, which they still did hold, and they had increased their N to compensate, keeping R.

It occurred to me that maybe this is partly why a person can ‘deal with’ problem energies in their life, and improve, yet not improve in the one area that they were rather hoping they would as a result. Because it isn’t just about the energy but about the creative choices for how that energy manifests.

So the ‘detail’ of what composed “the formula of outer reality” was in fact flexible, not just by modifying the core-energy-construct which was the primary side of the equation, but by “creatively arranging” the energies which were the “experiential reality” side of the equation.

I was observing how in every area of a person’s life, the formula of a person had to be put together so they were ‘balanced’, like in algebr
a how the two sides of the formula match. Both sides of the formula WERE the person; literally, not just figuratively.

I’m trying to think of an analogy for this. I’m really not a math nut so this is tough! Let’s see. If I use ‘time’ instead of objects/money, maybe I can example it.

Let’s say that a person chooses how much non-working time they have in their life. (We choose our jobs, our second-jobs, our free-work, etc. and end up with X hours ‘non-working-time’ for the left side of the equation.) This spare time ‘composes’ what we are measuring here.

Now for that spare time, we “creatively choose” how to fill it (its balance). We can fill it with people and relationships, with events and situations, with hobbies (arts and skills), with chores (we choose whether we clean and mow vs. whether we ignore it or hire someone so we have the time), or we can sit around staring at the TV or meditating or whatever we choose to do.

The point is that we have a “core value” of time, but what we balance that with what fills it. That can be radically different from person to person, but in the end it is always a ‘value balance’. It is all the person’s choice, and it is all the person’s life; the overall ‘person+experience’. The core issue is how much non-working time (energy) they choose to hold. But the balance is whatever they choose to equal that.

***

So then, as a third thing, I was observing the interchangeability of the elements of the formula or equation. Everything at a lower level was a geometry, but it was curious how what this meant was that “everything was equal” in a way — not the same, but equal.

What is worth more, a square or a triangle? Well, neither. They are not the same, but they inherently have no greater value than one another. However they have a different formula, different geometry, different ratio, so you might say they have a different weight; and one would fit better into some spaces than the other, as a creative issue or a matter of convenience.

In this vision, everything was a geometry, which meant that a person, a relationship, an event, a situation, all of these were “mix and match”-able as a result.

You could take the energy of a person who exists in your reality but you have little relationship with but find attractive (say a neighbor) and, if it were of equal ‘weight’ for the equation-of-you, you could replace that with “a better relationship with your cat” or something.

I saw that these variations happen in our lives constantly and we see no surface relationship to them so we don’t realize what is going on.

You could take a relationship that is, say, “a lack of money,” and you could replace that with a combination of situations happening every-so-often that have some different element (let us say perhaps an emotional feeling of being less qualified than someone else in your work, or less socially cool than someone, or less loved by your dad than your sister, you get the idea).

You could take a physical thing like your nice new car, and you could replace that with a lesser car, some really fun events, and a new friend.

I might add there was a clear sense of the ‘positive/negative’ and ‘lack-of/abundance-of’ kind of energies being “recognizeable” in the different elements. Almost like positive and negative integers. Or like the ratio in geometry, where the ‘angle’ of different shapes varies and so one might tend to choose something “more triangular” to match a certain energy or weight.

You could take a situation that is powerfully negative (say, an abusive mate or boss), and replace that with chronic or recurring pain or illness. So you’d have a good job and loving wife but a bum knee. The energy has “infinite variation in form in dynamic”. That part is totally creative.

In other words it’s not like, “If you want your abusive boss to vanish from your life, the energy which matches or IS that value must vanish from you.” Curiously and to my surprise it wasn’t like this. One could in fact maintain the same energy if they chose, but change the arrangement, inclusions, of the other side of the equation.

On one hand this was good news, because it meant that even without some profound inner change, one could in theory change a given element in their experiential reality.

On the other hand this was bad news, because it meant that even if you DID change some profound inner thing, one could in theory still have the same thing in their experiential reality they had hoped to change, because on some level the Being was choosing to keep that element in the equation and compensate by changing other things instead.

On the other hand (…I know, I’m out of hands), it might not be preferable to change a given thing in one’s “outer” reality without changing it on the inside, because the overall ‘weight’ of the life-energy would be the same; you would just be trading one issue for another, in a simplified sense.

***

In algebra an equation has to balance. There are no rules about the ‘unique values’ on each side, only about the ‘balancing’ of the overall weight/value of each side. So as a simplified example, the right half of your equation COULD say:

[(10 + 39 + 6 + [-20]) / 7] * 4

or, it could say

(([2+8] + [5*5]) / [2+3+2]) * [2+2]

And if you wanted to have more of 2 and 5 in your life and none of the -20, then you might create the latter as an alternative. Even if you had not changed the ‘core’ energy of the left-half of the equation, you could do this.

Of course, 39 might be the love of your life, and -20 your miserable job with the boss you hate, and you might end up with a so-so relationship and a so-so job as a result — like the “yin/yang” situation, it’s all a balance.

It isn’t a matter of specific detail, like A=A (so having A in your primary energy-construct means A on the outside experiential reality), it is instead a matter of overall result, like 10 is the same as 3+7 is the same as (21+[-11]), so if you’re holding 10 as a Being, you can choose what is in your ‘personality’ reality to equal that energy. Am I making sense?

***

So to recap, this was three related realizations:

1 – a person’s life in this reality was not a singular-energy ‘inside’ which was merely ‘perceived as if’ it were on the ‘outside’. That was over-simplistic. Rather, it was a combined ‘weight’ of geometry/energy inside which they ‘creatively matched’ with equivalent weight of geometry/energy on the outside. So yes the two were totally connected–the inside DID create the experience-of-outside–but they were not as literally-the-same-thing as I’d thought.

2 – it is not that a person is a chunk of energy and then there is everything-else in the universe. A person is by nature everything because ‘all numbers are infinite’. However they are
(a) “paying attention to holding/being” a certain ‘core construct of energy’ as a ‘Being’; and
(b) “creatively compiling a reality-experience” that ‘equals’ that core-construct as a ‘Personality’.
All of this energy is accessed-directly from the shared-file which is “everything” (one point in space/time, infinite potential). So in a larger sense everybody is everything, but there is definitely a smaller sense of what we choose to ‘be’ as a so-called ’soul’ and ‘explore’ as a personality ‘in this life’.

3 – everything we are capable of experiencing in/through this body-personality is a geometry and it is totally mix-match interchangeable. There are some recognizeable ’similarities’ in energy, as in positive/negative, as in ’some things are more triangular than others’ so to speak. But people, objects, environments, events, situations, relationships, etc. are all mer
ely geometries at base. Any one of those can equal all or a part of any other, and they can be combined with others, mitigated-by others, multiplied-by others, etc. in much the way that combining numbers or shapes can change the overall result.

***

One might ask, “why does this matter?” Well, it’s armchair philosophy of course.

But I’ve been wanting to better understand my reality experience, how it reflects me, how I can use inner-methods (meditation/ magick/ etc.) to modify this, how my experience defines me, and so on.

I’ve also wanted to better understand how to get certain focii into my life — such as ‘psi receptors and transducers’ in my body woken up and beginning to be neurally mapped, should such a thing exist (I think it does, though the idea came from Ingo Swann’s writings), to work on my remote viewing. Both these senses as part of my body, and remote viewing as an event and outcome, are part of my larger reality, so any structuring-of-self I want to do here, gets back to my philosophy about reality, my body, and how to “consciously evolve” in the ways I want.

I think it’s sometimes important that our left-brain have some kind of “mental model” for the things we are working on with “intuitive” efforts. It isn’t that our left-brain models are likely to be perfectly accurate, by any means. I think ‘the nature of reality’ is a little too complex to fit into anything our brains could come up with. But I think a philosophy that feels like a framework allows a person a sense of ‘grounding’ and so an ability to ‘reach out and stretch’ more, with less off-balance, insecurity or confusion. We create within that model until we outgrow it and get a new one. But having a model is important for psychological reasons.

I realize I brought all this on by a whole evening spent writing about a person as a fractal-formula so it’s my own fault. But it strikes me as hilarious that my brain found a way to truly model the infinite flexibility of reality and self as an algebra equation. Math phobics are probably going Noooooooooooooooooooo!

PJ

So far on this blog I’ve talked about a few different kinds of meditations, and a few different processes or elements. Archetype meditations are why I made the blog. There are ‘reality’ meds as I call them, that I once described. There are ‘body’ meds that I’ve mentioned. And ‘control center’ meds. I’m sure the limits are only to imagination but so far that’s about all I tend to. There is a whole separate element that comes into archetype meditations though, and sometimes in other areas. I’m calling it ‘dreamlings’.

Guides? Aeons? Composite Collections of Energy Assigned A Title?

The blog has (against my will) lately been filled with what I’ve called Guides but now that I better understand their nature, I will come up with some other name for them. They are really not anything like spirit guides and they are not ’separate counselors’.

I have a name that has spontaneously come to mind for me repeatedly but it doesn’t make any sense. So I think I need something different. It is “Aeons.” With that spelling. Not as a span of time, but not not-that either. The impression I get is: “a span of energy in singular form” which has time/space/identity/depth (all), but is combined into the singular, and so is a ‘thing’. I just don’t get how that word works here, even though it keeps spontaneously coming to mind when I think of the subject.

The occult field also has a leaning on that interesting letter combination — e.g. the New Aeon, the Aethyrs. This makes me want to NOT use any such word for them, in part to avoid that association and in part because it seems confusing. That’s what keeps popping into my head though. If they don’t give me something else I might just have to use that, although I suspect that sounds just as moronic as ‘guides’ but is even more obscure to readers.

Lucid Dreams and Not-dreams

As a child I was very fluent with dreaming. I was lucid most the time and could drop into that voluntarily. Although that diminished when I was around 18 (after reading a book on it, which mostly made me realize it wasn’t normal for everyone) it was still ‘often’, and in one period of my life I was lucid pretty much constantly–as if my body slept but never my mind–and I think I was a little nutso during that period frankly (see Bewilderness) but that eventually resolved.

I worked intensely with self-hypnosis for many years from teens to mid 20s, and got pretty well adapted to not only extremely deep trance states while maintaining lucidity, but being able to ask my mind questions and get answers about my state of mind–was I dreaming, awake, lucid dreaming, how deep was my trance state, was something I was experiencing an artifact of something else, etc.

During the Bewilderness era I began having a ‘new’ kind of dream–in fact, several new kinds–that felt different. WERE different. I hadn’t until then had any category besides ‘dream’, ‘lucid dream’, ‘trance’ [varying states] and ‘awake’. All the sudden there were these distinct new experiences, and they were each their own recognizeable category, but I didn’t have any words for that kind of experience. Nor had I ever heard other people talk about it. It’s really hard when you have a repeating experience but no mental model for it, no vocabulary for it.

Reading Jane Roberts (Seth) opened up my world back then, mostly because for the first time ever, it gave me an actual vocabulary and framework for many things I was already experiencing. I found that I remembered things better in that case; when you lack mental context, things just fall out of the memory, as if they are lost in some filing cabinet without a label or cross reference, so are unlikely to ever be found except by accident.

Sometimes, I felt like “I was in an alternate reality” plain and simple, but that it wasn’t a ‘dream’ in the standard sense. I would marvel over the differences between that reality and this one, such as for example, in one dream, Compuserve also existed there but the internet was rather different, and the structure I lived in was fairly normal but the walls were made out of a different material. The fact that it ‘felt’ normal–I knew I was ‘technically’ asleep and hence classified as dreaming, yet I ‘felt’ it was a real, normal world, just not the same one, but one I also lived in, and I could compare between the two.

Sometimes it felt like “Naw, this isn’t a dream, this is real” even though I was so lucid I knew I was asleep, knew I was in-theory dreaming, knew that the world I was in (which was constant at the time, like a second life) was not my ‘normal awake life’, knew I was there ‘all the time’ and yet it wasn’t my ‘real life’, and yet despite knowing all of that and being aware of it at the time, still my mind (which had until then been expert at reporting to me my state) would go, “Naw, this is real.”

The problem was, that world I found myself in all the time was (a) not this world, (b) very weird and (c) was dominantly blondes, fragiles and bugs as I called them then, until later when I discovered the UFOlogy field also knew these people called them Nordics, Greys and Mantis. I’ve seriously wondered why it is that my mind really thought “it was real” during those particular ‘dreams’ and not during all the other dreams of other nature. Why was it that particular ‘place’, my body/mind thought was ‘real’ just like ordinary life–but somewhere ‘else’?

Daydreams and OBE-dreams

Everybody daydreams. Seth was correct that our daydreams will show us our belief systems and default thought patterns. When I really pay attention to myself I find that a huge percentage of my thoughts need to just be dissolved and released because they are negative in some way. If I’m doing archetype work and I have “left unfinished” some meditation, my thoughts will be strongly affected by this–the ways vary but they are seldom pretty–until I resolve that.

I OBE’d from early childhood too. I think people who say lucid dreaming and out of body states are related might be right, simply because I had both of them so constantly and easily it seems easy to believe they are just two different points on a spectrum. In my theory “The Rainbow of Soul” I said I think we’re like white light that prisms into a rainbow of manifestation, with the physical body being ‘the red band’, the astral body being ‘the orange band’ and so on, and that “perception is the moving point.” In other words, the white light and the rainbow always exist. We can manifest/unmanifest from the red band (in bodies here, be born or die); that doesn’t change the larger collection of energy. But right now, as a rainbow, I can move my ‘attention’ from the red band (physical) to the orange band (astral) to the yellow band (mental) and I will have the “sense of self/sense-of”I” or identity” in all those states, and my own perception and experience while “there” — but in theory, my body didn’t go anywhere; nor did I just spring up an astral body on the spot; I always exist in all states, but my attention moves between them.

I very seldom OBE anymore. Sometimes if I am doing really altered state remote viewing I might slide into OBE or almost, just by over-dissociating. I consider this undesireable, solely because I think RV is about getting data in the red band, and OBE ‘level’ or gradient — the area of the orange band which one is focused within — is hard to control, to say the least… and the physical world can be very different depending on how far toward the orange we are.

Dreamlings

This is what I am calling the rather distinct “type” of “sudden spontaneous dreams” that occur like some kind of physics bubbles within my archetype meditations, although I am beginning to suspect they happen sometimes other as well. I have never paid enough attention to “how my mind works” to become awar
e of this until now. I’ve had the typical filter of “they all look alike to me” on basically “anything that happens in my head that I’m not doing on purpose.”

There are some pretty unique qualities to them.

1. They are sometimes very non-dreamlike, with only geometries, colors, dynamics.
2. When they are dreamlike they are often entire worlds with history/future–very complete dream-reality, not anything light like a daydream.
3. They arrive instantly when I am lucid, instantly expand like a bubble and I may find myself in the middle of something (usually, in fact, I am ‘in the middle of something’), and they collapse entirely and abruptly. Not like I leave; not like it ends; more like the whole ‘world’ of the dream literally just collapsed out of existence.
4. They may take a few seconds, but ‘the world of the dream’ may have quite a long time pass.
5. I am capable of becoming lucid in them and realizing everything about who I am and what I’m doing and that this is merely a ‘dreamling’ in the middle of a meditation. This is more prone to happen when the Angelics are helping me because their energy becomes part of the world and they are recognizeable to me for some reason (even if they look like a skyscraper or a normal person in the dreamworld).
6. I can consciously ask for these, fall into them, come back, turn around and go back into another, and go through lots and lots of them, in a really short period of time (although I swear experientially I am living hours, days, weeks ‘inside’ there, while it’s maybe 2 minutes here! — which has a rather odd sort of ‘exhaustive’ effect).
7. I’m not driving them. Not in the slightest, like with a daydream.
8. I’m not asleep. Like with a dream. Though it is true I have a tendency to “lose myself” into them which can lead to that.

The dreams are “things”. I think of them as “little” dreams for some reason even though they are not any kind of dream I have known before, I’m not asleep, etc. So I call them “Dreamlings”.

I have mentioned these before. Seeing the snippets in context might make more clear what I mean, so I’ll quote them here.

At one point I kind of ‘came to’ in the middle of this speech to the audience and realized, ‘Wait a minute! I’m in the middle of an archetype meditation, not giving a speech to sixty people in suits!’ but then IG thought at me, ‘Go with it. There are reasons why these kind of daydreams come to you when you’re meditating. It’s acting out energy that needs dealing with. Just remember when it’s over to resume where you were.’ I found that intriguing as up until now when spontaneous daydreams occur right in the middle of archmeds, I have considered them a distraction, a brain avoidance.

and:

I started abreacting. I would have a thought or start an arch-dream and my body would jerk violently in one place or another, mostly lower body. I could literally feel it this time, as if energy-which-is-also-information were trying to run through my nervous system, but blocks were “shunting it off” with muscle spams. It got more severe. At one point, I found myself in this arch-dream and I went, “Hey! Hey, I remember this now! This is where I was last night! This–” and an abreaction so severe that my entire body spasmed wildly hit me. I forgot everything except that last thought. But at least it made me realize that I didn’t just pass out in the middle of a thought last night; I was doing “something”, I just don’t remember what.

and:

I started getting better at that. At letting my mind “bloom out” into some other dimension of genuine mini-dream, which I was not driving at all, merely sitting in on (in some wonder sometimes), and when it was over I would find myself back at my anchor, which after awhile did pretty well at instantly reminding me of what the heck I was doing so I could get back to it.

I found that I needed to kind of create a thoughtform that had a couple basics, plus add the placement-visual like of the archetype, so I would instantly get three things: the idea of meditation, the idea of an archmed in specific, and the visual of the archetype I was in the middle of working with. They’d hit me all at the same time when the arch-dream ceased to exist and I would remember.

[...] I continued allowing the arch-dreams. The funny thing was that once I started getting the hang of really giving them some energy and allowance but not getting lost in them, they started coming really fast, lots of them.

Each world would fully collapse and another world would spring into being, as if each were literally a kind of physical round “bubble” in some way, but it was expanding into some other dimension that doesn’t exist in reality as I perceive it here.

The twins, the Angelics, were in most of them. Maybe all but I didn’t grok it a few times. But they were like, they were some identity in the arch-dream that fit in perfectly with its framework. I mean they just looked like persons or animals or even structures, but I recognized them, the twins, inside the arch-dream as being the Angelics back in my arch-med. That was interesting and it seemed to help keep me grounded. I think I did better with this because of their helping me, and because seeing them kept reminding me of what I was doing so I was less lost in each of the arch-dream worlds.

I felt as if I were in a constantly-changing universe, a chaotic Bangkok of the psychic realm, where my entire reality-structure radically altered within seconds, and completely unrelated worlds sprang into being, me finding myself in that world right in the middle of some kind of process or event, and then that whole world collapsed in on itself into nothingness again, like some kind of quantum experiment gone mad.

I don’t think I’ve ever done anything as experientially-complex as that in my life.

PJ

The other day I got a lecture. Literally it was like some part of my mind–which I now kind of recognize as having its own identity as a guide–just totally went off on me. Not in an angry or mean or bad way, just in a brutally honest, no-nonsense, not-putting-up-with-this-anymore kind of way.

I don’t know who it was (and I asked and there was utter silence, which nearly made me crack up, since it was hard to imagine anybody being willing to buy the wrath for it after). Basically the lecture amounted to this:

Grow up! Take responsibility. Quit acting like a drama-queen about the guides. You need to meet them and you don’t need to know the detail of why right now. Let it be enough that those you know and trust are telling you so. Accept your role and make the time and responsibility to address this part of yourself. It is not cute or interesting that you react with fear and avoidance, it is just immature. You’re better than that, so start acting like it. Make an effort and step up to yourself!

Ouch! Geez. Not subtle or indirect, at least.

Later, I had the feeling it was my mate (3rd of the 4), not a guide.

That was a couple days ago. I think I had enough ‘realization’ earlier today that I’m on the right track. I’ll be doing some more meditations shortly here.

PJ

Oh man. I just remembered a bunch of what I talked with Nedmund about last night and then had like epiphany after epiphany and weirdly, ended up back where I began, but with this gigantically larger, deeper understanding of everything that’s been going on with me internally for over a year now.

Heavy duty metaphysics.

This is another blog post I need to write but nobody needs to read because it’s going to be LONG I can just feel it. I just need to walk through the words and get it fleshed out through myself so I better understand.

***

Last night, Nedmund told me that he dealt with — this is hard to explain since it was a ‘feeling, intuitive understanding-transfer’ and not ‘words’ — he dealt with all the energies for me that are in the spectrum of ’sound’.

This fried my brain a little trying to comprehend it, immediately. I’d just never thought of any guide ‘dividing up reality’ that way.

Me: You mean… you mean that the whole ‘frequency bandwidth’ that I associate with sound, you as an identity basically… constitute my… relationship with that.

Nedmund: …basically. (I had the feeling he would have elaborated but I was not hearing very well and he didn’t think I’d get any of it if he tried.)

Me: That’s something I never even thought of.

I just sat quietly for a bit. This was a way of dividing up me and the universe I had not considered. So he was sound? What, was some other guide ’sight’ or ‘all things blue’ or ‘all things strawberry’ or… ??

Me: Is it possible that “bandwidths of frequency” that constitute OTHER physical senses, are managed–I feel it’s more accurate to say, ‘are summed up in, for me’–by a so-called “Guide”?

Nedmund: Yes.

I meant, like some guide relates to vision and another smell and another touch. There are nearly 20 documented human senses already and probably hundreds more subcategories within those not to mention a bazillion ’subtle’ senses that get into energy/psi-stuff. So… any of this energy spectrum can be cumulated as an ‘identity’ and interacted with, and I become more ‘aware’ of that part of myself when doing so. That is a much more… literal understanding than I had of guides before.

As for what they helped with, somehow, I had only considered ‘concepts’ before. Like guide-x might “help with a certain kind of relationships” for example. But this “implies” that guide-x is SEPARATE FROM both you, the other-thing, and the relationship, as if guide-x were an advisor of some kind.

But everything the guides tell me intuitively and literally, suggests that they are “quite literally the manifested energy OF all this”. That means the me, the thing, the relationship, and (I hadn’t thought until today) the senses, and the meaning-mapping for the brain, that is part of those things.

This is… different. I feel like I have to really THINK clearly to delineate this, as if normal levels of thinking are too course and fuzzy to get it, and I’m trying to ‘turn up the focus’ on the clarity of my mind.

***

I had never before considered that “a chunk of me + my-awareness-of + my-understanding-of + my-external reality” combined together could “be” an identity, a guide. I mean I I guess they keep telling me this but I never “got it” until now. And I still feel resistance and fuzziness about it. Now, that IS a little bit of how I understand archetypes. But guides seem like… more of “ME” whereas archetypes seem like more of “relationship between me and something else”.

I saw a concept, “identity” like a chessboard of black and white men, black and white squares, and I could be any of the men I chose, or the board, or a square, or the air, or any percentage or combination… it was totally irrelevant: all identity is just a game: it is an arbitrary collection of consciousness assigned a title: it is form, which is actually not-form, it is all actually Nothingness.

from ‘Bewilderness’

In my brain I’m so used to thinking of everything as ‘representative’–separate. If I say ‘the sun’ the words are merely representative of the-actual-thing-the-sun.

If I have an archetype of my relationship with sun, the arch is the manifestation of the actual energies that make up ‘our relationship’–which includes some of me and some of the sun quite literally but is dominantly the-relationship as a-thing.

But I had not thought of my guides in a way that fit with how they present themselves, that is kind of like archetypes except in a way more literal or perhaps more tied to the ‘manifested-being’ that includes every facet of my body, energy body, etc.

I had thought of them as overlapping with me, sharing energy. Mostly metaphysically. In fact I intuitively thought of it rather like I’d perceived me and the Four once, how all our chakras had merged and we had become ‘that tree-of-life thing, in 3-D’. I thought, “OK, it’s like the four of us comprise the human-spectrum of my universe” as that is what it seems with our relationships for various reasons.

So when they started introducing the guides, and it seemed almost like a geometry, a star-pattern, orbits-as-relationships, I thought that the Guides were probably other ‘chunks-of’, or other ‘aspects-of’, the universe. And actually I think this is so, it’s just very different than I had thought of it because my definition of “me” in that universe had been both far too separate, and far too small. I AM the universe, I think, is what is trying to get through my brain. It’s entirely possible that part of the planet Venus and part of a certain kind of jazz and part of things with an S-curve shape in them are all, actually, the SAME energy as is part of my elbow or my throat chakra.

(Semi-unrelated trivia I just thought of: I once had the distinct impression, years ago when I was experiencing things in this area, that Crowley upon death had deliberately and very literally become ‘part of’ a ton of identities. People who upon growing up, eventually were convinced they were ‘him’ in some previous life because, in effect, they all were. Just not ‘entirely’. So we all dream of being some little part of him or some era of him. We all have relationships with Rose and Israel or at least most of us, because of it. We are all drawn to his work and “recognize it within us” because it’s a tiny part of us. Once I understood that, I quit taking it so seriously. I no longer thought it had some profound meaning or that my current-life destiny needed to have any part of that. He is part of me like my elbow is part of me, and I like my elbow just fine and respect its place in my larger identity, but the decisions I make in this life belong to ME. He is a small welcome part of that, but I don’t need to become a flippin weirdo, a power hungry control freak, or a ceremonial magickian, to evolve; those were his choices, I’m drawn to them because of the part of him inside me, but they are not my choices. I explored a little of all of those and then continued on my own way.)

Back to shared-energy and guides: Identity-wise, it’s like ‘my liver’ as an identity is ‘my liver’, but “I” am also my liver (in part); that energy ‘overlaps’–the liver-identity and the PJ-identity both “share” it. But I had not thought of Guides as being, for example, the energy of the liver, or even something more huge like the frequency bandwidth we categorize as sound, ye gods I can’t even conceptualize what all that really means!–it overlaps with my body, but so much more.

I had thought of them as metaphysical, mostly. Like “Yea, and on some grand soul-level, there is more energy out there, and we both have part of it.”

But I blogged just earlier and was reminded as part of it that I met a guide that was literally the combined energy of ‘my eyes’. A GUIDE. A man. With an accent and personality of his own. A body-guide I called it and I relegated it t
o a completely different mental category than the guides I am meeting now. But he was basically the cumulative energy of a part of my body and he was a GUIDE, not an archetype.

I know. “Identity is an arbitrary collection of consciousness assigned a title.” Still! This is so brain-crunching.

***

Now the idea seems to be that as I become more consciously familiar with these ‘guides’, that as they are kind of part of me — important to realize, not limited to me, and existing in their own right, but “overlapping” enough in “shared energy” that it amounts to them also being “part of the larger me” — that I become more aware of, and cognizantly able to deal with, “my fuller self”. Or at least, parts of myself I didn’t have awareness of in the past.

I’ve been kind of thinking of this in woo-woo metaphysical terms. Not bodily terms. But the body is just one energy. The energy body is so many others. And there are sheaths of energy body that extend from us. And probably whole dimensions that extend within us as well, popping out like physics bubbles that manifest and collapse like the freakily-different spontaneous dream-lings inside archetype meditations. So if Guides can be ‘manifest of’ the energy that is also our body, then. . .

I think part of this realization is that they are not separate. My psi, my rapport with Ganymede, and — Jesus H. I just realized I actually have an ancient blog post called “My Liver Does RV.” Some part of me in a tiny thread of way actually got this a long time ago. That my body and my reality and my psi [and quite possibly even the thing I am being psychic about (this part, obviously, would change with the target)] are a spectrum of the same thing.

***

IG said this was what I really, truly wanted (the Guides) despite my panicked avoidance of the ‘awareness and introduction’. I recently read a lot of the Red Cairo and My Psiche blog histories (felt impelled to for some reason and I’m glad because there was so much I had forgotten), and the one thing that I see I have asked for repeatedly, and probably the only thing, is greater awareness, specifically greater psychic awareness. (Well ok and some related to my body/health/weight.)

So… I hadn’t put it in this context or model before, but… maybe psi really IS physiologically-based, MUCH more than we give it credit for being. Not because the information necessarily is but rather, because even if a ’sense’ exists in us, if we are oblivious to it, it’s useless.

And even when we’re aware of it, if we use it with the subtlety of a grizzy bear, then we’re not going to get very much from it at all or we’re likely to over-stereotype any data received from it (the ‘pieces’ of info are ‘too gross/large’ basically).

We only learned to see and hear and touch and taste and smell well because we grew up in a reality where we gradually were taught to perceive from those senses — but only to limited degrees. Everything that was “outside the boundaries” of what our parents considered “reality” we were indirectly taught to NOT see (not pay attention to) as we modeled them. Some things in life, whether it’s childhood or military combat or other unique threatening experiences, can open up our perception as a form of survival skill, either temporarily, or repeatedly enough to become habit. Even the existing senses (let alone many others that may “perceive and interpret and communicate to the brain, which then maps that energy to meaning”) can hugely increase in scope and intensity under the right conditions (combat conditions and smell for example).

I’ve written somewhere before — oh, in Bewilderness:

If you give a very young child a number of large colored beads and paste to make a picture with, you’ll end up with a picture where the colors and sizes of the beads are intermixed; mostly just a glob of sticky beads. The child thinks it’s a picture, but it doesn’t look like one. Give these materials to a slightly older child, and they will usually separate the beads and use the contrast of color and size as part of the picture. The difference is not only physical coordination, but that the older children have had more training in how to differentiate and categorize the data they perceive. In this case, color and size. Because most people in our society can see, hear, taste, touch, smell, we are able to (whether deliberately or merely by association) educate our children into sharing the same interpretation of their perception as everybody else, and categorizing what they perceive appropriately. Confusing or multiple streams of data eventually become linear, recognizable sequences, quite separate from each other. [...some data about people perceiving 'aliens and entities' and being considered crazy for it, and sometimes genuinely clearly having problems...] But the point I am trying to make here is that whether the perception being twisted is regular eyesight or “astral” communication, the problem may not be with the perception nor the validity of the thing perceived, but rather the interpretive abilities of the receiver.

I have been more than aware that my nervous system is involved in remote viewing. I can literally feel myself ’shunting energy off’ with physical abreactions at times. And feel parts of my body ‘reacting’ to data in some fashion.

Just in the last year with the guides I’ve started to feel the odd sense sometimes that something like interest or enthusiasm is “in” my body. It reminds me vaguely of when I first wanted to try squats (for weight lifting) and I was much heavier than I am now, and “my knees felt scared.” Not my mind ‘for’ my knees; the fear quite literally seemed to be IN the knees; that was just so weird. I’ve sometimes had fear I clearly felt in one or more areas of my torso. Well I’m starting to feel a little more of that ‘awareness’ over time, as if maybe it has always been that way, but my internal model of emotions doesn’t “allow” my knees to have them, so normally it would ‘assign it’ to some nebulous sense of “I” instead.

Or, rather like how my guides and I overlap and it’s “seamless” so I usually think it is “me” thinking or talking when really it is as-much-them, I just didn’t have my knees recognized as being their own identity of a sort. You almost have to have that concept before your brain can even conceptualize your knees feeling anything. Despite that even science will tell us that there is essentially “thoughts and feelings” — the physiological elements that make up those things — everywhere in the body, still we persist in thinking of all this as if they are all in some abstracted non-location. Not until I recognized that-part-of-myself as an-identity named Nero was I able to just sit down and have a conversation with it, send loving energy to it, etc.

A previous post from March 2008, “Psychic Pods” is where I explored, based on something I’d read in Ingo Swann’s work, the idea that I had ’sensory receptors’ for psi information inside me. It worked well enough to make me think there was something to it. I didn’t have any idea what these might be but the archetype was pretty ‘organic’ in nature. Suggesting something physical and not just ‘metaphysical’. Both McMoneagle and Swann have referred (in different ways) to psychic functioning being physiologically based. (And that obviously doesn’t mean one has to be healthy since JM has had endless medical issues stemming from his long duration as a combat soldier, and other things. It isn’t that general.)

Back in September 2008, “Taan and a Hostile Moment” is where I had this conversation (with Nero, about Taan):

Me: Well what’s he really do?
Nero: He deals with your perception of self in relation to the world. How your energy interacts with the larger world and how you perceive yourself as relat
ed to that world.
Me: I thought he worked with my body. I had the feeling like, what it looked like, sort of.
Nero: That amounts to the same thing.
Me: It does not! Those are two completely different things!

What if they are not two different things? What if the definition of “me” and the definition of “the parts of me that do sensing” and the definition of “the sensing” and the definition of “the meaning/translation of the sensing” — are, in fact, ALL basically just a rainbow-spectrum of the same thing? And so my body, and how it interacts, and how I perceive it interacting, are the same thing. It’s energy. It only looks physical to our 5-senses that are in the same vibrational frequency. There’s a larger spectrum of everything than what we perceive.

What if I’m not really separate from anything (whether it is ’sound’ or ‘psi-data-from-thingX-over-there’), but have just been physically and culturally geared to think of all this like a linear, multi-piece assembly-line of experience-in-separate-blocks, rather than just a ’spectrum’ which is in fact all part of ME?

You can’t control anything you consider separate from you. You have to ‘bring it into you’ and then you understand that the power and authority is yours. To the degree we consider ourselves separate from something we abandon our power over it. That’s why archetype work is so powerful; when we accept it enough to really properly merge, we lose the ’separation’ which is generally what is causing problems in our bodies, realities, etc.

***

I don’t feel like I’m articulating this right. Let me try again with something simple and physical.

Let’s say there is me. And there is… my guitar. And there is how I perceive the guitar, which relies both on physical senses, and on brain-mapping to interpret those senses. And there is how I play the guitar, and write songs on it, which call in all kinds of other slightly different areas, relating to everything from senses to creativity to physiology. And there is guitar as an archetype, music at large and as an archetype, on and on. Well I think of “me” as thing-1, the “guitar” as thing-2, my “physical senses” as thing-3, my “brain-mapping-of-senses” as thing-4, my “creative-interaction-with” it as thing-5, and there’s like a dozen other steps in here (things6-18) that I’m leaving out that are more subtle (or I am insufficiently caffeinated to think of them).

Now let’s say I pray to learn to better play, understand, whatever, my guitar. And along comes a guide who says they are here to help me better deal with this area.

I have been thinking of the guide as like, thing-19. An addition provided for me like a counselor or coach. They were ‘part of me’ in some cosmic sense like “I’m this huge invisible entity, and PJ’s-body is just one teeeeny little speck in that, and they are part of some other, nebulously- abstracted- elsewhere-, part of the larger me, which can help.”

But maybe the guide IS “the arbitrary collection of consciousness assigned a title” — LITERALLY, “the combination of Things 1-18.” Not just figuratively. Not representationally. But, like archetypes, that literal THING. Ignore that it seems like the guitar is there and I’m here so nothing could be both. We are nothing but energy, there is no time and no space, there is only that energy having a relationship with itself in some geometric pattern that makes it seem like it’s a wooden object over there and I’m an organic object over here but really it’s all just energy in one point of space and one point of time; reality is about ‘relationships’.

Maybe the guide’s name is allegedly Peter and he looks like a surfer dude and god-only-knows why, but the fact remains that he is not just overlapping with me/my energy in some abstract metaphysical way… he is literally, like an archetype but different, the SINGULAR-MANIFESTATION of that arbitrary-collection-of-consciousness (energy).

Jesus. Maybe I am really just the liver duct of someone way larger. HAHAHA.

***

I wouldn’t have seen this if I hadn’t written the long post earlier. It set up my brain in some respects and then after that I happened to be inspired to give someone a link to a page of Ingo quotes I collected and I reread them while I was at it.

He was talking about the “sensory receptors” as well as “sensory mapping”. He’s not necessarily talking about the 5 senses here, or even the nearly-20 or hundreds by other measures, but about whatever actual ’sensory perceptors’ allow psychic functioning (which may be those, or others, or some combination, who knows). Here’s a few quotes:

# The remote-viewing discovery work uncovered very delicate sense receptors which, when properly transduced into accurate intellect meaning resulted in controlled remote viewing. Thus, if perhaps not exactly so, the discoveries of the delicate sense receptors and proper sensory transducers must closely resemble the knowledge of the ancient Yogins and their concepts of the distant-seeing sidhi.

# Largely speaking, even the basic five senses are useless unless their sensory inputs are mitigated and analyzed by the intellect or some other analyzing part of the biomind — after which a great deal seems to depend on the loads of information accumulated and actively contained in the intellect at the individual level and via which the sensory inputs are analyzed. . . The meaning here is that one’s sensory receptors may indeed be receiving certain kinds of signals. But if one’s intellect is not prepared to deal with their information loads, then the signals will remain invisible — at least to one’s non-sensitized, unaware cognitive intellect.

# [T]he thoughts one experiences are the end-products of the processes that produce them, and few are ever really aware of those processes. It is quite probable that the products of one’s thinking processes are based exclusively in whatever sensory transducers have been formatted — or NOT been formatted. The processes are therefore invisible and, usually intangible.

# [It] has often been deduced that people are trapped in the limits of their perceptions. But such is not actually the case. They are trapped within the sensory transducers which apparently produce the meanings which have been assigned to what they perceive — and then only if they perceive it and actually have assigned some kind of meaning to the perceptions.

# Beginning somewhere before the 1970s, various researchers began to understand that the not only the neural nets of the brain process information. It increasingly became understood that the neurological networks throughout the whole bio-body itself also process information. And since the 1970s it has become understood that certain kinds of information are processed at the cellular level throughout the surface and internal organs of the bio-body.

# [Our] mental information processing grids must have information points consisting not only of sensory transducers, but also consisting of meaning transducers. If it is a case of becoming aware of gross and subtle signals, then appropriate meaning transducers must be established to cope with both kinds. And it must follow that the lack of such meaning transducers will leave what might be called “experiential holes or pits” in one’s mental information processing grids. I prefer to call these “meaning defaults,” though. . . . It is meaning which governs our understanding. . . . And meaning defaults will “mean” that we will not know or understand what has been experienced — or we will either not experience it or perhaps know that we have.

# If we think only in terms of senses and/or sensing systems, then in very subtle ways we may be distinguishing between them and ourselves. It is true that we do “have” or “possess” senses and sensing systems. But something else is also true, and it is very important that it should be grasped. We ARE our sensing systems. And what we call ”
WE” or “US” or “SELF” is in some full part neither no more nor no less than our sensing systems are acknowledged, developed, and utilized.
– Ingo Swann

I think the part that finally broke through my puny little mind was the idea that the sensing systems are as much “us” as anything else. I have often myself said that I think our bodies are as much spiritually us as anything else–we do not inhabit a shell (this is not a prison!), we “continually re-manifest an interface”. That the energy of my knees is just as spiritual and specific as the energy of my heart chakra. (So, if I am fat, I am recreating this constantly; figuring out why or how to stop doing that, would result in a change in my physical experience.)

I thought of Nedmund talking about frequencies of sound and him being the guide for that, which almost cracked me trying to understand;
Then I remembered Nero suggesting that my actual body AND how I felt about myself related to others “were the same thing”;
Then I remembered the meditation of the “psychic pods inside me” and the idea of those being psi-based sensory receptors but they were physical;
and then it all just hit me in a blinding flash that THIS IS WHY the Guides.

This is what they ARE: a vastly greater ‘extension’ of my fuller ’self’ — and more — that I’ll need to have rapport with in order to more effectively deal with psi.

So they aren’t just me in metaphysical terms. They aren’t just me in some cosmic star-pattern of greater identity (although it really does amount to that, it’s much more literal and personal and physical and immediate). My projecting them into metaphysics is the equivalent of people projecting God into some guy on a cloud who is really nice as long as you don’t piss him off and he’ll give you a harp later if you do everything right. In short: it’s a separation philosophy.

I should have realized how opposite that was. Everything they have been and even the Four are, is an INTEGRATION philosophy. They aren’t introducing me to something new and different and elsewhere. They are introducing me to parts of MYSELF. They are the parts of me that I need to develop a relationship with because that’s what I’ve been praying for: to be aware, to perceive, to interpret/translate. And as for appearing to be people and fairies and horses or whatever, I don’t have an answer for this, except that (a) for all I know in some reality they really are, and (b) the whole point of a ‘Guide’ at all is for a RELATIONSHIP. So, somehow, it must relate.

“Personalization” as I’ve written about before. I cannot have a ‘relationship’ with some abstracted sense of nervous system components affected by a certain frequency of energy that is not perceivable to me consciously, which might literally be an element of psychic perception. Seriously! How obscure is that! But if all of that combines itself and shows up and says his name is Fred, THAT, I can have a ‘relationship’ with.

There could be literally infinite numbers of ‘guides’. It’s not like there are just me with ‘The Four’ and then some multiplication of that. I mean that IS real, but it’s an “arbitrary division/compilation of consciousness” — so other groupings, divisions, exist. (I knew that; I sensed that in an experience 14 years ago.) Everything exists. Everything is me but I am infinite.

It’s not that they are more me than anything else (other guides) could be, so much as that they are more the parts of me that I have consciously chosen to become aware of and hence ‘learn to better perceive/live through’ — because I specifically have wanted my primary development to be related to remote viewing (and, also but less often requested, related to my body and making it thinner so I’m not too shy or unable to to do many of the things I’d like to in life). Humorously, it may turn out that my desire for conscious psi functioning and my desire for improving my body have some overlap somewhere.

In fact now that I think about it, The Senior — the Four — brought them to me just after I had a very serious talk with them about Remote Viewing and said, in essence, I have paid my dues, I am READY, I deserve this, it is MINE, make it so! I never really grokked the two events as being related.

I just thought… I thought that we were going along just fine together and I was really happy about it, and then one day out of the blue I felt threatened to my very core-identity because all the sudden there were all these other people there that the others of the Four thought I should be getting to know. I didn’t know them and didn’t WANT to know them. Except now I see that they were me, and IG was right: this is exactly what I wanted to know, to learn, to do, to understand, to interact with.

In short, I prayed for an answer, and got “exactly what I asked for but not what I wanted.” Hahaha.

So taking each day to “hold the hands of, concentrate on, imagine sharing energy with,” each of my guides, is like attempting to wake up, clean off, sensitize, become aware of, and learn to interpret from, everything that relates to information in a certain range/block/category that guide is manifest-of.

***

Many of these… things, areas, whatever, I am so oblivious even to the existence to, that I could not possibly even ask for them consciously; my mind may not even be able to conceptualize (thanks to cultural conditioning and language limitations) how some things really work, or why, etc. The Guides are a ‘conglomerate’ of energy though — just like I am — they are complex and autonomous in their own right; and they contain, understand, are-OF, “pieces of the spectrum of me”, “pieces of the spectrum of the universe”.

Now to go back to the original concept I had for them: that they were essentially further, larger divisions of ‘me’ and ‘my universe’. Like the Four are, combined, the human part of the universe (you could model this like the Tree of Life in QBL [Cabala] and its sephiroth); the larger number are, combined, a broader part of the universe. Different aspects of it, different ‘ways of dividing and experiencing’ it.

Nedmund is about ’sound’. Taan is about ‘my body’. But they’re not just abstracts or counselors. They are the named-identity comprised of the energies of thing-itself, both as it IS, as it is experienced, as it perceives being experienced, as it interacts as part of experience, because all of these things, from a larger perspective, are the same thing.

It’s all just a spectrum of energy of the same thing. We choose to look at white light, and it inherently contains a rainbow of something, and all we see is red and green and purple of that rainbow, so we think it’s totally separate things. We don’t grok that not only is it ‘all one’, all part of a spectrum, but that the spectrum itself is part of an even greater one-ness.

I’ve said before that: The definition of God is I AM. Of the so-called Devil is WE ARE LEGION. Evolution is toward ‘Singularity’. Consciousness is an organizing principle. Spiritual growth is like any other growth: you absorb into you what was already you but unrecognized, and you become aware of it, and via love (sympathetic rapport) and will (directed intent) that energy becomes part of your singular sense of identity.

And eventually you’re not just a cell you’re flesh and then you’re not just flesh you’re a liver and then you’re not just a liver you’re a torso and then you’re not just a torso you’re a whole person and then you’re not just a person you’re … you’re a Four, or a neighborhood or city, and then you’re not just a city you’re a continent, and then you’re not just a continent you are Gaia, and then you’re not just Gaia you are the Galaxy, and then you’re not just the Galaxy you’re the Universe… And then you hit the ‘reset, game over’ button and start again as an atom inside the molecule inside the liver of some woman in the Milky W
ay on Earth in North America in the midwest. Except I’ve only exampled the physical human spectrum which is just one of an infinite number of ways-of-combining consciousness.

The problem isn’t that my perception is limited to that of being a human being. It’s that my definition of what a human being ‘is’, is so profoundly limited, that even remote viewing makes me feel like some totally alien ‘creature’ that other humans could not possibly understand. The range of a human is utterly vast and diverse compared to what we know of it. I don’t know anything but the most trivial, shallow, sliver of myself. When I encounter any aspect of who I really am, it feels alien; separate from the me-I-know-to-define-as-human.

My psychic perception is profoundly limited by the fact that I am oblivious to the physical senses and semi-physical [energy body] senses and maybe other senses I have even to DO the perceiving in the first place. Even if they work fine, I’m as oblivious to them as senses as I am deaf and blind sometimes to people in my inner world trying to talk to me.

And even if I were aware of the senses and the pure energy (information) they perceive, I still need to end up with a brain-mapping that lets me transfer that perceptual sense into meaning that I can communicate.

I want to view, I want to ‘wake up and get to know’ the parts of me necessary for doing this well, and it just so happens that they are a whole spectrum of “self” that I have considered myself separate from, not known, not wanted to know, been afraid to know because it took me out of my comfortable little ‘box’ that my reality fit in. I think that’s why I’ve reacted with such strong fear to guides so far. It isn’t that I feared them, it’s that I feared myself.

I have a safe little boxed identity and expanding to include them wipes out that identity and builds a new one big enough to include them too. So of course the “I” am always afraid; the I is “ego” defending the territory of “identity”. That’s it’s job, it’s good at it, and there’s a good reason for it to exist. But sometimes that just has to be set aside enough to make a substantial change.

***

Me: Nero?

Nero: I’m here.

Me: Why… why didn’t you guys make this clear to me sooner, so I wouldn’t fight it so much?

Nero: You have a lot of resistance. It took a substantial amount of our energy to weigh against that. A certain number of us needed to be present in your awareness. That’s why IG has been forcing the introductions.

Me: And what do you work with me on again? (I felt myself ‘resisting’ and ‘blocking’ in the lower right of my torso. I can’t explain how/why I felt it there but I knew I wouldn’t be able to “hear” him if he told me. I felt as if he ‘changed tactics’ upon us mutually realizing this.)

Nero: Maybe some things you would not be able to easily understand even if you were told, even if you had internal concepts that allowed it to be told, and a language base that allowed you to translate it. That is why your guides are identities you can have relationships with on your own terms. Sometimes, they have much energy you will not understand, that you have no model for, or not exactly. In those cases, maybe you see a faery instead of a human, or a horse.

Me: Ohhhhhhhh! {Thinking} So maybe you are a manager of sorts, that I met you first, perceive you most clearly, love you most, and you seem to know a lot about this.

Nero: The way you model things, makes you want me to be that; a sense of authority; something in a pattern of heirarchy.

(I had the sense, not spoken, that if I wanted an authority or manager identity for Guides, I should be looking to Inner Guide or the Senior for that.)

Me: Is it ok that I love you unreasonably for something only in my head?

Nero: {smiling} It’s fine.

Me: Can I learn to love all my other guides that much?

Nero: Yes.

I just sat here thinking for awhile, kinda spaced out.

So the guides really ARE, as I first envisioned, “pieces of the universe-which-is-me”; as if I had arbitrarily divided the universe of energy into a puzzle and they were each a piece.

But they are NOT, as I was modeling it, some distant, abstracted, metaphysical thing. They are of my body and my energy body as much as they are of the energies of my reality and my world as much as they are of the energies of astral, mental, and other ‘psychic’ realms, as much as there are of things I don’t even understand.

And, specifically since that was my request, they deal with (a) all the parts of me [including physiological senses] involved in conscious psychic functioning (and how all this interacts with my reality), and (b) the parts of me related to my body (and how all this interacts with my reality).

When I set out to meditate on stuff related to psi sometimes and to tell The Four that I wanted remote viewing as my focus and skill, I guess this is in fact exactly what I needed. It’s a great gift. Confusing, a little weird, kind of embarrassing to talk about, but the genuine and powerful expansion of self, or evolution, I wanted.

So it’s definitely time to get more proactive about my guides and our relationship.

PJ

For some reason, I think to kind of review and make it clear to myself as well as to anybody else, I feel like talking about the overall structure, environment, of my “inner world.” And whatever the people are all over the plateau. And a new introduction to a guide loosely called “Nedmund” because I couldn’t really get any closer to a name than that. This will be boring to anybody else, I’m writing it for me, so don’t feel any kind of impelled to read this one lol.

The Sacred Space

When I first ‘go to meditate’, I ‘unroll an inner world’ that I imagine is kept stored in a microdot in my heart chakra. My ’sacred space’ as I was taught to call it. Unlike most people’s warm safe shady garden-like area, mine is a high plateau of stone, warm enough from a desert-like environ, but arid and windy up that high.

It’s curious to me this is what I was most attracted to. There is nothing in my life experience along these lines, short of maybe a couple visits to the Southwest, which didn’t make much impression on me besides the Grand Canyon being rather amazing.

I have often dreamed about being on Mars, in an environment a little like this in a way, except among ‘ruins’ of some kind. In the dreams, it feels like the ultimate ‘longing for home’, and things just impossibly big in some way, but everything there is millions of years of dead, creating a “lonely homesickness” inside me that is physically palpable.

I’ve had a lot of other dreams related to Mars that are just odd, from ‘programmed dreams’ of earth people having a future there (having been rescued by aliens :-)) to what you might call ordinary or metaphysical dreams that just touch on the concept (me and a certain friend [who is insanely psychic] are sometimes in dreams together about it, often with funny symbolisms like ‘red tickets’ to Mars and a lot of intrigue).

I feel very safe in this space. Nothing can come at me from anywhere really, but the sky, which feels pretty improbable and I’d see it coming. It’s like a small space but totally open for my 360 degree vision around me. Kind of like the ultimate ‘keep’-effect perhaps; my moat is over a thousand feet deep and wide is all. I won’t sit in restaurants with my back to an open space — I’m just not comfortable, I want my back to a wall — so maybe this is some suppressed paranoia effect. Anyway, when I built the space that felt safest to me 20 years or so ago, that’s how it ended up.

This environment, like everything else in my inner world, is subject to change, both deliberately and seemingly autonomously, and a little of both. (’Imaginal’ is what that ‘combination of both autonomous- and intentional- is called. Not imagination, but that + a totally separate-from-you thing that combines for some third-realm. I consider most of archetype work to be “imaginal” in that definition.)

The Plateau

When I roll out the inner world, I am sitting or standing (in whatever manner I am physically) on my plateau. The ground is rock with a thin layer of a sort of dirt that is just the powdered crumb of rock, reddish-brown. I actually found a picture by accident one day that so reminded me of my “sacred space” that I bought it and made it the background for my first esoteria blog, Red Cairo. In this picture, the place where I am centered/appear, is about in the middle of the block of plateaus near the middle-left of the pic, the part where they seem to kind of join together more. Off to the rear of that group (the continuance of the cliffs) is where things develop for me in that outer-world–the plateaus kind of grow to just be a flattop area.

In the right of the picture, “the rest of the world”, my back is to that when I appear. I’ve never explored any of that.

To the left of the picture, that is what I’m facing, the area I go into to find my ‘cave’ and through that, yet-another world that is my ‘Archetype’/Inner-Guide area. That is like a ‘valley’ of sorts that I look down into from my plateau. On the far side of the valley, the cliffs change to mountains.

I got this picture from Fotolia, which I recommend as a fabulous and affordable stock photo site, but I lost the artist/copyright name and haven’t been able to find it even on their website to add it. It was titled, ‘Surface of the Fantastic Planet’.

I really like heights (which is odd, I know). It was almost surreal how much this fantasy picture looked like what I had visualized a decade prior, although more from the first-person ‘on top of those central plateaus’ perspective, and mine didn’t have all the ‘extra’ plateaus around (or the giant alien sun/moon lol).

Anyway, the plateau is a lot more extensive now. Originally it looked a lot like the picture. Just one of those high rock-plateaus. Eventually, over at the far right of it I found this giant ‘trench’ as if between plateaus or a break of sorts. On the other side of the trench, some ways off, I built a house. Deliberately, as part of a meditation exercise. It was two stories and had a huge front door.

Dor

I later recruited an energy-block I had found inside myself, turned it to MY side, seduced it by telling it that it could be a door instead of a wall and play BOTH roles, evolve, if it would work with me instead of against me. I named it Dor and used to have relationship with him. He was interesting and could “give me insight” that made me gape with astonishment, very impressive. He wanted energy as trade, which was ok with me.

One day The Four just ‘disconnected me’ from Dor, and made me take off the pendant I wore (that he’d requested and I’d had made as a physical anchor for his energy). They did not feel it was appropriate or allowed he hang out in me. Go figure. They didn’t even give me any argument room. It just “was”. Later I thought that perhaps it was not healthy or something and just needed to be done; he was an ‘internal attachment’, an entity created by other entities; not an innate part of me.

The House

Every day I would fly out to the house on the other side of the trench and sit on the couch and imagine talking to an ‘outer guide’ or two. It ’sort of’ went ok. I could not directly hear or see them, but if I “relaxed and allowed” I would get the “intuitive understanding” following anything I asked.

I used to do archmeds daily and when you are consistent with these, let alone if you do them in a slightly altered state, the results are something you just have to experience to even believe what’s possible. This work becomes a literal virtual reality, where the characters (and structures and environment) are “autonomous” and everything just surprises the shit out of you constantly and is amazing.

As time went on the house got busier. It looked like the Star Wars bar scene! All kinds of weird alienish, faeryish, creatureish, animalish, machineish, critters-people-things all over the place. My house was the hip hang-out for things even scifi has never dreamed of. The funny thing was that most of them didn’t pay any attention to me, it wasn’t like they were all there ‘for’ me or anything. Maybe the house was such an energy beacon it just attracted passing identities, who knows?

There really WAS a ‘bar’ at the far side of the house, and it functioned kind of like a saloon/hotel, with rooms upstairs and more. It was really pretty astounding after awhile, as if it was totally growing without even awareness on my part let alone anything intentional. I would just walk in and it was a little larger and had some new area, like a lucid dream but more… consistent.

All I know is that it was really, really amazing, and while the inner environ was constantly in flux, the overall environ was consistent and got “more real” all the time. All of this work is building t
houghtforms of course, so the more regularly and intensely you put energy into them, the more powerful they become.

Things changed and I didn’t meditate for a really long time. When I went back, the house was no longer vibrant, had a ‘black and white shades of grey’ old-photo feel and was forlornly empty and dusty when I went in. I wandered it and then sat alone and nearly cried. It was like going back to the house you grew up in and instead of your whole family-friends you expected, finding that everything and everybody had been wiped off the map and it’s a condemned shell in a ghost town. I vanished the house and ignored any ‘other possible areas’ of my plateau for years.

The Castle

Then one day, during a period when The Four and I were interacting a lot, I saw this building, down on another plateau separated and on the valley side. The plateau was tiny, literally the building took up the entire space on it and you had to fly to get to it. It was like a single-room of some ancient white marble-esque structure, open on all four sides, somehow both minimist and elegant while also being impossibly opulent.

It reminded me a lot of the paintings of [still looking for his name here] in some way, he has these white castles in the sky with surrealist stuff. It was as if THEY had put it there, NEAR my sacred space. I went down to it and inside it–and to my mind came an overlay from verse, #51 in chapter 1 of Liber al vel Legis that reads:

There are four gates to one palace; the floor of that palace is of silver and gold; lapis lazuli & jasper are there; and all rare scents; jasmine & rose, and the emblems of death. Let him enter in turn or at once the four gates; let him stand on the floor of the palace.

I’ve often wondered if this verse has some mild reference to ‘the Four’; if I could not merge and be all of them in our groupsoul, how could one enter ‘at once the four gates’? But maybe I’m just so desperate for any written-philosophy that matches my experiential-reality that I am stretching it a bit.

I went in and I don’t remember the meditation, but the next time I unrolled my inner space it had changed again, and radically. The ‘trench’ had vanished. The separate tiny plateau with castle-room had vanished. And over to my right there was now this huge walled garden that stretched out for eons, and I followed it until I reached the outer landscape of a castle in the distance. (The garden is not there now unless I request it. I had many experiences there but then it just went away.)

There is a really long, shallow pool that stretches probably about 1/8 of a mile from the garden [far right of me] to the castle proper. The bottom of it is a multi-colored stone mosaic in a ‘double helix’ DNA-looking pattern — 2 of 2; The Four. (I had never thought of DNA or genetics related to The Four until then.) I see it when I fly over it toward the castle.

The Tower

The castle is where ‘The Four’ are centered. We each have our own area in it. Up near the top, there is a big round room called ‘The Tower’. (There are actually separate higher towers of the normal sort around the castle, but this is inside it, in the middle.) The Senior had told me to “come to the Tower” but I didn’t know what he meant, except that it was in/on the castle. I wandered the castle until gold light arrows appeared in the air in front of me, and literally led me through it, and up a big spiral staircase, until I reached the tower room which is up high.

Inside the tower is a huge symbol on the floor I’ve never looked closely at (waiting until it ’spontaneously’ shows itself to me, so that my mind won’t make it into something imaginatively). As “The Four” we are always there; it is a matter only of whether I am ‘paying attention’. That is like the anchor place for us ‘inside me’.

I usually go to my mate and wrap my arms around him, and put my head against his chest and just relax and breathe into him. The Senior and The Queen as I call them, the other ‘higher’ couple of our Four, are there and sometimes talk to me/us. They are ‘holy’ and although in one way I feel part of them and comfortable with that, in another way I have a sense of respect-AWE for them that makes me a little more inhibited. Inner Guide can be there if I ask for IG but is not unless I ask.

The Four insisted on introducing me to a whole group of other guides there at one point, which for some reason deeply upset me. I held onto my mate like a scared child and refused to deal with them. Eventually, unwillingly, and with IG’s help, I shook their hands. Aside from Nero, who had showed up in a remote viewing session (but not part of the target, I knew) just prior to that, I didn’t have any conscious clarity on any of them. Then I avoided the tower.

I started hanging out ‘outside’ it, a roof-like area of stone (the top story of the castle, which is outdoors). Since I refused to go in there, a lot of stuff “came to me” outside instead. There were some meditation experiences stemming from that, and I did a little archetype work inside the tower, but I have avoided the castle since that time. Even when I go to my ’sacred space’, I am aware of it in the distance, but I avoid going there.

The Senior tells me I should be going there regularly to work with them. I know he is divine and that not obeying him is just crazy, but I have such resistance. I didn’t want to meet all the people he seemed to want to introduce me to. I feel threatened by that.

It feels as if they are ‘the next geometry out’ of the Four, which is why I assume something mathematical and that perhaps there is like 12 or 16 or something like that, but I really don’t know. The understanding I get, if this is accurate, is that somehow the more consciously aware I am of them, the more awareness I technically have of ‘myself’ because they are and/or represent energies that are also-me, and the more ‘inherent power’ I have as a result–control over my larger self of energy.

I am not real ambitious at this point in my life and it feels like Nero, the Four, pretty much everybody inside me, seems to have a lot higher expectations of me than I am living up to.

I haven’t been to the tower in a long time. It doesn’t appear that avoiding it helps, since IG promptly started stuffing Guides into my experience as if the Senior had told her to; there is no escape!

I might add that I think the reason I react so badly to this, with such fear and resistance, is that it’s a form of death. The definition of “I” is seriously expanded — that is to say, changed, hence obliterated and rebuilt differently — with every new ‘part of me’ that I have to extend the “umbrella of identity to cover”. Literally, it threatens the very core of my ego.

Outer Guides

When I unroll the inner world, I always have a sense of ‘people there’ who are ‘around me’, spread out all over the plateau. Sometimes I sense a few, sometimes many. The more ‘regularly’ I meditate, the more there. When I plan something major in meditation ahead of time, or am unusually emotional, more are there. Nero and others can be there or not as I choose.

The woman who taught me shamanic workings of various sorts, including archetype meditations (although (a) she based this on Steinbrecher’s book so some I got from him, too, and (b) of course this ‘evolves’ with the meditator themselves over time), she called all these people “outer guides”, as opposed to the singular “Inner Guide” that, from my ’sacred space’, I would go through a cave to find. I don’t know if ‘outer guides’ is the right label for them.

One time, I invited a so-called ‘outer guide’ from there (a woman I knew named them this), into an ‘inner guide’ meditation. He seemed blown away by the experience, which I found interesting. The next day when I went in there was an entire crowd that wanted to go, that he’d invited–it was like a college class of young men or something, t
otally rowdy with energy, I kept having to tell them to settle down.

So there seems to be a real difference between the ‘identities’ I was taught to call ‘outer guides’, and my actual Inner Guide (one identity, but it changes out from time to time), and ‘Archetypes’, and The Four (like a group-soul I think), and what I call my Consortium (initially I called them the Coalition), which is a bunch of people that are (a) extensions of The Four and (b) apparently ‘Guides’ in the typical sense. They tell me that I and they ‘overlap’ in energy, that we are meant to operate seamlessly and that much of what I think comes from or is ‘me’ is as much them. I find it all confusing but I’m getting better at accepting it.

I don’t know what that leaves for the people on my plateau to be. They don’t seem like any of the above. This would all be so much easier if these entities would fit into the little categories my culture already has. Then I’d have some decent model for them.

Instead I usually have the experiences and then struggle to find a way for my brain to handle it and know how to label it and relate it to everything else in my experience. Wouldn’t you think there would be more written down? Aside from Jung and Steinbrecher and Jane Roberts — all dead now, and their work related to my stuff but is not quite the same — who writes about this stuff??

It is pitiful to imagine that someday in the future, someone will have nobody but me, some nobody-blogger, for shared experience on these things. Surely there are far more qualified, better written, more experienced people who ought to be documenting some of this stuff.

Body Guides

When I sink into the ground atop my cliff for various body-related meditations, there’s a whole other cast of characters.

I once was taken on a tour of one of my eyes. I arrived in a slightly wet dark dank area, and met a frog with huge eyes. He opened a big trap door staircase in the ceiling for me and made it clear he could not go, just me, but that I needed to climb up and go to the end of the hall it led to. I went up it and then walked down a hallway, ignoring the doors, and a door at the end opened. A lizard-guy made entirely of ice (yet dry) was like a silent guide. (He appeared at the end of the meditation as well, and then melted into nothingness.)

He took me to a man with a beard in a suit and a british accent. That’s hilarious. I guess I must have some association with men in suits with british accents that worked well for that energy. The man showed me around the eye. Told me that he was, get this, “the collective representative identity for the energy of my eyes,” how crazy does that sound. He told me they needed more hydration and I literally signed a scroll for him officially authorizing a larger allotment of water intake to his area. I told him that he made it seem almost like “body politics,” competition for a limited natural resource as if it were money, and he said dryly, “You have no idea.”

The eye — seen from the back I believe — in that perception was mind-bogglingly fantastic. It was like the most complicated computer graphic scene in a movie EVER but in 3D (at least). There was this small part-rounded, short (few feet high) ‘wall’-like area at the side of the room, and we went over to it and looked over it — it was totally open beyond that, no floor, as if we were at least a few stories up.

The space went way down and some ways down was this gigantic round (galaxy-like, sorta) collection of individual buckey-ball shaped slightly-convex thin ‘plates’ and they were all in constant motion not only individually but also moving slowly around together (but irregularly together, like water molecules in a tide). There was something akin to a metal bucket filled with fluid at one side that I decided was my symbol for part of a tear duct maybe.

The ‘concept’ slightly reminded me of a big radio telescope made from a million little mini-telescope-plates except these really were individual with a slight space between them and the whole thing had that “elegance of divine technology” feel that some body-based remote viewing targets have had for me (like one I did on red blood cells).

But that’s something akin to body-identities so that isn’t a ‘guide’ either. I guess. Long ago in one of the most profound experiences I’ve ever had, a realization came to me: “Identity is an arbitrary collection of consciousness assigned a title” — that it could be infinitely combined or separated — and my experiences with my body, such as the eye I mentioned above, and such as ‘Captain of the Guard’, make me think this must be true.

Maybe we are all many things on many levels and all at once.

I have had other ‘body-type’ experiences and I usually sink into the cliff for them as if the plateau overall represents my body.

Back to people on the plateau

Very little that I do seems to affect the people on the plateau, so a lot of my inspiration for trying to send them energy or something has faded. I really just don’t know what to do with them, who they are or why they’re there. I assume they’re related to me or why would they be present. I think of them as ‘guides’ sort of, but some I apparently have no interaction with to speak of. There are more of them when I’m doing ‘regular’ work or when I have planned something serious in advance.

At times I’ve held hands with some and attempted to introduce myself. I “go deaf” and “blind” when I try to very consciously talk with them–this is my own denial. I am only gradually, slightly, working through the same problem with everything in the archetype area. Getting better.

Once upon a time, a man named Brin was out on the plateau, and Stet — ‘outer guides’ it appeared. Them, I perceived, much like I do Nero. Brin I once actually saw and heard as clearly as I would someone in regular life, one day, and I freaked out about that. A short time later, I spontaneously ‘released’ him–an intuitive act, I was just letting it roll — so he disappeared, delightedly enough to nearly hurt my feelings.

The strange thing was that I had two cats when I met them, both big males, one half siamese and one a ginger tabby. Brin and Stet were asian and something akin to “an auburn cowboy” which hilariously fit the cats. I would never have noticed this sync if it were not for the fact that the siamese’s name was Brynner (after Yul Brynner the actor) and I called him Bryn. He disappeared right after I ‘released’ the guide Brin. Sometime later, the tabby disappeared, and I expected he would come back–he did once a couple months later for half a day–then vanished again, and I haven’t seen Stet inside since then either (and much like the cat he sort of faded away without comment).

Now the thing is, part of me thinks, “Ok then it’s all fantasy, you’re just very creative, that just proves it.” Another part of me thinks, “It makes sense that your guides would partly-manifest in your pets, to physically anchor their energy.” I haven’t noticed any correlation between my pets and other so-called guides. Then again aside from Brin and Stet I have not met anybody clearly who seemed in quite the same category they were.

Maybe it’s my idea that everything needs a category and label that is part of the problem. Maybe we have an infinite number of relationships and they span a “spectrum” not easily labeled.

Nedmund

Last night I forced myself to act responsibly. IG has told me repeatedly that ‘consistency means more than quantity’ with meditation. So before I got too sleepy I made a point, for the third day in a row, to drop into my other-world.

Because I didn’t blog it promptly, I’ve forgotten nearly all of it. Suffice to say though that it went more positively than any meditation I’ve done for awhile. I felt a bit odd, going into it. Happy. Relaxed. Huge sense of humor.

So I said alrighty IG
, give me whatever you like, feels like it’ll be a guide right! I’ve never felt so totally ok with that as I did last night.

I worked on his name for awhile and still am not sure that is right. The problem with this is that it is energy not alphabet that is given me. So the name is like ‘Edmund’ ‘Redmond’ ‘Bledland’, and yet, the sounds of “ed” and “und/and/end” are supposed to be ‘together’ not separate, and the flat-’ed’ sound is supposed to be twice-that, and there are a little taste of some other letters in there and — I run into this in intuitive writing/speaking, dang it — there are a bunch of “letter-sounds that do not exist in my language” but which the energy needs for being manifested.

It really makes me wonder what effect language has on the creation of reality. Do we limit our energetic creation in part by how we limit our language?

In words we can only stretch things out in TIME; we cannot “intensify” them, if you see what I mean. So something that “should” be one syllable with several flavors, dimensions, sounds, intensities, instead has to be multiple syllables, which is both way too shallow, and way too extra, and just–wrong.

Everything that is a guide-name is a little bit wrong and may or may not sound anything like a real name as we have them. So that’s why some sound so silly. It’s just my pitiful translation.

I do recall now that he was really close to me, inches away, male, I noticed his eyes a lot. I asked him why he was so CLOSE to me (really in my personal space like inches from my face) and he said he wanted to be sure that I was aware of him. He took up the space to my front left, kind of opposite Bolehren.

Jared and El Niño seem to be the rear-guard; they have kind of taken up the position behind me. I like them there. For some reason that seems strong and secure. Like I have the calvary at my back or something.

I totally forgot that I talked briefly to Jared again last night while in there. I asked him why he had never had the helmet I associate with the Roman Centurions. He said he doesn’t need it here. I asked him why he isn’t wearing chain mail and he said leather works fine for him in this place.

Nero did say that these ‘positions’ the guides take are not as literal and meaningful as I am assigning them, but do have some small meaning at least. I think it helps me to use this approach though, because then everyone has a place, a name, I can fairly quickly be ‘aware’ of each of them without forgetting or getting too confused.

Finally

I feel like I’ve been kind of pushed to walk through all this as a sort of history summary. And a sort of “OK, we’ve recapped, now start from here, move forward more proactively now, and RETURN TO THE TOWER ALREADY” message from the Senior. Sigh. Alrighty then.

I guess since avoiding the tower did not spare me having to deal with the ‘other-extensions-of-us’ located there, then there is no real reason to avoid it anymore. I belong as part of The Four.

Next meditation… I’ll take IG to the tower.

PJ

Earlier today I went in to see Calmè and again apologized for being a jerk and thanked her for putting up with me.

This evening I went to IG and told her I wanted to do a meditation related to work. Right now my future is iffy. It looks like I’m going to end up doing a buncha little piece of other things from other people and have to be glad for it, glad to have a job. I know very well that probability-wise, there is no reason why my long history of managment and tech plus 4.5 years in the firm can’t arrange some opportunity to take a new product line for example and project manage that. No matter how it doesn’t exist right now. It could happen. Thus far I have really had zero in fact negative levels of ambition with this firm for the first time in my whole life–but that was because I was so profoundly burned out from the previous 23 years it took a few years to work past that, and then there’s the issue where so far the options have seemed to require someone in CA and I cannot move there. But this option or something akin to it sounds good to me, and it might not exist presently, but that’s what magick is about after all; causing change in accordance with will. The worst it could do is ‘not work’ and I’m out what, a few minutes of attention? The best it could do is hugely improve what I spend the majority of my waking life on. Well worth the effort!

IG: Close your eyes.

That was odd but I did, and I felt as if I were on a conveyor belt being moved backward, way beyond the space available before the outer wall of the cave so something had changed. Finally it stopped.

IG: OK.

I opened my eyes to see I was on the far edge of a walkway that had extended me to the middle of a small pond or lake, just as all but the panel I stood on broke away, receded to the other side and vanished. So I was standing there in the middle of the lake on this like, 2′x2′ square floaty thing.

I wondered why she made me close my eyes and concluded that I would have ‘expected’ some kind of archetype behind me on the ground near the cave of course, so she had to shut that down enough that she could have me become aware in a different location. It occurs to me maybe I should always try and ‘clear my mind’ enough to let her do that if she needs to.

The lake seemed pretty and normal, round, and the sun was shining. The land around was sparse trees. The water was probably about a quarter mile diameter. I stood there for awhile thinking that this IG has challenged me so much more than others. What, the ‘water of life’ is going to ‘heal’… a lake?? With no visible problem?

I imagined holding my laptop and on the computer screen ran a program that gave me a sonar and thermal joint map of the interior of the lake. Over on one side, there was this big area, like a bubble from the edge, that was like a ‘dead zone’. Nothing it it at all. On the opposite side, there was this big area, another bubble-type area from the edge, that was stuffed with something irregularly shaped and dark and a little frighteningly mysterious. I vanished the screen and thought about it.

Apparently I would have to go underwater, I concluded. I was about to dive in when part of me thought, “What if there are monsters in here?” I’m so ridiculous. But I’ve learned to trust that whatever I feel I just have to go with it, validate it.

Rolling my eyes at myself I enlarged, stabilized, then moved my platform over to the edge just offside of the ‘dead zone’. I created a holograph in the air that starting at the bottom of the lake, built up and showed me the picture of what was ‘in’ that part of the lake in detail. It looked like there were two things ‘intruding’ from the ground at the side of the lake. Sorta ‘medium-dark blue rubber things’ sticking into the water. Yet they seemed kind of alive, too. I couldn’t figure out how to get them out. I mean they were coming from earth so I couldn’t pull them out the back. My impression was that they were poisoning the water, but only in that ‘zone’, like it was a “sphere of influence” more than a liquid poison.

I concluded I’d have to go down in there.

For some reason I had this concern that it wasn’t safe so I imagined that my regular body stayed and my ’semi-astral’ body went down there. Whatever was sticking into the water looked like of like a venomous sea creature, an airplane ugly plastic floatation cushion, and a toxic waste spout all in one somehow. I imagined I had a big vaccuum tube and I sized it around this bottom one, totally against the edge, and then I had it ’suck it out’ totally into the tube and seal firmly. Then I imagined closing up that empty space and strengthing the edge of the lake so nothing else could intrude like that, and I sent the sealed container to attach to the floating panel the rest of my body was standing on.

Then I did the same for the top one, which seemed to be 2 or 3 of these things, big and horrible and disgusting looking frankly, a little like the head of an octopi at times. Filled in and firmed up that area. The ’sphere of influence’ seemed gone. It was healthy now but there was nothing in that space. So I imagined sinking a tiny but complicated old boat with many open window ports and then bringing in a fish school and various clingy creatures and re-establishing some kind of health marine habitat there.

I went back to my body, and took the two containers and went 1/4 of the way around the lake and got off at the shore. I asked for some experts to show up and help. A big industrial looking building appeared and two men were standing near. “What do I do with these?” I asked them. They took me into the building, into some area with a big clear tank about 20′ wide by 15′ high by 10′ deep, and one of them poured the contents of both vaccuum tubes into a big tank and sealed the tank. The bizarre shapes got even more amorpheous and it seemed like there was ink or something as they blended into the tank.

The men threw some kind of switch and a variety of energy things happened that eventually reduced everything in the tank to pure energy, and then neutralized anything unpleasant, and then the water cleared up. It was like putting shock in a pool or that stuff in fish tanks, very sudden. I didn’t feel anything though. They told me that although the water was clean they only released it in areas where nothing was intended to grow anyway ‘just in case’ so I felt better. I thanked them and went out and the building vanished.

I went around the lake to where the big irregular dark mass was seen on the screen earlier and I brought over and stepped on my ‘floating panel’ and went just outside of that area and did another holographic, show-me-what’s-there thing.

It looked like human corpses, but somehow covered in rubbery darkness too. I was grossed out. The closer I looked the grosser it got.

Me: IG, I find it hard to believe I have this serious an issue–dead corpses. Because you know, anything THAT bad usually I wouldn’t be able to see or perceive well. Besides, normally work is my best area, I’ve always done well there.

IG: Dead?

She sounded like it was a commentary on my perception, not a real question.

So I looked at them again. I really couldn’t see anything well enough to tell. Again it looked like a dark rubbery-ness too down there and gross bloated dead humans, more than one, seemingly all men. But there was no way I was going underwater for that stuff.

So I got onto the shore and imagined a giant dredging machine was on the land. A scoop came and completely scooped up every bit of the funky stuff from the lake and held it aloft. I solidifed and strengthened what was left of the side of the lake, and did the ‘restoration’ I’d done on the other side. Then I brought back the big facility and the guys and the scoop dumped into a tank about 5x that size and then everything but me and the tank vanished.

I stared at the tank, as everything moved
and swirled and diluted some with the water. I imagined a lever that did the energy-thing that the last tank had and everything that was not human gradually disappeared, reduced to energy, made neutral. That just left 5 dead guys drifting around.

“Stand up,” I commanded them and vanished everything else. They stood limply and deadly in place, but I knew already they weren’t really dead or why would IG have said that. I began to imagine “a light of life inside them”. It grew right between the heart and solar plexus like a spark of light right in the center of them, and then begin to grow.

I could see that it restored them, much like restoring the roman and his horse had gone. Except this took time. I mean I tried to just imagine it happening quickly in all 5 of them but it couldn’t. I had to literally focus intensely and PUSH and stay with it, going all the way down their body through feet, then back up to the middle and upward. All 5 at once. Finally at the head, it was even more work. Like I just had to really focus on every detail and buh-lieve it, yeah-uh! in order for it to work, like faith and patience were part of it. Finally I had only the head left and it took awhile for the heads. When finally the crown of the head was the last thing finished, big light shone all the way through them, beaming up into the sky like a spotlight. I had to go through the heads one by one to make this happen though and it took awhile. Finally they were all just standing there. Normal guys, it appeared.

Me: Who are you?

Them: “We are you,” they said in unison.

Me: Oh that creeps me out! Don’t do that again. (But I kinda laughed.)

I tried to figure out what to do with them. I mean all the work I’d done so far I’d had no sense of merging, suggesting maybe I wasn’t finished. I asked them for something to trade energy and they all put little motes of light between my heart and solar plexus, 5 across, like a 5-star belt of orion inside me. I had the urge to give them (it’s often weird, bear with me) the muscle from my right upper arm, which I had to put in the left upper arm of every one.

Then I imagined trying to merge into each. I did have the sense that this worked as far as integration goes but I felt no rush whatever.

Thinking about it, I remembered the dome carnival archmed and so I imagined everything including the entire huge lake, that I expanded to encompass that and then integrate with everything, with the whole landscape. I felt some rush from that, and felt it was what I was supposed to do, as a result. Not intense or long, but enough to know something worked. I went back to IG.

Me: I feel like if I don’t get a major rush that maybe it’s not done well. I wanto to manifest that. Can you help? Will you help? Can we do others?

She nodded. “Consistency is more important than frequency,” she reminded me.

I nodded.

Me: IG… what about the roman soldier guy and the horse? Could I… maybe see them again?

They appeared. He was on the horse this time. The horse was such a tall stallion he sat above me. I went up next to them and put one hand on the neck of the horse and one hand on his thigh and imagined sharing energy with them.

Me: Are you a guide?

Him: Yes.

Me: And… the horse?

Him: He is part of both of us.

Me: I see. (I wasn’t sure I did, but never mind.) What is your name?

Him: Jared.

Me: Just like that? I just get it that clearly, after the big mystery of everybody else’s? That doesn’t sound like a Roman name to me.

He said nothing.

Me: What’s the horse’s name?

Him: El Niño.

Me: You mean like the ocean warm thing? Isn’t that like… little boy?

He grinned a little then, and patted the neck of the horse. The BIG adult male horse. “Yes,” he said affectionately, talking as much to the horse as to me.

It occurred to me that if it’s his horse, he oughtta know its name, no matter how odd it seemed to me, so I shrugged a little, focusing again on one hand on the horse’s neck and one hand on his thigh as he sat above me.

Me: It was nice to meet you both. I… well I assume we will meet again at some point. Do you know it’s been exactly a year–minus like 6 days–between the time I met you and then met you again? That seems like a heck of a coincidence since I certainly didn’t remember it consciously. Anyway…

I imagined sending warm love and light to them.

Me: Thanks for coming.

I backed off and bowed a little. The horse kneeled a little and he bowed slightly and they vanished.

I turned to IG but whatever I was going to say vanished from my head as I said instead, fervently, “IG, I love you so much. I’m so lucky to have you! Thank you for everything!”

Then I rolled it all up and I was done.

Hoping to do more soon.

PJ

I did manage to make it in to do a little med work last night. In my opinion this did not go well. But at least it happened I guess. Unfortunately, after that I passed out and slept so deeply I missed going to the grocery store which I needed to do, had to cancel my remote viewing date by phone which I was too sleepy even to talk to, etc. And it’s yet another example of feeling forced to blog about something that totally embarrasses me. Oh yeah but aside from all THAT it was just fine, oh brother!

**

I went to IG just to talk to her, initially.

Me: In all honesty IG, I feel like when I do archs that I let you choose, where I don’t know what they are, it just doesn’t go as well. I mean I read some old blogging yesterday and I see that sometimes it does but my “feel” is that there is something missing from those. Like it’s important for me to know.

{silence}

Me: OK. Well, I was going to ask for an arch but I guess I will just let you choose. Apparently that was my pre-complaint but nothing changed. I think another thing that bothers me is that I worry you’re going to keep giving me guides, as you seem kinda driven that way, so it makes me a little paranoid about it as that bothers me. I want to be able to trust that if I ask for you to choose, I get an archetype.

{silence}

Me: But well, ok, I admit I do really feel like I should let you choose what we do and it shouldn’t always have to be archetypes.

{silence}

Me: Oh for godssakes. FINE THEN. You just choose what we do. But listen, I already feel strongly that yet-another new guide is involved but you know it just doesn’t seem right, I don’t even know the ones I have yet–and yes, I admit that’s totally my fault and avoidance, not yours–but I’d like to have some time to get to know the existing folks first, before introducing more. So can we do that?

Finally she said something.

IG: No. We have something of a schedule. We need to work through more of them. You will just have to make an effort to ‘catch up’ on your conscious work with the guides, to get to know them better.

I just stared at her. I don’t know why I found it so shocking she said no. And since when does so-called spiritual work have any kind of time-window? I couldn’t think of what to say for a bit so I just stood there pouting grumpily. Finally, feeling somewhat depressed–because it doesn’t feel like I’m properly in control of this, and it seems like if it’s my spiritual life it oughtta be under my control–I just said (a bit morosely and quietly):

Me: Alright then. Whatever, I guess. Let’s do something before I fall asleep here. Some kind of meditation.

I felt something like an archetype behind me and I turned. I couldn’t see it well, especially near the top, and it was about 15 feet tall and somewhat conical shaped yet a rubbery like texture and a tannish-brown color. I walked around it a bit. Then I called in the rainwater of love and stood there a bit letting a torrent of water fall on it. During this I got distracted by some personal daydream, then I brought myself back to it.

The arch now looked like a tall skinny cone, a dark-glass or crystal tower of sorts. It looked a great deal like something I had once before–not as an archetype, but that showed up near The Tower in the castle where The Four and I often meet–back then I remember it was ‘planted’ like growing through the floor outside near the top of the tower where I was hanging out, because I had refused to spend enough time inside so something was coming to me. I seem to recall it eventually shattered and inside it was… someone? I can’t remember very well. It’s a miracle I remember anything at all if I don’t blog it, and that’s only because I can read it later. Anyway, I didn’t see anybody inside it, and I pondered what to do about it.

I looked away from it, thinking on the previous ‘variant’ of this symbol, when something appeared on the top of it. I looked back. A small… sort of person, about half my size, with wings, female, something in her hand, appeared on the top, like an angel on the top of a christmas tree, except more faery-like. That was just stupid so I looked away again. Probably imagination and I’d let that pass.

It didn’t pass. I finally looked back again.

Me: Oh my god. No. NO. That’s totally retarded! If YOU are the guide, forget it. I don’t do, ah, faeries or whatever the hell you’re supposed to be.

IG finally seemed a little more communicative.

IG: In your last meditation you made it clear that you wanted to know the true form of your guide. So, this one is showing you her true form.

Me: Oh give me a break! That can’t be real. That isn’t real.

IG: Giant frogs like your previous IG can be real, but not this? Why is a big slimy frog more “ok” than something a little like a faery?

Me: Because faeries are STUPID. That has to be just imagination, and bad at that. Frogs are… well, ok, really weird, but far more cool. Anything would be more cool.

She was silent, but I had the overwhelming feeling that she thought me expecting my interior life to be ‘hip’ by the standards of my exterior culture was… totally immature, if not downright moronic.

Me: Fine then. FINE! For goddsakes.

I turned and went forward to the half-sized human girl with wings who was now just standing at the top of the glass tower, on the point of it, staring at me.

Me: Dear God, please help me to be less biased and more open concerning this guide. Amen. OK. Look, you ARE a guide, is that correct?

Her: Yes.

She seemed… I dunno. Not sullen, but I had the feeling something about me had made her less …. cheerful than she would normally be.

Me: OK look, I’m sorry I’m such a jerk about all this. There is nothing wrong with you I guess, you are whatever you are. I just am surprised by it and kinda put all this in another category because of what you look like.

I turned back to IG.

Me: I’m embarrassed! That’s what it is. I blog these meditations. I don’t like looking like some kind of new agey fantasizing fool. At least some of my meditations are more like traditional internal magick, shamanic workings. Talking about someone who looks like a faery just puts me in the total-retard category. Even my friends will think it’s retarded, I’m sure of it, and they LIKE me already.

The half-size girl vanished from the top of the tower, and a woman appeared in front of me. I couldn’t ’see’ her head very well to describe her, but her body was normal and wearing something like an evening gown. Her, I was much more comfortable with. She was normal. I reached out and took her hands in mine, and tried to imagine that we were ’sharing energy’ in some way.

But it felt… well, kind of a wrongness.

Me: IG, my last IG told me he could take any form for me. So why do I feel like her taking this form just isn’t… really right?

IG: Because it was his choice. She doesn’t feel the same way about it.

Me: Nero? Nero!

He appeared in his normal place.

Me: Nero, is all this for real? I feel like it’s not for real.

Nero: {seeming amused} So I am real, but she is not?

Me: Yes but I *know* you. I feel you, I usually at least semi hear you–sort of… sometimes I feel you, or see you… you feel like part of me now. I trust you.

Nero: You’ve hardly had time for that to happen here with her.

Me: Well she ain’t even talking to me! What’s the point?

Nero: Well maybe if you’d stop being rude and insulting at least briefly, some actual conversation could happen.

Me: Oh.

I spent awhile pacing. Yes, this is dumb, I pace in my inner world. I can just think and ‘be’ somewhere, yet I actually imagine pacing. How r
idiculous is that. Finally I come back to where the woman in the evening gown is standing.

Me: I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being rude and, and refusing your real self. Please be who you are. I will learn to deal with that. I’m sorry for being insulting about it.

She turned back into the other thing, standing in front of me, the top of her head came up to about my middle chest.

Me: What is… your name?

I could feel myself closing down before I even finished the question. I wish I could get over this resistance to hearing almost everything. It sounded something like,

Me: “Call-me? Isn’t that two words? Or do you mean I should call on you?”

Her: Calmè.

I sensed the letters that would make this in my language. It sounded like something “between” calm and colm, and the last sound wasn’t even a whole sound, almost like an “eh” and “ah”, between them but only half that. Like the ‘e’ was “almost entirely silent”–just not quite.

Me: ‘Calmè’ {I said, trying to LISTEN this time and pronounce it as close to how she had as I could.}

Calmè: That will do.

I stood there staring at her silently for a bit.

Me: What do you, ah, ‘do’ with me?

She held out the thing in her hand and touched the side of my left shoulder with it.

Me: Oh for godssakes. That better not be a wand.

She just stared at me without comment.

Me: I don’t feel anything. Apparently either you don’t have much power or this just isn’t working for me.

Nero: How about you let something work for you?

I wanted to open up. I really did. I wanted to be all generous and loving and ooh-aah and oh-look-a-faery and have some wonderful experience. I just couldn’t. I stood there feeling recalcitrant and frustrated and sullen. I wanted NORMAL PEOPLE. Why had all the early ones been normal and not this one? Maybe IG had given me the normal ones first? Maybe at least some were guised to seem normal for my sake?

Me: IG, can I just have all my existing guides now.

I had the feeling from her that I didn’t need to ask her; I only needed to think of it and they would be there. They all appeared around me, in the same relationship they had previously. For some reason I felt relief.

Me: Where do you go? (to Calmè)

She vanished and I felt her appear a bit behind me and off to the left. Most of that area (my left side/back) doesn’t have any guides there yet.

Me: Nero, does this mean something, the positions you guys appear around me in? The star, orbit, geometry thing?

Nero: Not in quite the way you’re thinking, no. It isn’t quite the matter that you’re making of it. But on a subtler level, it does mean something.

I ‘thought’ of him holding my hands in front of me and so he was, and I imagined us trading energy through the hands, and then I imagined hugging him, and merging into him. That worked. I didn’t have a merge-rush but I did feel it happened. I felt so grateful that he was so normal. And to think I had an issue with his name initially. Now he seems like the most normal of the bunch in a way.

I turned to Taan in front of me and did the same thing. I felt such affection for him all the sudden. He was not only normal, but he had such a good, sweet nature. I hugged him happily for awhile first. I thought thankful things at him during it, for having such a good nature, and then we merged. Again no rush, just awareness that it had fully happened.

Me: Ithikah?

He motioned to Bolehren.

Ithikah: Her next.

Me: I — why is that?

But I could ’sense’ it. She was like on the ‘inner circle’ around me so far and he was pointedly the ‘next row out’, behind Taan. I had the feeling that this didn’t have to matter, I could just do the order I wanted, but that my question to Nero about their placement had caused him to demonstrate there was some point to the physical relationship they had around me.

I took Bolehren’s hands and we shared energy, and then I hugged her. She is also delightfully normal. I hugged her for longer, glad she was normal and nice. Then we merged. Except she didn’t vanish into me 100%. Some percentage of her seemed ‘unmerged’ and that stepped back and vanished.

I started to ask Marcus but then realized that L’anna was standing between Bolehren and Marcus now. I’d forgotten about her. So she and I held hands and then hugged. I actually felt a slight sense/rush of merge with her. I wondered if this was because she was still so new to me we had more energy to join or something. She had more percentage of her left-over than Bolehren had, and that stayed separate and then vanished.

I held the hands of Marcus.

Me: I feel that I really owe you some… time. Thank you, for staying with me in the dream where I met you. The content of that was a little weird to me, makes me nervous. I’d like to formally request, in case it helps at all, that if such a thing should happen again, anybody who can should help me get lucid, recognize you, and/or just wake up like I did then. That seemed to get me away from the black-eyed guy.

Then I hugged him. I felt a sense of guilt. Something I didn’t blog is that a couple viewing sessions ago I was not getting data and I thought at him, ‘Marcus! I thought you were supposed to help! Well you’re not help at all! I could be incompetent at this all on my own quite well, you know?!’ Now I felt slightly abashed about that. But I just hugged him for awhile until we merged. I don’t remember if I felt anything then.

That left only Calmè and Ithikah. I suddenly remembered how Ithikah had shown me that ‘he’ as a name was actually a ’shape’ and the words were much less ‘him’. I grabbed my laptop next to me and made the shape and put it in the old blog post with his name on it to demonstrate the shape. It occurred to me with some fascination as I did so, that pretty much every letter in the name I got, fits ‘into’ that symbol. Bit of ‘almost’ on the ‘A’ is all. Now that is just kinda weird. I set aside the computer again and went back to the meditation. I took his hands and hugged him. Which was funny, because I only came to his chest, much like Calmè had on me.

It occurred to me, I thought maybe with his help, that it might be a tad unfair that if I have a guide so tall I come to his chest, that is ok, and that if I have a guide so short she comes to my chest, that is somehow not ok. I had a subtle sense from someone, not sure who, that her being a woman was actually part of this. That I was less likely to accept something out of the norm in a female, for cultural reasons. That stopped me and made me think for a moment. I decided yeah, I do think there is some of that culturally–men as ‘outliers’ in our culture are better accepted, but I hadn’t thought of it before in quite that way, and hadn’t realized that I would be guilty of the bias myself. Ithikah and I merged, and finally I turned to Calmè and thought at her to take my hands.

I imagined trading energy with her, and ‘accepting’ her. I hugged her, and I asked IG to help me, as I could still feel resistance, much like I’d had with Taan just of a different nature. It seemed funny to me then, that I could possibly have rejected Taan, let alone hated his happiness, when he was so normal and nice and felt great. Then it occurred to me that despite not actively working with these guides, I do seem to be getting more comfortable with them. Perhaps it’s happening on the dream level or something.

Calmè and I merged, but only somewhat. Most of her couldn’t merge, which I suspected was my ow
n fault. But the rest of her went ahead and vanished, and so I was done.

I looked over to where I sensed IG.

Me: Are we done?

She nodded in another direction, and I followed her gaze. The dark smoky-glass tower thing still stood there. I had completely forgotten about it, so distracted was I with the guide that showed up on top of it.

I tried various things on the tower and nothing worked. I sighed. This couldn’t be easy, right.

I put my hands against it and leaned my cheek against it with my eyes closed. (In person, I put my hands flat together (like praying) and then lean my cheek against them.) I tried just to ‘imagine rapport’ for awhile and see if anything changed.

After awhile I suddenly realized it was gone. I must have spaced out a bit. Although I hadn’t seen anyone inside it apparently there had been as he was now standing where it had been.

Except I recognized him. It was the roman centurion I had ‘unfrozen from stasis’ long ago. (Blog of that med is here.)

Me: Hey IG – holy shit! Hey that’s never happened before. I’ve had this arch before! I mean normally even when I have the SAME named-archetype it’s different, except of course with the planets which usually look the same but that’s different, sorta. This IS the same guy, not just looks like him, I feel it.

IG: It is not an archetype.

I looked at him again. I remembered kissing him. I remembered deeply apologizing to him. I remembered the unique note in the meditation where he showed up, that I had never before “felt guilty” about an archetype as if I had ‘entrapped’ or ‘frozen’ them in some way. Was he a guide? Maybe that’s why he’d felt different. And acted a little different. I wondered why IG had not volunteered there was anything different about him the last time or that he was a guide. Then I realized she hadn’t usually with any of them; it was up to me to work it out. And I hadn’t really been able to merge with him, I recalled.

He stood there much like I had left him in fact. Just staring at me silently. He was wearing the earring I had given him, which suddenly made me aware of the armband he had given me, on my right upper arm. I leaned up on my tiptoes and kissed him. He didn’t resist or non-respond but didn’t respond with much either, but he didn’t pull away. But I pulled back and considered him with a frown.

Me: Is there something I can do to… to more fully free you? I feel like somehow you are not actually, totally, in the clear. Like we’re not… we’re not done with some working needed first.

Him: Yes. Help me free my horse.

I was silent for a moment and then I just burst out laughing.

Me: Your HORSE? You want to go get a HORSE?!

I cracked up again.

He didn’t seem to think it was very funny. He didn’t say anything. My humor faded, and I just stared at him a bit more with my brow furrowed in a frown. I could FEEL myself frowning, it was so pronounced.

Me: I guess that can’t be worse than the faery. At least a horse is a normal creature. If it’s that important to you, then I guess, let’s go do it. Take me to him. Her?

I felt it was a him. The soldier moved then and put his hand on my waist. I closed my eyes and imagined letting him ‘move us’ to wherever the horse was.

I opened my eyes when I felt we’d arrived. It was very cold. I don’t think I’ve ever felt a ‘temperature’ inside my inner world before, I noted. Even when the sun took me to a part of it where I’d never been. So the temp seemed novel. We were in what seemed like the rocky outcroppings of mountains, someways up the mountain but not super high. There were portions of fairly flat land here and big gray boulders all over the place.

He pointed at a huge boulder.

“That is my horse.”

I hesitated. “It looks like a big rock to me,” I observed.

“It is my horse. Trust me on this,” he said.

And I promptly fell asleep. Denial I guess. I mean literally I was pretty wide awake and at that moment I just PASSED OUT.

I woke up and blogged this. I COMPLETELY FORGOT about him and the horse until I got tot he point in my blog where I remembered IG pointing me at the glass tower and all that followed. I stopped blogging and sat back and put myself back in the environment where I last remembered being.

I imagined putting my hands out in front of me — the huge boulder was about 15 feet from me — and just imagined that all my guides were in me and helping me and we were pouring energy into the heart of the stone. It felt so powerful, as if they were really helping or it was really working.

I imagined that I was bringing to life something at the core, rather like I had done for the Roman in fact, and sort of ‘thawing from cold stasis’ the horse. My body started ‘rushing’. Shivers ran all the way through me in a major rush-feeling as I worked on the horse. It reminded me of some archs I’ve done where in working on THEM, I felt it in MY body.

I had the most bizarre, crazy thought. I wondered if maybe *I* was actually the horse. Or some aspect of it. Seth once said part of him was living as a dog. Maybe part of me had been living as a horse. This guy’s horse. I nearly started laughing again with what a crazy thought that was, but I was distracted by how powerful the process felt.

I was slightly hyperventilating with the rushing as I kept imagining pouring all that warm energy in, and then all the stone just sort of exploded outward in tiny pieces and dust and the horse was there, a big black stallion type of horse, and I kept imagining the energy until I felt the horse was fully restored–it reared and did whatever that sound horses do–I don’t even know what to call it, I know so little about horses!–and I stopped and just watched it.

The Roman was there and hugging its head and petting its neck and talking to it in a low voice I couldn’t hear and the horse appeared to be equally affectionate. I really don’t know jack about horses. Nearly died on one when I was 16 and lost interest in them after that frankly. Nothing like a concussion–pain you cannot imagine with the gentlest step just to get to the bathroom–to pretty much do in any real interest in something.

“Can I touch him?” I asked the Roman. He stepped slightly to the side and I went up to the horse. I put my hands and cheek against his front shoulder.

“I’m sorry if I did this to you at some point,” I said honestly. “I’m so glad you’re free now.” I leaned back a little and looked at him, and his big eye looked at me and I had the sense that this horse was sentient. Not ‘like’ a person, but still, sentient totally, in its own way.

Apologizing seemed necessary for some reason. Like… owed. Like it helped ME to say it; like it just “had to be said.” But then I felt like an intruder in a way and I stepped back away to where I had been and he and the horse continued their weird little love fest and conversation. I figured I was done there so I imagined being back with IG again.

I told her thank you, and then I rolled the world up inside me and came back to blogging.

It occurred to me after that I had never even asked him his name. Nor am I sure he’s a guide. Maybe there is something else. And what about the horse?! Would he be a guide WITH the horse? Would the horse be a guide? Now that’s just funny. Maybe he’s just some… I dunno.

Maybe there is more to the universe than just archetypes and guides. Or maybe he’s just not ready to be a guide. God only knows.

Well anyway.

I don’t really know how much I accomplished but at least I did make an effort.

I was going to go see the rest of The Four in The Tower when I was done but of course I’d fallen asleep. Maybe I’ll do that now. That’ll probably put me back to
sleep. Which since it’s now 4:20am might be a good thing.

PJ

I was touching base with the guides I have met so far. Nero nearly always appears where I first-ever saw him so clearly, to my left a bit in front and above. (I was sitting on a piano bench and he was standing beside the edge of the piano, when we first met. So, that position.) Taan stands right in front of me and I always ‘feel’ his good humor. Ithikah stands behind him a few feet but he’s so tall I see him right over Taan’s head. Bolehren stands to the front right corner of me, between the front and the side. Marcus stands slightly behind me off to the right a bit so I can just see him peripherally but have to turn to face him. They settled in like this ‘was’ their position. I had the weird sense that I did eons ago in the Tower with The Four where it was kinda like we were all stars and our pattern relationship was orbits and geometry.

Anyway. I completely forget what I was doing or thinking but I was sliding toward dream alas. There was some problem I was aware of, and a woman slid her hands into my torso from the right side of me and began manipulating the energy inside me to help. After a moment I realized this was not part of the sort-of-daydreamish-something going on, and that this was NOT Bolehren who was standing next to her. I looked at the woman. She had sandy blondish straight hair, about shoulder length.

I suddenly realized that one reason they all seemed to desire me to be better familiar with them, is because I ought to just ‘know’ who is working with me. I shouldn’t have to see them or be surprised by it, like once I was previously when Taan joined a conversation Nero and I were having.

I said to her, “You — are you another Guide??”
“Yes,” she nodded, pulling her hands back and relaxing.
“Stand in front of me so I can see you better,” I requested, and she appeared where Taan was as he stepped back.

I considered her. She looked vaguely familiar, not like I had seen her but like I had maybe known someone who looked like her just a little. Or was it the ‘medical’ feel, I suddenly wondered? Then I got it: she actually, I felt, put this into my head: she looks a little like ‘the Keeper’ on that TV show ‘The Invisible Man’ – a woman who is a doctor… and more. I remember watching the show just recently and really noticing the woman and kind of wondering why I liked the character so well. I had the sudden sense that SHE (the Guide) was aware of all this at the time and had “helped” me focus on her as part of attempting to prepare me for her, sort of. I remembered Taan telling me that he had always been part of me, not just when I ‘became aware’ of him.

“IG? Is she part of Nero’s group, my consortium?” I asked.

“Yes,” she confirmed. It struck me that this one, like Nero and maybe Marcus, had gone out of her way to proactively put herself into my attention; IG had not brought her, the way that Taan, Bohleren and Ithikah had happened. I looked back at her and considered her thoughtfully for a minute. I can’t see her THAT well. I have occasionally almost-flashes.

I asked her name. This was another miserable attempt as they often are. I tried to be quiet and listen and feel but much like with Taan, what I really got is, “It is just like this-name but it totally isn’t this-name at all, that’s wrong, and it sounds different than that.” I mean… that hardly helps! It sounded rather like ’something-anna’. And yet it wasn’t like a whole syllable up front. Finally frustrated, I actually started putting it down (typing in my computer in my google spreadsheet where I was earlier working on meditation ideas), each syllable in a cell, attempting to go through it and ‘feel from her’ what was right.

Nothing in English was right. I remembered a dragon-energy I met in 1994 whose name I could best make out then as N’efsana. It suddenly struck me that despite not being able to hear my guides AT ALL until Nero, I’d been having whole conversations with something, obviously. That wasn’t a guide though, I felt sure of it. But that in turn suddenly made me realize…

“You don’t speak my language in your world, do you?” I asked suddenly.

“No,” she said.

“But our worlds, they are… similar, right?” I asked.

“In some respects,” she said.

I thought about that. N’efsana was so NOT human. Maybe Guides aren’t all human? Maybe she emphasized that TV show character in part to help “build me” an image that was human and I’d be more comfortable with. Maybe they just take human form with me? Maybe they’re killer whales or something, I once had an experience where I was a whale on a planet that was entirely water, that seemed an amusing idea. Maybe they just live in alternate realities?? I remembered how my previous IG as I got to know him and see him more clearly I realized he had odd spots and gills and white clammy skin and black eyes and then later he showed me that he was a gigantic frog-like creature and just took human form for my sake. Of course I was in love with him by then anyway–the nature of an Inner Guide–but well… still.

“How is your world like mine?” I persisted.

“The physical reality is very similar,” she said, and for some reason I felt slightly relieved that she probably was human after all, though I’m not sure why it would matter. I had the feeling she was looking for how to say all this succinctly. “But the… communication and relationships and… technology, are very different.”

I just sat there thinking about that. It occurred to me that what would be ‘normal’ is if I were really interested in that. Like, really fascinated, tell me all about your world and so on. Yet I had this curious DISinterest, I realized. In ANY of the worlds my guides came from. I mean intellectually that seems like the kind of thing I would find intriguing, and yet I couldn’t think of anything that I felt less concerned about, like, totally don’t tell me! I don’t want to know! Weird.

“I feel like I should be more interested,” I confessed.

“When you are in other worlds you learn what you need there,” she said. “You don’t need from your world to know anything of the others.”

I remembered experiences where the female of The Four and I have shared a body, with one of us being ‘the dominant personality’ in some life on this planet and the other being something akin to a soultwin/guide inside. But those are always ‘here’. I thought about possibly living in other worlds.

“In other worlds,” I said hesitantly, wondering why this felt important to me, “Do you think I might do… do healing of a sort, anything like you do, for others?”

“I’m certain of it,” she smiled.

But that ended all my momentary bare interest in the topic so I dropped it.

I had the feeling though that it was important that if I were going to be aware of my guides and have names for them, that they were comfortable with the name, that it worked for them, as if this had some energetic effect between us.

I told IG: “I am calling her L’anna because that’s as close as we can get as I’m a little blocked as usual, but I think this is not really as good a match as it should be. She accepts it for now, but please help me get a better match to it. Please help me get to know her and come to understand what her focus energy is with me.” She nodded, and I stepped back away from both of them and the woman guide vanished.

Then I decided I better write this down before I fall asleep. But I intend to go back and do another round with all of them, visualize holding their hands and talking to them as IG had suggested some time ago I do daily.

I suppose if there is no getting out of being forcibly introduced to them, and no getting out of being forced-to-awareness that we ‘overlap’, for whatever reason it might someday help me to be aware, that I might as well try and develop a
t least a good enough relationship with them all that I can recognize them more clearly. I owe Marcus some time, for sure.

As for blogging about them, well, I blog about my internal life. I figure if I go stark raving mad there will be some breadcrumb trail and I can serve as a warning to others. Or maybe somewhere out there in the universe is someone else with a ‘Four’ and so on and they will find me and feel relieved they’re either not crazy or at least not alone in being so.

Subject change: I’m back on lowcarb again finally, for the last couple days. I’m telling myself it’s just an amazing coincidence that I didn’t finally finish that meditation until I was back on LC and that in fact while off it I didn’t do any. I really don’t see how my food intake could matter much to my spiritual life.

I just finished a cup of quality coffee with cream and ‘german chocolate cake’ flavor sugarfree DaVinci syrup. They sell a couple flavors in tiny bottles in the grocery coffee section, but the DV company has probably 100+ flavors of the stuff in SF (sucralose not sugar). Netrition.com has a $4.95 contiguous-US shipping flat rate and the bottles they sell are these huge heavy things, packed well, so any coffee freaks who like flavored sweetener, that is my trivia for the day. We had stir-fried chicken & broccoli peppers etc. for dinner. I am already missing carbs–sugar is my alcohol apparently–but I’ll live. Someday I’ll have to meditate on the animals I’ve eaten. That would probably be the one that really did kill me LOL.

PJ

Finally! My god! It has taken SIX MONTHS to get all the way through this ONE archetype. I’ve never had anything be that hard before — to do or “to get around to” doing. Finally this morning I managed to get to the last meditation to finish it off.

I couldn’t see the arch through most of it. I just held onto it. Everything I did ‘to’ the arch I felt personally, with all kinds of ‘rushes’ and ‘buzzes’ through my whole body. Mostly just all the basic stuff. When I was finally done, it looked like me. Geez. The 4th of 4?? Maybe I should have seen that coming. We merged and spent awhile on that. Then I pulled in a merge each of the other three and THAT was a really body rocking merge altogether.

When totally done, I did another meditation on the relationship between me and my guides, with an emphasis on my resistance/issues. The arch started out as something like a spider-human hybrid that was about 20 feet tall. Ok… apparently I have some problems there LOL. By the time I finally finished, I was able to merge a bit, and then I went through and held the hands and focused on each of my outer guides in turn that I’ve been introduced to (Nero, Taan, Bolehren, Ithika, and Marcus), and then merged them all into me which was a great rush.

IG was invisible–I’ve been out of this too long–but I felt great with her at the end. I’ve got to do more of this for my own good.

I’m happy enough now. That was my goal for the weekend, was to get through that meditation — which I should have done six months ago. Finally, I can move on!

I don’t really even know what all this accomplished but anything this difficult is powerful so I know it’s for the good. I’m hoping to make a sort of loose ‘plan’ of archs to work through, aside from whatever IG assigns, from now on. I guess until the next utterly gnarly hairy arch kicks my ass like this one did.

PJ

Finally! My god! It has taken SIX MONTHS to get all the way through this ONE archetype. I’ve never had anything be that hard before — to do or “to get around to” doing. Finally this morning I managed to get to the last meditation to finish it off.

I couldn’t see the arch through most of it. I just held onto it. Everything I did ‘to’ the arch I felt personally, with all kinds of ‘rushes’ and ‘buzzes’ through my whole body. Mostly just all the basic stuff. When I was finally done, it looked like me. Geez. The 4th of 4?? Maybe I should have seen that coming. We merged and spent awhile on that. Then I pulled in a merge each of the other three and THAT was a really body rocking merge altogether.

When totally done, I did another meditation on the relationship between me and my guides, with an emphasis on my resistance/issues. The arch started out as something like a spider-human hybrid that was about 20 feet tall. Ok… apparently I have some problems there LOL. By the time I finally finished, I was able to merge a bit, and then I went through and held the hands and focused on each of my outer guides in turn that I’ve been introduced to (Nero, Taan, Bolehren, Ithika, and Marcus), and then merged them all into me which was a great rush.

IG was invisible–I’ve been out of this too long–but I felt great with her at the end. I’ve got to do more of this for my own good.

I’m happy enough now. That was my goal for the weekend, was to get through that meditation — which I should have done six months ago. Finally, I can move on!

I don’t really even know what all this accomplished but anything this difficult is powerful so I know it’s for the good. I’m hoping to make a sort of loose ‘plan’ of archs to work through, aside from whatever IG assigns, from now on. I guess until the next utterly gnarly hairy arch kicks my ass like this one did.

PJ

As much time as I spend “in denial” it’s amazing I get any blogging done at all.

A few days ago I was thinking about my reality. About the idea of creating reality, and about some of my past experiences. I was thinking that I went from athletic to gigantic because I obviously pulled some genetic-hormonal-issue into the forefront of my reality, seemingly by accident but, if nothing’s an accident, then I guess by design on some level. I was thinking about why it is a person might choose to experience negative things.

It occurred to me that choosing positive things would be a good step forward, and guides could help me with that. You know, the guides I am always not wanting to talk to. I want to ‘claim my own power’ and have better manifestation ability, but introduce me to a guide for just that purpose and it just pisses me off because they aren’t supposed to be real and I’m embarrassed about it. No dichotomy here!

Then I had this rather abrupt thought: if guides exist to help me manifest what I choose, what if I choose something BAD?

“Nero!” I yelled, as if bellowing in the psychic realm is somehow more effective than talking. My ’sense of him’ appeared in front of me just slightly to the left.

“If I choose on some mostly unconscious level to experience something bad, and you’re the guide that deals with that genre of energy for me, do you actually help bring about the bad thing?”

“Regrettably, yes,” he admitted.

“But WHY?” I whined like my pre-teen.

“All experience is equal,” he said, quoting me back at me. “If that is an experience you choose, and that you can learn from, then I would help bring it about.”

I sat there thinking about that for a bit. This idea kind of struck me in a hard way. Read the rest of this entry »

For goddssakes. Seriously, what IS it with the ‘guides’ thing? How retarded does this make me sound having to blog about it?

Not like I haven’t been in total denial. I nearly forgot it then I avoided blogging about it, and just realized I’d better do so before I really DO forget and there’s probably some internal penalty I’d pay for doing so…

I listened to bineural stuff for quite some time. Then I decided to meditate. I wanted to meditate on the 4th of 4 of the Knight of Wands archetype… talk about overdue. I finally get to Inner Guide and IG takes my hands and I suddenly have this overwhelming idea, “Wait, wait. I shouldn’t just ask for this thing I spent 20 minutes repeatedly bringing myself back to meditate on. I should ask IG if SHE has any ideas!”

I know she put this in my head. It’s impossible to be mad at her though.

“Oh fine,” I say with some humor. “Do you have something for me to meditate on first?” She did. Imagine that.

Before I even turned around I knew it was another guide, another of the (16?) group that is Nero, Taan, Bolehren, and Marcus so far. I was kinda MAD about it. How can I avoid them if she keeps putting them in my face?? And why do I NEED to meet them, anyway? So what if I never know their name, how is it helping me? I don’t really even understand all the relationship very well anyway. It’s just confusing to me. So what difference does it make?

I glare at a man behind me. Unlike archetypes there is nothing wrong with him… this is usually a clue. He is about 6′5″ to 7′ tall, so a bit unusually tall.

“Are you an archetype?” I ask him suspiciously.

A pause. Then he says, “Yes.” As he said this, into my head came a variety of visuals, like symbolic geometric shapes, as if anything he said somehow had a whole shape-based core meaning… very odd.

But I didn’t believe him. Not like I think a guide would (could??) lie to me but I can’t recall, in 18 years of doing archetype meditations now and then, anybody ever doing so. So he had to be for real an archetype. Read the rest of this entry »

I did this a couple weeks ago and didn’t blog it, so predictably I’ve forgotten most of it.

In the fourth Knight of Wands meditation I was given 4 archetypes to work with and this was on the third of them. Read the rest of this entry »

I think I was asleep. It’s been a long time since I had an experience and genuinely didn’t know afterward if I had been asleep or awake or somewhere in between. This was yesterday morning I think. Or the day before.

I was standing in the dirt with a blue sky overhead. In front of me and off to the side a bit was a small and motley assortment of people who appeared to be doing archeology work. Digging something out. I walked casually toward them, feeling a tug on my memory, but unable to place it, and so shrugging it off. Most of them were sitting below the plane of the land that surrounded the location. It went down probably 15-20′ before it reached the artifact area, and at that point, there was a shallow, perhaps 3-5 foot deep, squared inset area, maybe 30-40′ squared (wild guess, don’t remember exactly). Several steps the full width of the area led up the sides of the inset area.

Behind where most of them worked, visible in the wall of dirt they had dug back to, a couple of columns had already been dug free, and it looked like more were behind that, awaiting. I figured this meant it was some greco-roman kind of building, given the look of the columns. I turned slightly and saw that there were a few small handwritten signs around that described different areas of what they were digging out. As there were people around, tourists it seemed, I thought this might be to reduce how often they bothered the people digging with questions.

I was just about to turn and leave when I noticed the small sign pointing to “the courtyard” inset area, as it called it. I looked back at it again, that tug-of-memory bothering me, and then all the sudden it hit me: I used to live there. I knew that place. Read the rest of this entry »

Yesterday when napping I had such an ‘astral-ish’ dream. The sort where you can totally feel your energy body moving around. It vaguely related to remote viewing but I didn’t remember much detail. Only that I was lying on a trampoline and gently throwing myself (impossibly) up into the air and then sinking low and rebounding.

Last night I was dreaming and again, I was focused on remote viewing. Not a surprise as I’ve been working on a human target pool yesterday and today. A man showed up to help me who seemed normal and friendly, we were going to be working on my RV, and I was just feeling enthusiastic when another man showed up very suddenly and pulled me away from him, forward in space but somehow in time as well.

The man who had arrived had a ‘fascination’ element for me; his eyes were black and hypnotic. In the back of my head, I was concerned about the nice guy, but couldn’t seem to think very clearly about it anymore.

We were continuing on this journey, and the first man showed up behind us to join me. He seemed to think that it was his place to be with me related to RV. The second man with ‘the eyes’ grabbed him and threw him some impossible distance away. I looked back, stricken, worried that he would be harmed, and it seemed he had crumbled in a heap in the distance. But then the new guy’s eyes distracted me and we continued on. Read the rest of this entry »

This is the second meditation in that fear of psi series. I need to do more of these.

From Jul 18 2002. Archmed: Fear of Psi #2

It was late last night, but I had to go back in to work more with ‘fear of psi’ arch. I’d been putting it off which is only a sign it needs doing.

First I went to this house I have over past a canyon in my sacred space. I put some energy into its reality as a thoughtform. Just as I was about to turn to the door, I SAW a guide.

SAW him! Visually! Totally clear! For the first time in my whole life! I have ‘felt’ guides. Once in awhile I can hear like words if they say them quick. I block them – I feel the block – drives me nuts but that’s the way it was. I held onto the visual while I said over and over in my head, oh my god! I can see him! I can really SEE him! Oh my god!

I finally said TO him, “I – I can SEE you!! How come I can see you?!” And he said, “Because you are ready for me.” I lost the meaning of this because then I was going, “Oh my god! I can HEAR you too!” LOL. I have the attention span of my 5 year old…

Well after a bit, I decided I needed to get to it (the med). The archetype was cleaned off and out and through but nowhere near being a good relationship. So I got myself TO him finally which was a huge effort of will. And I reached for him and put my hands on him and held him close in front of me though he clearly didn’t want to be there. Read the rest of this entry »

Since I still haven’t gotten to #3 of the Knight of Wands meditation, I thought I would post a couple 2002-era impactive archmeds that I just found the record of yesterday. I wonder why sometimes the stuff I most expect to be nothing and shrug off, turn out to be the most mind bending.

From Jul 18 2002. Archmed: Fear of Psi #1

I decided to do an archetype meditation on ‘fear of psi’.

While I’ve never felt this is much of an issue for me, some psychologists, such as Dr. Charles T. Tart, feel that fear of psi is a culturally common thing, much moreso than we realize, so I figured, it could not hurt to give it a try. (Didn’t expect much.)

I was using a hemi-sync CD, focus 12 freeflow, which I put on repeat. I first spent some time just getting in a nicely altered state. I feel much more in touch with my ‘emotional body’ in F12 and I tend to feel emotions and such very _physically_, so it is really good for these meds.

I asked my guide for the archetype of My Fear of Psi. I rather figured this would be a fairly quick meditation, but who knows, maybe useful in some way.

The arch was humanoid. I turned to look at him and nearly hyperventilated as I put my hands on my chest. I couldn’t see him well. He was covered with the symbol of fear, a “spiders in the gooey dark” kind of concept. The fear literally gripped me. My heart beat fast. I found myself distracted by other thoughts. Every time I brought myself back and tried to focus on the arch, I started breathing fast and hard again. I could feel the fear physically in my chest, a powerful force. Read the rest of this entry »

I swear, this may go down as the most difficult and epic archetype meditation of my life.

Tonight I worked on the second of the four figures from the ‘Knight of Wands’ archetype, the one I’ve been mostly in denial about since late September. The post previous to this talked about how I ended up in the meditation.

Apparently my guides and inner self are ‘Bringing the Mountain to Mohammed’.

I didn’t do the ordinary process of getting to Inner Guide (IG) as I was accepting an ‘interactive vision’ happening spontaneously. I was falling down this fairly wide, rounded hole in the ground that reminded me a little like, ‘maybe this is the cliff from my archetype world’. I have gone down inside that area for body things before which have been pretty amazing.

At the bottom I slowed and just sat down. I could no longer see any opening at the top. It was pitch black and “dank”. I remembered that particular sense from a spontaneous meditation I had in January of 2006, part of a series of amazing meditations. I had showed up in what appeared to be a sinus cavity and gone to see what turned out to be my eye. I know, that’s just so bizarre it’s hilarious, but the visuals in those visions were like 3D dolby-sound lucas-level immensely detailed wonders… amazing stuff.

Anyway, I heard this sound at the same time the “dank” sense of dark-wet-sorta-still got through, at the same time I was remembering where I’d felt that before, and I knew before I turned my head I would see some kind of amphibian-like creature. It was a frog with a longish body and big splayed colorful fingers and huge eyes, about half my size. Last time it was a frog twice my size that led me to where I needed to go, but this time, it was a bit different, and it just sat there and looked at me, as I became aware that there were quite a few like him of varying sizes, and other things I couldn’t recognize, and then a whole variety of stuff all over everywhere, that seemed like kind of like a cross between lichen and fireflies, like something that grew thinly over surfaces but was sort of lit up. I wondered what it was and I got the sense of bacteria (not necessarily bad) and things like that.

I “became aware” that I was to do the next step of the archetype meditation on the knight of wands. Not having finished this has left me open to the effects of that energy activated and not dealt with and it’s been kicking my ass bigtime for two months. I figured well why not, and agreed, and before I could even ask for the next step, a woman appeared. I called for IG, the Angelics, Nero, Taan, Bolehran, and went up to her. Read the rest of this entry »

The last two days have been very odd for me. My dreams have had a depth that is pretty rare and I haven’t seen regularly in many years. And this morning when I woke up, I felt that my ‘awareness’ was ’still at depth’. I felt tranced but not in the normal dull-fuzzy way, rather just in the most-my-brain-is-deeper way. I was so intensely sleepy, the sort of feeling I used to get when my body/soul/whatever was insisting I sleep immediately to work something out, that a couple hours after I woke up this morning, I went back to sleep!

My kid woke me up later, astounded I was sleeping so late. (That’s really something, coming from her, haha.) So I got up and made her food and did a few things online and then knew that I had to go back to sleep yet again. No matter how illogical it seemed, my body was insisting. So I went back to sleep for several hours.

I dreamed so deeply. What seemed like hundreds of dreams. Some were surface dreams but they involved events and people that haven’t been in my life in 20-25 years. Most were deep dreams and one of the oddest factors was the awareness factor of a third element that was neither me nor dream. Dreams would be stopped at some point and someone would ask me, are you aware you’re dreaming? or they would point out to me some element of the dream situation I was missing, or they would say, so what would be your decision in a situation like this? It was so odd, as it felt almost like a spiritual interview of some kind as well as education as part of it. Yet when I woke up, the whole content of the examples vanished from me and I ‘understood’ that was the way it had to be. Read the rest of this entry »

Yes, I know. Sep 20 is the last day I meditated, a Knight of Wands meditation that was so difficult I couldn’t get more than a little bit into it. I was going to be right back with that. October came and went. Difficult archetype meditations are such a pain to “get around to!”

I’ve spent the month+ since I left off, paying the price. Feeling emotionally fragmented and slightly traumatized, distracted and disorganized, in avoidance and denial. I blew my eating plan all to hell and more, in a small rampage of self-destruct mode.

My boyfriend came to visit at the end of October. It was great to have him here, but my one week a year with him vs. the other 51 weeks a year tends to put me through the whole 7-stages-of-grief thing when he leaves, which sucks. (Right now I’m in the slightly pissed off, fine-I-don’t-need-you-then stage.) During one day he was here, I stayed in the car on a chilly, windy day, for about an hour in the driveway, when I just suddenly felt like meditating, out of the blue.

I went back and picked up where I left off in my Knight of Wands meditation. As a refresher, I had first come onto an endless lawn (almost battleground type ‘field’) filled with people on medical beds who were horribly, greviously injured, with a man up front speaking for them. I asked to shift the energy to a smaller quantity I could deal with, and then got four ‘people’ each with some… problem. The first, which I didn’t start on before I passed out that time, seemed sort of normal in front except a monkey-like face, but the back was completely burned out, hollowed out, the whole back of the body. That’s where I left off. Read the rest of this entry »

This is an experience I had near the end of 1993 I believe. Although I’ve written it down to others a few times, it’s not in my formal archives and I have no idea where to find it, so I thought I would record it again for posterity. I remembered it after reading the latest post on the CobalSigil blog.

I was definitely in a trance state, but not deeply; I was resting, having finished email, and was considering what to do about dinner, as I gazed mindlessly out my back sliding glass door. It was still very light outside though evening was approaching fast, and I was feeling a bit languid and didn’t much feel like getting up and doing anything.

It took me a little while to realize that something had just happened. Often this kind of thing actually goes on for a bit before my conscious mind clues in and decides to pay attention. I had just “shared” the experience of an entity.

——————-

He had traveled far to make the request. Journeyed among many lands and strange creatures to get to the place where you could make a petition to the Gods. Maybe if you were lucky, the Gods might hear you; there was no other choice, now. Read the rest of this entry »

I would subtitle this “IG Points Out the Obvious”.

This morning me and my best friend were having a discussion about viewing — which we do regularly of course. I don’t even remember all the talk, but I remember what I was thinking about afterward. Mostly, it came down to this:

Why? When we get the totally wrong target, why? When we clearly perceive specific data, and it turns out to be wrong, why?

I don’t care about data you screw up on your own, which is the majority of problem data frankly. I don’t care about poor contact or process issues. All of those are visible at feedback, and you can learn from feedback, and that is a sport-skill. No, I am talking about when a viewer has good contact, has a clear experience, and yet that is not about the target intended. In that instance feedback is useless, is more harm than help to likely psi experience, and we don’t learn anything except not to trust ourselves.

Everybody has this in RV; nobody is exempt. Everybody seems to accept that’s the way it is. Even in the professional lab, viewers will include ‘getting the correct target to start with’ as a separate statistic; one may say, “I’m on target about 68% of the time, but when I am, about 92% of my data is accurate.” Everybody accepts that some portion of the time, a viewer has a perfectly clear piece of data that is totally wrong, or even an entire clear session that is totally wrong.

Nobody has a clue what to do about it. There are all kinds of things people come up with to try and combat this, from the target selection, to tasking, to session cool-down, warm-up, session methodologies, feedback rituals, you name it. Most things ‘initially’ seem to help but eventually it’s the same accuracy % as usual. As an entire field we are just stuck: sometimes we suck and we have no idea how to fix it. The only consolation is that everybody does, to varying degrees; the only thing consistent about RV is its inconsistency.

I accept that this is the case. But I can’t let it go. I want to know, why? Read the rest of this entry »

Prior to this article, it’s best to read the previous Aspect RV post.

So as ‘Aspect RV’ settled into my psyche over time (or my psiche, as I call it, since psi is heavily involved here too), I began to realize that not only could I interact with ‘myself’ during viewing, but that the target itself seemed to interact with me.

At first I didn’t know what was going on. I would start a session and get a flash of something bizarre, like: I’m in a tiny dark stone room and there is a big sarcophagus and brilliant gold light is shining out of it but I tune in just at the INSTANT a huge heavy stone lid is slamming down and shutting out the light. WTF?? I knew it wasn’t part of the target, and I suspected it was information about the session or my contact (so… that wouldn’t be a good sign, in this case…) Or I’d be in the middle of a session and I’d see a person, like an ‘Aspect’ — but they would run in a room and slam the door. WTF?? This began happening more often as time went on. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know why it was happening. In the Official Doctrine of Methods, the data does not act out and talk to you. It’s considered “inert information” that you “passively wait for”. Yet my data was not remotely inert, and it seemed to want me to be proactively interacting with it.

So one day I was in a session and I ‘found myself’ on a street I sensed, and there was an Aspect, a woman standing in the sky above me, her feet a couple feet above my head. She leaned down to me and held out a pair of eyeglasses. Determined to do something proactive this time, I leaned up and took them, and then I put them on. Suddenly I found myself rushing through space, at enormous speeds as stars flashed past me, going toward some ball. I can’t remember the target now — it was a planet or moon — but the point was, the “experiential” nature of that data was SO intense, and the data itself definitely did seem on target, that I began to think maybe this ‘interact with the data’ was an idea worth trying. Read the rest of this entry »

Back around early Fall of 1998 — holy cow! Ten years ago exactly — when I was still very ignorant about RV (that is to say, I was a walking encyclopedia about what the expert selling training in the field taught, which is nothing like my models and understanding of things now…) I had a rather unusual experience.

I was in the middle of an RV session when I momentarily ’spaced out’ and then suddenly realized that I could hear/feel a whole big group of people talking, arguing together — inside me. They were all me. All part of me. Read the rest of this entry »

My boyfriend and I talked about it. The previous meditation had been so hard. Moreso later, oddly enough; during the meditation it was horror and nausea. But hours later, in a brief prayer for more help, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably about it. It must have touched something raw.

I said I wished I could ask for … fewer ‘representatives’. Why couldn’t quantity be represented by intensity, or complexity, or something like that, something more reasonable for me to deal with. It’s happened before, after all. But I felt maybe it would be rude, since the numbers had been given me seemingly on purpose. My BF argued this. “Maybe the point was only to convey scope,” he suggested, to paraphrase. I thought about this for awhile a bit later. Why not at least ASK what could be done to make it do-able? For that matter, why not do a pre-meditation stage where I went and asked for help from every source I could think of? Read the rest of this entry »

I should have known it wouldn’t be easy.

It has been days since I meditated. I tried a few times and fell asleep. And I didn’t try more times than that. Some part of me inside has been freaking out about my losing the consistency of it when it seems to be working well. Some other part of me has been freaking out period and trying to avoid everything about the subject. I realize that there are parts of me that want to slow things down and adjust, but I don’t really care. I WANT to work through some of this stuff, and I’m already too freakin old, I don’t need to wait another year or ten of life before I deal with it. So last night, around more avoidance-evasion efforts than you would believe, I forced myself into meditation.

First I touched base with Bolehren, Taan and Nero.

Then I told IG that it was time: I wanted to work on the Knight of Wands archetype. I knew already from the tiniest exposure that somehow this was tied into my childhood and that I was likely to react physically to it, but I was ready.

It took a dozen attempts to bring my attention back before I could even partly see it. It was a bizarre chaos of visual collage. It was somehow huge and small, pink and black, there was blood and wounds, it was a monster, it was a cartoon, it was somehow a thousand things at once. I closed my inner eyes and just spent awhile imagining the ‘rain of love’ in a monsoon on us, and then the ‘light of love’, and then the ‘wind of love’ which blew off a lot of ‘pieces’ here and there, some that seemed to come from inside it, and then a sort of clear thick ‘chemical of love’ that first slightly numbed and then disinfected and then rinsed clean. It took awhile for all that (especially since my mind was frantically trying to escape to any possible universe that did not involve dealing with this).

Near the end of the chem rinsing I realized that for a few moments I had been seeing and looking at — without consciously noticing — something. It reminded me of sometimes when you get chakra visuals or sounds and you’re oblivious to them and suddenly your awareness throws up a flag that your eyes are seeing one thing and your ‘other eyes’ are seeing something completely different. I suddenly paid attention again and realized everything had vanished to be replaced by two things: a man standing in front of me, and a really huge “hospital ward” filled with populated beds that started about a hundred yards back. Except although it was definitely a ‘hospital ward’ it was outside with us. Read the rest of this entry »

I was reading a blog entry here:
http://blog.lavacocktail.com/2008/09/14/guerilla-tarot.aspx
where the author suggested we try to use tarot for remote influence, with such charming ideas as Read the rest of this entry »

I’m sure getting a lot more offbeat overlay-visuals than I used to. Normally I get a little sound that way, though I only notice it when I pay attention. Sometimes it’s imagination; sometimes it seems like reality-overlay. But I seem to be doing it more with visuals lately.

For example I’ll be thinking, or doing something, and suddenly a very vivid visual so affects me because for a moment I think it’s real. If I had time with it I would realize it weren’t real but usually the first impact of it startles me and pulls me out of experiencing it.

Today I was nearly asleep when, like a mini-dream, on this street that I visited yesterday in another city, I was walking near the corner, when around the corner incredibly fast came (of all things) a modern train and it ran right into me — or at least, the total shock of the fact that I was suddenly being hit by a modern train was so severe that I literally leapt up in defense-panic reaction just at the instant when it would have done so.

***

Last night I finished an archmed I’d let IG choose previously. I’d worked on something until it split into 5 parts and each part had its own issues. I’m trying to remember them now. That’s why I have to blog this stuff immediately, ’cause it falls out of my head otherwise! Read the rest of this entry »

My hair is eight inches shorter suddenly. My head feels so light! This is my birthday fling — short hair! I just took this a bit ago — so it is first thing in the morning, still sitting in bed with my laptop, no makeup, be warned! Read the rest of this entry »

A quote from this blog on Sep 4 (meditation was the 3rd evening):

I want to have stuff that works. If it’s not willing to work, I want it to move out of my life and be replaced by something that does. But wait, wait! I hate the timing issues on this stuff. Move in something that does work at the SAME time or very immediately after if that’s going to happen!

At that time, my car had a problem with the heat/AC. The heating fan wasn’t turning on like it should. I wanted to get it fixed but didn’t have the money. Hoped I could spare it from my paycheck in a week (that’s today).

Several days ago I got notice that the changed fiscal year of my company meant we were going to get our bonuses on the 12th. Yay! Mine was more than I had expected. Not that I don’t have 10x the “needs” of it, of course!

A few days ago my car ran out of water. Shortly after, it ran out of water and the temp light came on. I had already arranged to get the heater fan worked on today. This morning trying to get it there, the temp light came on again.

The head gasket is blown. It’s a side-mounted aluminum engine (cad 1988, my parents gave it to me 4 years ago when Jiffy Lube killed my truck). The mechanic said, “You can’t replace ‘em in these, I’ve tried, they don’t even stay, it’s a waste. It ain’t even worth the money to fix it. I recommend you get rid of it and work out something else.”

So it took… 9 days, before my car “MOVED OUT OF MY LIFE” — literally on THE VERY DAY when I got a larger block of money than I’ve had in a couple years. Read the rest of this entry »

I only got like 2 hours sleep. I barely managed to get my ass outta bed and function to start work. Geez this was easier when I wasn’t 43 (in 3 days!). Have a break here and wanted to record the dream I was having when I woke up, because I have the feeling it relates to the meditation and/or maybe the card.

Oh, so before I went to sleep, I dug out my Thoth tarot deck. It took awhile to find it. I searched the shelves in my room, then the big shelves in the living room, then some storage drawers, then came back and searched the drawers on my bed (it has 12), and I found the deck inside a bag in one of those. That side of my bed has been so close to the wall for 2.5 years since I got this bed–until 2 weeks ago when I moved my bed–I’d forgotten it was there.

Before that I had been working on ideas for the ‘mental tools’ concept in RV, in ‘process’ (I’d already worked out some for ‘in reporting’). I was in a decent state of mind as a result, though sleepy. Then I found and went through the deck. I found the ‘wands’ section. I was looking for something with red, a foot (human foot; there was a big double footprint that also had red, like from big boots or something, in my visual flash), and maybe a horse. As it turns out, all the wands have red. And all the 1-10 cards are just wands. That left the queen of wands (an awesome pic, a woman with big twisting horns), the king (a barefoot man in a chariot pulled by some creature), and the knight — a man with big boots, on a rearing horse. So, that’s the only one it could be.

I studied the card a bit. It seems rather dull to be honest. I’ve no idea what it is supposed to signify, though I can look it up today. I wondered if maybe the knight being a traditional symbol of ‘rescue’ had anything to do with it. I don’t know if that’s true or not but I had a major lower-body abreaction right then, so I felt that confirmed that at least was the card for sure. I set it out on my bedside table and asked IG and the 3 guides from the consortium to please help me process this energy (the card and the archetype) in dreams as much as possible.

So when I woke up this morning (barely, with my alarm going off repeatedly), I was having this dream: Read the rest of this entry »

Every morning and every night I have tried to meditate. I hadn’t actually gotten to doing so, though, since Sunday morning, and it was Tuesday night. Sleep is the easiest form of denial. Staying up too late so that’s inevitable… sigh.

I made it to IG this morning despite several valiant inner attempts at distraction. I discovered a few daydreams that I felt emotionally impelled to go explore right now instead of meditating, but I recognize that by now, and refused. I wandered several times even once I made it to IG, but brought myself back.

A yogi I read once said that if most people in the West had bodies as uncoordinated as their minds, they’d be lucky to make it across the street alive. That’s me. Read the rest of this entry »

I fell asleep before I could get anything accomplished in meditation last night. So today when I got up I decided to start my weekend cooking and once it was set, sit down and meditate.

Read the rest of this entry »

I was thinking back on my conversation with Nero about exercise.

I was thinking, I don’t understand how I’m supposed to tell the difference. When I’m talking to “Guides” or in the middle of an “Archetype Meditation”, I mean. It’s a subtle experience. I think some things come from “them” and some from “me”. In the recent experience, the idea to exercise felt like MY idea. Like I imagined it. Nero suggests otherwise. So how am I supposed to tell when it’s me vs. Nero vs. god-only-knows-who some part of my psiche world? I can’t tell. Sometimes something just seems like I imagined it.

Nero: Of course you imagined it. We’ve talked about this before. Imagination is the tool for communication. That doesn’t make it the source of the information.

Me: It’s braincrunching. I have a hard enough time with archetype meditations. But bringing my ordinary thought process into this “is it live or is it Memorex?” question is really confusing. I don’t know how to evaluate what is imagination and what is real.

Nero: I know what you mean, but that’s not really the right question.

Me: ?

Nero: Even in your ordinary thinking, what you think is ‘your imagination’, the actual ’source’ of information may come from many aspects within you or around you. Read the rest of this entry »

I went back to meditate a bit later.

“IG,” I admit I whined, “Obviously something is wrong. I feel turbulent inside, depressed and angry. I want you to choose something for me to work with. I assume it’ll be related to that, but it’s really your choice.”

The arch was interesting. Whatever it was, it was like you’d take some shape, and then divide that shape into many equal little cubes of space, and then randomly remove 90% of the cubes. So all I could see was like these small red cubes, seemingly randomly arranged in the air. I knew they were ‘part’ of the archetype and that all the other cubes were missing. “That’s novel,” I muttered. Read the rest of this entry »

I went to see IG last night. It was her turn to choose. I don’t know what happened. I was there… I was wide awake I thought… and I woke up this morning.

I went back to IG first thing. Apologized for apparently passing out in the middle of a sentence or something. Told her I was ready for whatever she wanted me to meditate on.

I turned to the archetype, but I could see him oddly well for an arch with an issue; not very well, but he felt different. Just a man, ordinary. I couldn’t see anything on him that needed cleaning, healing, adjustment, etc. I eyed him suspiciously.

Me: Are you an archetype?
Him: No. I’m another from your Consortium, as you call it.

I said nothing for awhile.

Me: I think this is AOL. Like some expectation, based on my last meditation being a guide.
Him: Your last meditation wasn’t a guide. You’ve done archetype work since then.
Me: Oh yeah. Well but so what! That isn’t the point. I think you’re not… real. That I’m just imagining the whole thing. And why do you keep smiling?
Him: That’s my nature.
Me: Well maybe I don’t like your nature.
Him: You’re a little hostile, but it’s ok. Read the rest of this entry »

I was in rereading what I’d blogged and just suddenly had the urge to go back to the inner world. Probably the music that was playing. I ended up in the Tower, with The Four, and a vague sense of some of the Coalition around.

I nestled in the arms of my mate — the 3rd of 4 — and I looked into his face more closely than I have in longer than I can remember. “Please, dream me,” I said spontaneously, but with great longing. “I miss you so terribly. Please come see me soon, help me remember, so I will feel closer to you again.” He nodded a little, and I laid my head against his chest and breathed calmly for a bit.

Then I had the sudden remembrance of ‘The Wall of Fear’. In previous meditations I had dealt with all of it EXCEPT a small portion that I had left “in stasis” in the Tower. I called Nero and Bolehren to me, and IG, in case they could help in any way. I stood in the middle of the tower room, in the middle of the big symbol in the middle of the floor (have still not looked too closely at that), and summoned what was left. Read the rest of this entry »

I had more energy today than usual. I felt as if I HAD to move. As if there was energy in me that I just had to ‘work through’ my body in some way. My kid was staring at me oddly as I did all the work of grocery shopping, loading, running into the house to put away, etc. without asking for help let alone insisting. I felt that my meditations at least right now will not be as good as if I were to get real exercise prior to them. I don’t feel I got enough, but I do feel that what I got helped a lot anyway.

Tonight as I started my first meditation, it occurred to me that maybe meditations of this dynamic sort are no different than psychic work in some respects: that the intensity, enthusiasm, etc. that you put into them — the “attention, intention and expectation” of it as McMoneagle and May said about Remote Viewing — might have a lot to do with results as well. Read the rest of this entry »

Last night it was time to meditate, but I found other things to do.

Later, I realized I was getting too sleepy and had to meditate while I still could, IF I still could, but I found other things to do.

Later, I realized I was exhausted and needed to sleep, but I was adamant with myself that I would not sleep until I had meditated… and I found other things to do.

Later, it was 3:45 AM, and I was thinking my God, you must sleep already!, when I noticed a book on my shelf and was suddenly fascinated with “Crochet in plain English.”

It was then I understood that obviously I was in some kind of avoidance-denial. Nobody, especially someone who only crochets once every year or two and really badly, is fascinated with a book on crochet at 3:45 AM. Get real.

So I forced myself to go to bed. I was ridiculously over-tired by then, of course! I had intended to meet with Bolehren. Funny enough, I could not remember her name. I finally had to copy the text of her name onto a desktop ’sticky’ because my memory of it would only last about 10 minutes before I couldn’t remember it again and had to look it up. This is also an obvious sign of denial.

Since she is like Nero, who is with me always, there is no required meditation space or archetype world or whatever. I rolled out my meditation space though, and I called her and she appeared, as Nero does, but I couldn’t perceive her nearly as well. I imagined that we held hands, her in front of me, and I tried to ‘accept’ enough that I could communicate at least a tiny bit. Read the rest of this entry »

I will probably never understand any of this.

In my case study Bewilderness from the 1993-1995 era of my life, I talked about meeting the various ‘identities’ which were ‘a part of me’, and our merging together on occasion. I called them ‘the four elementals of soul.’ I didn’t really understand it then, and I still don’t understand it now, I can only report on the experiences. Now I call them ‘The Four’ for short. I am one (the 4th) of the four. Or at least, I am part of it; it’s a larger awareness. I sometimes am able to tune into it. Read the rest of this entry »